


Lead Us Not Into Temptation

by Recourse



Series: We Shall All Be Healed [4]
Category: Life Is Strange (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Post-Canon, Anxiety, Depression, F/F, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, Internalized Homophobia, Masturbation, Mental Illness, Polyamory, Post-Game(s), Sacrifice Max, Sexuality Crisis, Slow Burn, Threesome - F/F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-06
Updated: 2016-06-28
Packaged: 2018-07-12 12:30:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 58,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7103437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Recourse/pseuds/Recourse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been ten years since Max sacrificed herself to save Chloe from Nathan. Victoria and Chloe hooked up somewhere in the aftermath, and by the time Kate runs into Victoria again, she's going by "Professor Price," teaching at the same college Kate's working at, and almost immediately pulling Kate into her strange life. Kate has to adjust to her new job as a victim advocate at a university, while simultaneously managing Victoria and Chloe's demands on her time and attention, but she starts to find that she doesn't mind it. That much. </p><p>But there's more going on in Kate's head than just nerves.</p><p>Takes place after <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/6850537/chapters/15636814">"Cockroaches"</a> and <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/7068937">"Waiting for the Fever to Break."</a> Significantly lighter in tone than those two. Could be considered a simultaneous band/professor AU, but the history of Blackwell is kept intact.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Echoes In My Head

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea what I'm doing, but I'm having fun.

It started at Blackwell.

Some days it feels like everything started at Blackwell.

The 2014 spring semester was like breath of fresh air for everyone on campus. After the horrors of October, after a sudden and dramatic shift in the way the Vortex Club operated, everyone had needed some adjusting time. Time to forget about drugs and videos and bullying and murder. Time to accept the new Odd Couple of Blackwell, Victoria Chase and Chloe Price. Victoria made an abrupt turn from gatekeeper to guardian. Chloe haunted the Vortex Club parties at the edges, called in by the queen bee to defend her hive whenever things started going south. The last thing anyone would’ve called those gathering, last semester, was ‘safe.’

Kate was still adjusting to that at the end of Spring Break.

Alyssa was the one who convinced her to go. “It’s different now,” she told Kate after she brought it up. “I think it’d be good for you to go. But, like, I’m not super invested,” she added, flipping her hair over her ear to maintain her cool poise.

Kate sat at the picnic table, her tea cooling in its cup as she considered.

Victoria chewing out Courtney for writing on Kate’s slate.

Victoria’s sharp glares, glancing over Kate’s shoulder in the halls. Every time Kate looked behind her, someone was moving away, cowed by Victoria’s threatened wrath.

Victoria and Chloe, laughing together as they crossed the parking lot, off to some unknown destination while Kate stared at the two of them. Victoria’s genuine smile, Chloe’s easy posture. Victoria seemed so much _happier_ than she had been before November. Before the sound of gunshots penetrated the roar of a storm, and the whole dorm had gotten an e-mail about a student stopping a suicide attempt.

Maybe things really were different now.

Kate looked up and smiled at Alyssa. “Okay. But—”

“You get uncomfortable, we split right then and there,” Alyssa interrupted. “Promise.”

So that’s how Kate ended up in a cabin in the woods, standing in the corner and quietly nursing a soda while a lot of conversations went on around her, none of which she could quite bring herself to enter. As much as there was still a _lot_ of underage drinking going on, and a lot of loud music, it was manageable. At least while Alyssa was there and she could just sort of follow her around and blend into the party that way, Kate could feel like she sort of belonged there, or at least that she wasn’t unwelcome.

But Alyssa went to the bathroom, so Kate was left alone — and Zach noticed.

He didn’t bother to make his approach look subtle, practically pushing his way through the crowd until he was right up next to Kate, towering over her. She smelled the alcohol on his breath as he leaned against the wall.

“Hey, Kaaaate,” he drawled, giving her a lopsided grin. “What’re you doin’ here?”

“I’m—I’m just here for the party.” Kate didn’t know what kind of answer he expected.

“Last time you came to one of these things, seemed like there was something else you wanted.”

Kate’s fingers clenched at her sides. She took a step back, and her feet hit the wall. This was a mistake, it was the same as it ever was, alarms ringing in her head, heart pounding in her chest, breath hard to keep hold of as he stepped closer. “I—I’m not—” she stammered.

“I think you liked me best,” Zach slurred. Kate glanced over his shoulder and spotted Victoria’s narrowed brown eyes under her bright pink pixie cut. She waited for her to raise up her phone and get a video of this, too. “You stayed on me the longest,” Zach continued, putting a hand on the wall behind Kate, closing her in. Victoria glided through the crowds effortlessly as Kate stared, unable to move, frozen by memory, or the lack of memory, or—

Perfectly-manicured nails appeared on Zach’s shoulder. “Back the fuck off, Zach,” Victoria warned, tugging him back from the wall and pushing him out into the open.

“I’m not _doin’_ anything, Vic—”

“You’d better not be.”

Kate blinked.

“What’s up your ass these days, huh? Ever since you went all dyke—”

Victoria’s face twisted into a snarl. “All right, then. Chloe, sweetie, could you come take care of a problem for me?” she called, turning around.

Zach stiffened as a lopsided blue haircut started bobbing above the rest of the crowd, until Chloe appeared in full directly in front of it.

“Yeah, babe?” Chloe asked, putting a hand on her hip.

“This guy needs to leave,” Victoria said. “Can you help him out?”

“Oh, sure.” Chloe cracked her knuckles. “All right, Zach, dude, you wanna go out by yourself or d’ya need me to help you along?”

“Look, I was just talkin’ to Kate—”

“He was being a fucking creep,” Victoria helpfully informs Chloe. “I think he doesn’t get to be invited to these anymore.”

“Look, man, I was just tryin’ to—”

“Just because Juliet dumped your bitch-ass doesn’t mean you get to bother Kate. I thought I made my position on this shit pretty fucking clear,” Victoria snapped. “But apparently not. Chloe, can you help him out?”

Kate shrank further into her corner as Chloe took hold of Zach’s ear and tugged. “C’mon, big guy.”

“Don’t you fuckin’ touch me,” Zach growled, slapping Chloe’s hand away. In response, he received a quick knee to the groin.

“Sorry, didn’t hear that,” Chloe said as he doubled over. “Something about, ‘I’m a little bitch who doesn’t get when he’s not welcome’?”

“F-fuck you—”

“Vic, can I give him bruises?”

Victoria gave Chloe a noncommittal shrug.

“Okay, Jesus Christ, I’m gone,” Zach groaned as Chloe raised her fist. “Fuck this. Too drunk for this shit.”

“That’s what I thought.” Chloe gave him a literal swift kick in the ass to get him going on his way towards the door as Victoria approached Kate, putting her hands on her shoulders. Kate shivered as Victoria looked intensely into her eyes.

“Hey. Kate, you good?” she asked.

Kate nodded, feeling small and weak and embarrassing in front of these two self-assured, confident _women_. Kate couldn’t understand them.

“Okay. Listen, you come right to me if anyone says _shit_ to you tonight, got it? You’re safe here. I’m not having any more fucking creepers using my parties for hunting grounds,” Victoria assured her. “And...and I know I haven’t said this yet, but I’m sorry for all that shit back in October. I was drunk, I was stupid, but it was still such a dick move.”

Kate swallowed. She knew Victoria was sorry already. She knew that she deleted the video, that she’d assigned herself as the personal, if distant, Protector of Kate over the past few months. But getting the apology for all that was still nice.

“It’s okay, Victoria,” she finally managed to squeak out. “And thank you.”

“Not really okay, but yeah, you’re welcome. Now I think there’s a shot with my name on it over there.”  
As Victoria and Chloe left, apparently heading their separate ways, Kate spotted Alyssa coming back down the stairs. As soon as they made eye contact, Alyssa shoved her way past a group of kids and immediately got right up next to Kate.

“Somebody mess with you?” she asked.

“Yeah, but, um...Chloe and Victoria took care of it,” Kate explained.

“Those two are so weird. Chloe’s fun to hang out with, though, y’wanna head out back and do that?”

Kate didn’t know what else to do, so she followed Alyssa out to the back porch, where they actually failed to locate Chloe. But it was quieter out there, less intense, and it was easy to casually converse with the ebb and flow of people who came out for relief and went back in when the cold got to them.

But Kate eventually knew that she had to leave, that it was getting late and she was tired. She decided to go to the bathroom before they left — it was a long drive back to the Bay from there — and through a series of confused directions from the drunken denizens of the cabin, discovered that the one in the master bedroom was the only one currently available.

But as she went down the upstairs hallway and made her way towards the back of it, she heard a distinct _thud_. And as she turned the corner and saw through the doorway, she saw an image that still lingers in her mind today.

Victoria had Chloe pinned against the wall with her jeans bunched up around her knees, a hand beneath her boxers. Chloe pitched her head to the ceiling despite some (initially) wordless protest.

Kate quickly ran out and pressed her back to the wall as she heard, “Fucking _rude_ , Victoria.”

“You’re so fuckin’ hot when you hit people—”

“That’s screwed up—”

“Don’t fucking care—”

“Seriously, you could at least c-close the door,” and then Chloe made a sound that sent a cold chill into Kate’s stomach.

“My fucking party. If they wanna interrupt—”

“Vic, really.” Chloe swallowed. “Just close it.”

Kate fled as she heard Chloe slide down off the wall, as Victoria’s footsteps approached her position.

She didn’t see that.

 

* * *

 

She didn’t hear that, either.

She definitely didn’t lie awake in her dorm and listen to Victoria utterly fail to keep herself quiet, weeks later. Didn’t curl herself up into a ball and squeeze her eyes shut and clamp her hands over her ears as Victoria swore and demanded...filthy things from a laughing Chloe. The walls weren’t that thin.

Kate didn’t feel uncomfortably hot. She didn’t have any urges. She didn’t bite her lip and desperately try not to think of what it must look like, over there, in 221. She didn’t get a clear picture from what Victoria was saying. She didn’t. That didn’t happen, not any of it.

It definitely didn’t happen _repeatedly._

Kate was a total angel throughout the rest of her time at Blackwell. Ask anyone. She got great grades, volunteered at the hospital, worked the bake sale for church. A wholesome girl. She graduated with honors and never got mixed up in any Vortex Club parties or drug scandals or even get a boyfriend. Completely wholesome and devoted.

 

* * *

 

So all of that, therefore, _cannot_ be rushing back as she spots an unnervingly familiar figure across the quad at the university. It’s been ten years since those things didn’t happen and that can’t be Victoria anyway. That’s crazy. Kate’s just going to walk right over to the admin building and turn in these forms and this won’t have happened. It doesn’t matter that not-Victoria is standing in front of the doorway and chatting with a student, because it’s not Victoria and even if it is, Victoria wouldn’t recognize her and none of that other stuff happened.

Kate takes a deep breath and fingers the cross around her neck. Calm down. Even if it is Victoria, which it’s not, it’s not a big deal. People run into each other all the time. And what’s Victoria to her, anyway? An old reformed bully from a decade ago?

She hasn’t aged at all. Her hair’s still cut the same, but it’s back to blonde. She looks really, really good in that pantsuit.

This is bad.

Kate sighs at herself and just goes, anyway. She needs to get these delivered and then get back to her office, she’s got an appointment soon. People are depending on her and she can’t be freaking out like this over literally nothing. So she had a few moments of sexuality crisis as a teenager. Who doesn’t? She’s totally fine now, totally stable.

But as she tries to walk up the stairs past Victoria, she cringes as she sees Victoria hold up her hand to the student she’s conversing with.

“ _Kate_? Kate Marsh?”

Kate grimaces, then turns around with a smile.

“Victoria?” she asks, even though she knows.

“The one and only Victoria Price.”


	2. Off My Guard

Victoria keeps her hand up as the kid looks about ready to start talking again. “One minute,” she tells him.

“But Professor—”

She holds just one finger up and glares at him intensely, her lips pursing, and the student shuts right up and looks down at his feet. Kate shivers. So she can still do _that_.

“Kate, I’m in the middle of something right this minute, and I’m sure you are too, but let’s have lunch,” Victoria says before Kate can open her mouth. “Tomorrow, Pearl Street, Ivarrson’s Cafe, one o’clock. I’ll get your number from the staff list. What are you, a counselor?”

Kate blinks.

“Kate?”

“Yeah, yeah, I am,” Kate confirms. “I’m with the Office of Victim Assistance.”

“That’s good. Suits you. See you tomorrow.” Victoria lowers her finger and turns back to her student. “Now, to answer your question, I’m not giving you an extension on the literal first assignment of the year, no matter how much you beg...”

Kate, sensing that the conversation is apparently over, walks up the rest of the stairs and enters the building and then just sort of freezes.

What just _happened?_

Victoria hadn’t even asked. She’d just...made the plan. No hesitation, no worry, no fear. She still makes Kate feel like a child in comparison. How’s that possible? They’re the same age. This is ridiculous.

And now she’s pretty much tied to this plan. She hadn’t even said “yes,” it was like Victoria knew that was the only answer Kate could’ve given. She wasn’t going to blow Victoria off; that wouldn’t be the kind thing to do, and besides, they’d parted on relatively good terms, all things considered. Had Victoria known all of that with just a glance, like she’d guessed Kate’s position? How is she so _together_?

And... Victoria _Price?_

Kate shakes her head. She’s on a timetable. She can’t be helpful to this campus and these students if she’s falling apart over this random, fairly innocuous reunion.

She can do that later.

 

* * *

 

And she does, somewhat. As soon as she steps into her apartment she bolts for her computer, because there’s only one person who’s got the ability to handle Kate when she gets like this and that person is sitting in New York right now.

Thankfully, she’s online. Kate runs a hand through her hair as she waits for the call to connect, making her bun even messier than usual.

“Hey, Kate!” Alyssa says cheerfully as she appears on screen, stretching back in her office chair and looking like a lazy cat. “Settling in good down there? Probably not, or you wouldn’t have just slammed that call button down without warning me first.”

Kate groans at herself. “Sorry, Alyssa, I just—”

“Spill it,” Alyssa goads. “Come on.”

“It’s actually — I mean, my first week here has been pretty exciting, and people have been really kind and patient with me, and I think I’m doing good,” Kate says, holding her hands out in front of her. “Things are okay. Really.”

“And?”

“And...” Kate sighs. “And Victoria’s here.”

“Victoria Chase? You mean from Blackwell?”

“Victoria Price now, apparently,” Kate corrects, and Alyssa’s eyebrows shoot up.

“Wow, neither of them killed each other? Holy shit, I gave them, like, a year at most. Dude, does that mean Chloe’s in town, too? Maybe I gotta get down there sometime, she was cool.”

“What, you wouldn’t come for me?” Kate asks, putting on a fake pouty-face.

“Eh.” Alyssa wavers her hand in the air. “You’re okay.”

Kate laughs, because she knows Alyssa’s joking. In fact, since that October, Alyssa had also assigned herself as Kate’s guardian — perhaps she didn’t make it quite so obvious as Victoria had, but Alyssa had clearly decided not to let Kate stray out of her sight for long. Kate always found herself grateful for their talks. Sometimes it felt like she was the only person Kate had managed to hold onto throughout her years of schooling, though they hadn’t been physically in the same place for a year at least, now.

The Victoria issue feels a little less heavy when she talks about it with Alyssa. She has a way of making everything seem sort of unimportant.

“Okay, so what did she actually _do_?” Alyssa asks. “Or did you just spot her across campus and scamper away like a scared bunny?”

“We, uh...we’re having lunch tomorrow, I think.”

“What? How’d that happen?”

“She sort of just said it. So now it’s happening.” Kate slumps in her chair. “I let her talk for a minute, and...”

Alyssa laughs. “Yeah, that sounds like Victoria. Is she working there, too?”

“Yeah, she’s a photography teacher, I think.”

“Oh, man, she must be an absolute terror to the kids. Bet she fails you if you don’t wing your eyeliner properly.” Alyssa grins. “Dude, can you livestream your lunch, or something? I wanna watch you flail around in front of her.”

“Alyssa, I’m actually — I’m actually kind of nervous about this.”

“Okay, okay, just teasing. Seriously, though, I bet she just wants to see how you’re doing. She’s just a person. I mean, I’m kinda curious about her and Chloe too now. Might Facebook-stalk ‘em.” Alyssa puts a finger on her chin for a moment, then smirks.

“Or, since she’s married now, maybe she’s looking for a nice mistress. Can’t imagine she’d be satisfied with just one—”

“ _Alyssa!_ ” Kate sputters, heat rising in her cheeks. “I—I’m not—”

“We’re not repeating that conversation,” Alyssa warns. “Just wait for the universe to prove me right like it always does. Besides, I can’t think that you’re her type anyway.”

Kate simmers. Remembers a few tense conversations with Alyssa, usually following her lukewarm attempts at dating in college.

( _“If you didn’t ‘feel it’ for that guy, and you didn’t ‘feel it’ for the guy before that, and the guy before that,_ maybe you don’t feel it for guys, _Kate. Seriously, stop torturing yourself like this. It’s honestly just sad to watch. It’s college. Try a girl.”_

 _Kate shuts off the link and doesn’t think about Victoria and Chloe’s voices in the dark._ )

“Sorry, Kate, sorry, I know.” Alyssa raises her hands in defeat. “Right, you’re the good Christian girl, very open and loving and all that, but no homo.”

Kate _is_. Ever since she started seriously studying psychology and trauma and the plight of the ill and abused, she’s had to adjust her faith a little bit. It’s more satisfying now. Her God isn’t the God her mother imagines, but that’s not a bad thing. Kate’s God is kind and open-hearted to all who’ve suffered, and he cannot give these people these feelings and then punish them for it. That’s not what a good father does. To be honest, the shift probably started somewhere in that Blackwell year, too, but Kate’s never felt more sure of God’s love and God’s acceptance.

But she’s still not gay.

She’s a very good ally. For her students.

She’s going to find a nice husband and raise beautiful children and she’s going to be a pillar of the community, so that everyone who comes into the office can see that one bad experience doesn’t have to define you. She’s going to be normal and pious and kind. As soon as the right guy comes along. He’s got to sometime, right?

“Kate, you’re spacing on me.”

Kate manages to meet Alyssa’s eyes. “Sorry, sorry. It’s been a tough week, you know? Ugh, I haven’t even asked how you’ve been doing. What’s going on with—”

Alyssa’s ringtone sounds through the screen, and she picks up her phone from beside her laptop camera and gives it a disgusted face. “Derek? I think I’m about to find out. It’s like dudes don’t even know when they’re one-night stands, God.”

“Haven’t you guys...” Kate blushes as she recalls the last few weeks of Alyssa’s...turbulent love life.

“Okay, three night stand, but that doesn’t make him my boyfriend. _Clingy_ ,” she groans as she stares at the phone. “Okay, I’ll take it, fine. Call you back when he’s done crying.”

As the call goes dead, Kate relaxes in her chair. She’ll be okay. Victoria’s just a person, which is the one honest thing that Alyssa said. Picking those out is the key to this friendship. The little nuggets of truth that Alyssa so easily throws out need to be found and kept safe.

She breathes. She gets up to start dinner. Reminds herself to look for a local shelter. The apartment could use a cat. It’s lonely in this new city.

 

* * *

 

Victoria did text her that night, just to make sure that one o’clock would actually work, and it did. After that, all she said was _Good_ , and Kate had no idea how to respond to that, so that is the extent of their communication at this moment as she wanders the open mall and searches for the cafe. She spots Victoria seated at one of the outside tables at last, nursing a coffee, wearing very flattering sharp-edged sunglasses. Kate checks her phone. 1:03. She’s late, and Victoria’s not. Naturally.

Victoria raises a hand in the air and flags her down. Kate notices that she’s already got a soup and sandwich on the table, though she hasn’t touched them yet. “Go on ahead inside and order something,” Victoria suggests. “I’ll hold down the table.”

 _Confidence._ Always confidence from Victoria. Kate nods quickly and sort of sleepwalks through getting her lunch, emerging back out into the open without really knowing what she’s got in her hands, besides a carefully-selected tea. That, she can always pay attention to.

As she sits down across from Victoria, she’s about to ask what this is about, why Victoria has done this, but as always Victoria’s a step ahead.

“I had no idea you were coming to work here.” It almost sounds like an accusation. “But it is good to see you. All that stuff at Blackwell feels like forever ago, doesn’t it?”

“It does,” Kate agrees, but then she has to add, “But it almost feels like yesterday too, if that makes sense.”

“You know, it kind of does.” Victoria absently rubs the ring on her finger, black onyx with a sapphire set on the top of it. It sticks out from the rest of her wardrobe, totally against her style. So are those skull earrings, actually. It strikes Kate strangely when she realizes that Chloe’s got her mark on this woman, even if she’s not physically here. “Like...” Victoria thinks for a second. “What happened that year sort of set me on a path. To my wife, to this job, everything.”

Kate nods. “If it wasn’t for...everything that happened, to me, and Max, and Nathan...I don’t think I’dve gone into this position, either. But after a while, it seemed like I had to.”

“You still drawing?” Victoria asks.

“When I can. A publisher’s interested in starting a series with me, actually, but honestly I’m glad to be working this day job. It feels like what I should be doing. Helping people who’re having a bad time in school, believing their stories...”

Victoria _smiles_ , and it’s warm, and Kate wonders if that’s the kind of smile that Chloe gets. “It’s nice to hear that. After how messed-up me and Chloe were...I was kind of worried about you. You were closer to it than either of us, and we just about killed each other over it.” She swirls her spoon in her soup for a moment. “Sorry if I kind of dragged you into, like, my personal introspection, but...”

“It’s fine,” Kate assures her, and suddenly it is. Victoria’s just a person, still smarting a little from the mistakes she’d made in high school. Everyone does that. Kate clears her throat. Okay. Calm down and talk to her like she’s a woman and not some unassailable icon of power and confidence. “So, why ‘Price’?” she asks. “I wouldn’t think you’d change your name, getting married to another woman.”

Victoria laughs. “Are you kidding? Huge opportunity for me. Kate, we’ve got three dads between us and the only one who wasn’t terrible had the name Price. I was happy to ditch ‘Chase.’ Parents weren’t that happy about it, but they’re not happy about most of the things I do. I think it might have actually opened some doors for me, now that people don’t expect ‘Chase-like’ work out of me.”

As Victoria reaches for her drink, her sleeve falls back from her wrist, and Kate sees a...a tattoo. A blue butterfly, wings spread wide. No _way_ did Victoria get that on her own. How on Earth did this Chloe person manage to get herself all over Victoria? Who could breach those walls and set up camp inside like that? Even if Kate’s adjusting to Victoria’s openness this afternoon, she knows that Victoria’s still a prickly sort, if the way she talks to her students is any indication. So who’s the one who gets to see this all the time?

Victoria catches her staring. “Oh, yeah,” she says, tracing the borders of the image. “Chloe’s tattoo is way bigger, believe me. She insisted I get one as a ‘wedding present’ for her. I told her that’s not how it works, but once she’s got an idea in her head...”

“Where’s she working?” Kate asks. “I can’t imagine her staying at home—I mean, it’s not like I knew her well, but...”

“Oh, she’s fixing up every hipster bike in this town over on the Hill,” Victoria says, waving her hand vaguely towards the location in question. “She’s kind of fallen into a band, too. Took up the bass. She’s really good.” And then Kate sees a capital-I Idea strike Victoria, and tenses up.

“Actually...” Victoria begins. “She’s been talking on and on about having a song that’s ‘missing’ something. She wants to write one for their debut EP, and she’s got one, but there’s a part she wants to fill with a different instrument. She’s kept me up a couple nights screwing with synthesizer programs and stuff...Do you still play the violin?”

Kate can feel the shared life of Victoria and Chloe reaching out for her like the tentacles of some great, mysterious octopus. She _wants_ to know more about them. She always sort of did, and now here Victoria is, offering her friendship and company, right after she’s moved to a new place, right when she needs it. What’s the harm? It’s not like this’ll get in the way of anything. She’s got nothing to lose.

Still, she stammers as she says, “Y-yes. Not professionally or anything, but I still practice, just for myself.”

“Okay, here, tonight I’m gonna tell Chloe about this, give her your number. You’d do her one hell of a favor, she’s in artistic agony and it’s driving me nuts.” Victoria pulls back her sleeve again and looks at her watch like she’s going to sentence it to death.

“Shit. I need to get back on campus. You can have my soup,” she says, getting up and grabbing her still-untouched sandwich. “We need to talk less, eat more next time. Ciao.”

And just like that, Victoria’s gone and Kate’s been volunteered for another future social event without even really being asked. And Kate’s probably way too curious about Chloe and Victoria and their relationship and she’s thinking too much about nights in 2014 and she’s wondering if she’d been wanting their connection, their strange bond, back then...or just _them_ _._

Alyssa’s going to laugh her head off about this.


	3. When Your Mind Begins To Sing

Kate receives the first text that night as she comes home. The first of _many_. Chloe is not one to fear the double-text, because by the time Kate’s actually reading her phone, it says:

_vic says u got the violin skillz_

_help me obi-wan katenobi ur my only hope_

_email?_

And as Kate starts to type in her email address, more pop up:

_need to send you the sheet music_

_got the part all down but i couldnt make it sound right w/out a real instrument_

_it sounds good in my head but not on synths_

_record on ur laptop and send it over asap_

_super hyped about this_

_you will save this song_

After she sends off the address, Kate responds with:

_Don’t be so sure. I haven’t played for someone else in years._

**Chloe:**

_no negative vibes allowed_

_once you send it to me i’ll mash it up with the demo version and see if it works_

_and it will because im awesome and youre awesome and were awesome_

She’s just as strong-willed as Victoria, then. Kate considers, for a moment, what would happen if the two of them ended up in a fight.

City blocks leveled, probably.

Kate sets her bag down by the front door and makes her way to her desk, finding Chloe’s email already sent as soon as she logs in. The file’s labeled ‘vermin end’, and when Kate opens it up, she sees that it’s actually a scan; Chloe penned the notes herself, her handwriting blocky and large but still perfectly readable. She prints it out, then drags her music stand out from her closet and sets it up in the living room. She removes her violin and her bow from the case, gets into position, and sight-reads.

It’s not a terribly complex piece; in fact, Kate’s memorized it after only a couple of minutes. It’s probably only forty seconds long, if that. She wonders how this could possibly be so difficult for Chloe to get right, and then wonders if she’s messing it up, somehow. If this is so important to Chloe, then why is it so easy? Or maybe Chloe’s just a perfectionist, but then, Kate remembers what Chloe used to look like back at Blackwell, and that can’t be right. Or maybe it really is just that they need a violinist.

After she runs through it a few times, she thinks she’s got it down enough to record it. She uses her webcam, lacking an actual program for this sort of thing, and she feels a little uneasy under that bright blue LED as she performs in front of her desk. But when she looks over the video, it’s fine. The audio’s clear enough for a rough cut.

After she sends it off to Chloe, she texts her to let her know. The response is immediate:

**Chloe:**

_yes yes yes excellent great perfect_

_exactly how it sounded in my head_

_ill send you the demo once i finish messing with it_

_if it turns out right, can u come down to the studio sometime this week and record with us for real?_

_ill buy u food_

Dear Lord, Chloe texts fast. Kate considers her options while she stares at the screen, fiddling with her collar. Is there any real reason not to? It might be fun to play in a real band, no matter what they sound like. And she’ll get to meet this mysterious woman who, so far, is only memory and text messages and a tattoo on Victoria’s wrist.

She sends back _Sure, what time?_ and receives:

_weve got saturday 5-7 scheduled_

_this is gonna kick ass_

_if we do a show imma drag you into that too be warned_

Kate freezes. That’s a lot to take in all at once, but...but fine. She’s got nothing else going on, after all. After she sends another affirmation, Chloe seems satisfied for the moment, so Kate switches over to her videochat app and calls up Alyssa.

“Well, you’re not dead, so lunch must’ve gone okay,” Alyssa says as soon as she’s on screen. “So what happened?”

“I’m, uh, helping Chloe record a song.”

Alyssa cocks an eyebrow. “Okay, you’re gonna have to explain a little more than that.”

Kate fills her in on her strange day, and just as she’d suspected, Alyssa cackles.

“Oh, man. You’re being adopted, Kate,” Alyssa informs her.

“What?”

“No, it’s a good thing, I do it all the time. Some intern comes in that I think is cool, so I kinda put ‘em through the friend-wringer, see if they can hack it with me and my people,” Alyssa says. “You already passed Victoria’s little initiation. Now she’s throwing you to Chloe. If you can handle her, then you’re gonna be _set_ in that city. I bet they already know everyone worth knowing.”

Kate sort of reels back from the screen. “B-but—”

“Dude, don’t even worry about it. It’s a good thing, I told you, now you don’t have to put any work into making friends, as long as you don’t choke on this music thing.” Alyssa leans back in her chair. “You have lucked out, Kate. Don’t blow this. And I know you can do the actual music-playing part, so just don’t freak out and like try to tell them about Jesus or something and you could just coast.”

Kate rubs the back of her neck. “I’m a little nervous. I don’t even know what the song I was recording for even sounds like...”

“You probably don’t actually have to be in the band. Just making the effort is gonna be enough for them. Shows them that you’re gonna at least try,” Alyssa muses. “Seriously, Kate, stick with this. They probaby know all the lesbians in town too—”

“Don’t even start, Alyssa.”

Alyssa grins. “I am so waiting for the day you come home from hanging out with those two and just blurt out _Alyssa, I’m a big fat les—_ ”

“Stop.” Kate purses her lips. Not now. She’s not thinking about that right now.

“No fun,” Alyssa complains. “Anyway, anything non-Price happening in your life? Because let me tell you, I’m having the time of my life trying to manage Derek and Diana’s BS...”

As Alyssa spins a yarn of two people who don’t understand what rules are, Kate thinks that she’ll never understand Alyssa’s magic. It seems that every time they talk, Alyssa has tales of more people she’d played around with, under very clear boundaries, who have just started _bothering_ her. Kate wishes that she could have that kind of confidence with love, but it seems to always take so long to warm up to a guy, and then when she actually tries anything...it tends to just abruptly stop being interesting. She doesn’t really keep up with everything Alyssa’s saying, and Alyssa doesn’t really expect her to, clearly. Alyssa just needs to complain.

By the time they’ve finished their call, Kate’s told Alyssa about one or two of the cases that had come her way that day (leaving out details, of course), and directing those poor kids to resources that could help them. Frat parties never go anywhere good, Kate’s decided.

As soon as the videolink closes, Kate checks her e-mail and finds the song, along with a note from Chloe:

_new version of vermin. vic hooked me up with this violinist. sorry this is really really REALLY rough but i think its aight for a demo, lmk what you guys think_

She checks the cc: and finds that it’s been sent to two other addresses, a _jack.pruitt_ and a _mollymachine_. _The other members of the band_ , she thinks, and then she realizes she doesn’t even know the band’s _name_. She’s just sort of...being thrown to Chloe. Like Alyssa said.

She downloads the file and hits play. The first thing that comes out of her laptop speakers is a woman’s voice, rough and raw and husky, _We were vermin fucking in a junkyard._

Kate’s barely processed that by the time the drums kick in and the bassline and guitar start going, a slow song, but building faster. Chloe’s right, it’s pretty tinny and sometimes the tracks feel like they’re overlapping each other a bit, but the voice seems to keep everything steady, somehow. As the song goes on, Kate knows whose voice that must be, because she sings of bruised knuckles and sharing cigarettes on train tracks and a stormy night in _your dorm room_ and then:

_You loved me, but I didn’t love me_

_Barrel to my brain and ready to die_

_You loved me, but I didn’t love me_

_Gunshot in the rain and blood in your eye_

Kate feels a chill, remembering. So that’s why this is so important.

_And you said—_

And there it is. Kate’s little song. It overpowers the track, the other instruments stop nearly dead to let it happen, and it suddenly just _makes sense_. Chloe lets the strings slide by, until her voice joins in at the last repetition of the melody:

_“It’s not your fault.”_

And then it’s over.

Kate’s shaking. She’s thinking of what this song must mean to Chloe, and to Victoria, and she suddenly knows a lot more than she really should about how they got together in the first place. And she’s thinking of the fact that, if they play this live, Chloe’s going to want _Kate_ to be the one to bring the big emotional finish. It’s a solo, for God’s sake. For a girl who’s never played for anyone but herself since she was in high school.

Alyssa’s words echo in her head. _Don’t choke._ This is her chance to settle into this city near-painlessly. She can manage this.

Her phone buzzes and she jumps.

**Chloe:**

_hey did u get the thing_

**Me:**

_Yes, I did. It’s beautiful. Is it personal?_

**Chloe:**

_no i write about suicide for laffs_

_its for vic_

_i havent told her yet i want it to be perfect_

_still down to record my depressingass song saturday? i kinda sprung how shitty it was on u but like i needed u to record it first so i can still use it even if ur creeped out_

**Me:**

_Of course I’ll come! But who am I going to be playing with?_ _  
_

**Chloe:**

_jack and molly are cool_

_met em in a music shop when i was buying my new bass_

_youll like em_

_i mean i hope so i barely know u but u get what im saying_

**Me:**

_And what’s your name?_ _  
_

**Chloe:**

_uh chloe price dingus_

_oh wait u mean the band_

_were misaimed massacre_

**Me:**

_With a name like that, I’d expect something harder._

**Chloe:** **  
**

_phrasing_

**Me:**

_I just meant I expected something a little more punk-rock from you._

**Chloe:**

_oh we rage we rage_

_its just my job to write the sad song for the ep_

_wait til u hear molly’s stuff she screams like an animal its gr8_

_oh crap horny wife incoming ttyl_

Kate’s been blushing since the _phrasing_ but now she knows, for sure, that she’s thinking too much. She’s thinking about Chloe writing a song for Victoria and she’s thinking of Victoria searching out a musician to help her wife finish that song and she’s thinking of what it must feel like to have that deep of a bond. And she knows a little about how it was formed, now. Grief and pain and self-hatred. _Vermin fucking in a junkyard_.

She puts her forehead in her hands. _I shouldn’t be this curious. I shouldn’t want to know more. She’s overshared already with this song...will Victoria be okay with it? Should I warn her? Or should I just see how this goes?_ _  
_

And on the other hand, she’s really, really curious to see what Chloe looks like now. If she’s got her wife’s marks on her, like Victoria does.

If Chloe still laughs when they—

Kate smacks herself in the face.

Not thinking about that.

She gets up from her computer and sighs at herself.

She wishes these two would just leave her head. But she’s committed to this, now. She’s going to have to work out what this means soon.

She’s not gonna give Alyssa the satisfaction until she’s _sure._


	4. When You Should Start Listening

Well, Kate’s sure.

She knows she’s doomed as soon as she sees Chloe leaning on the wall outside of the studio. She might not want to believe. Might want to at least stick to the _aesthetic_ of being a good, proper Christian woman with a husband and 2.5 kids and a dog. But.

Chloe’s aged really, really well.

The new lines on her face don’t diminish her natural beauty; if anything, they define her eyes and her lips and her jawline more, and her blue eyes sparkle in the sunset. Her dye-job’s not the sloppy pure blue of her Blackwell days, either; it fades flawlessly into violet at the tips and seems to shimmer when she shifts position. Victoria’s handiwork, no doubt. She still keeps the right side of her head shaved, showing off a scar, an incomplete ear; _gunshot in the rain._ Kate’s amazed at how she’s still so open about it. Courage. Confidence. It shows in her posture, too, the way she’s so casually leaning and smoking a cigarette, grey curls pouring from her lips, and Kate can just barely see the gloss on them, and wonders if they share a makeup case. Her clothes aren’t quite so ragged, either; they’re still not high couture or anything, but there’s no holes in that thin black tank-top or those sturdy jeans.

Stop staring, Kate. You’re twenty-nine years old. Quit acting like a schoolgirl. She’s married and you’re not gay except _wow_ you definitely are because now you’re looking at her arms and they’re really nicely toned. Is that so she can lift Victoria up and—

Thankfully, Chloe spots her and breaks that chain of thought. “Kate, that you?” she calls, waving her over to the door. Kate jumps a little bit and continues down the sidewalk, knowing that she’s blushing and sort of hating it but if she keeps looking at Chloe it’s gonna keep happening. As soon as she’s up next to the door of the building, Chloe pulls her into a hug, which doesn’t help anything.

“Dude, I’m so glad Vic found you,” Chloe says, pulling back and grinning at her. “This is gonna be awesome. Come on, Jack and Molly are already inside.” And with that, Chloe tosses her cigarette and pulls her into the building. She starts along the hallway, looking for their room.

Kate didn’t even get the chance to say hi, but that barely seems to matter to Chloe as she rambles on, explaining, “So Molly and Jack got everything set up, we’ve done a warmup, everything’s looking good, but we’ll need to test the balance of your violin to make sure everything’s gonna work...”

Chloe brings her into their space, telling her to set up her violin in the actual studio while she sets up the recording equipment in the booth. Kate finds herself in a small, enclosed space, half of it taken up by a drumkit, with two total strangers.

The woman behind the drumkit must be Molly, and she’s something of a sight, herself. Taller even than Chloe and with bright orange hair in short curls surrounding her head, she glances up at Kate with dark green eyes, then gives her a more thorough up-and-down examination. She’s dressed in a short-sleeved white workshirt and black slacks, a blue-and-black striped tie loose around her neck.

“Huh,” is the first word out of her mouth. “Yeah, you look you could be one of Vic’s friends.”

“That an insult?” the man to the left asks, and Kate tears her eyes away from Molly and examines him. Ratty green vest, black muscle shirt, cargo pants, and an awful lot of hair. Curly waves of dirty blond surround his face, along with a darker, scratchy-looking beard. He’s wearing aviator sunglasses indoors.

“Just a fact,” Molly replies. “I’m Molly Maxson, that’s—”

“Jack Pruitt,” Jack interrupts, setting his guitar down and reaching for Kate’s hand. “And you’re Kate, right?”

“Kate Marsh,” Kate says. Is that the first thing she’s said since Chloe called her over?

“Cool, cool. Chloe’s been tearing her goddamn hair out over this song. Glad she’s finally happy with it. You ready?”

Kate nods. She’s been practicing every day, she definitely doesn’t need the sheet music anymore.

Jack hands her a pair of headphones. “Sweet. Set up over by that mic and we’ll get the sound checks done.”

As Kate opens up her violin case and draws out the instrument, Chloe’s voice comes over the headphones, and she leads them through tests of each instrument in sequence, making Jack use the black-and-blue lightning-patterned bass in the corner for a minute. It doesn’t take Kate long to see how serious Jack and Molly are about this; they’re utterly focused on the music, while Kate keeps having to be reminded twice to come in on time or to pay attention. She keeps looking at Chloe through the soundproof glass. There’s a flash on gold on her left hand as she plays with the knobs.

Finally, Chloe seems to decide that the levels are all right, and comes into the studio herself. As she bends to pick up her bass, Kate sees the tattoo on her upper back, a pair of cockroaches crawling through mismatched rings, one gold, one onyx. And she also sees that Chloe’s not wearing a bra.

She turns her head away and doesn’t think about piercings.

“Everyone ready?” Molly asks, putting her headphones on. Kate murmurs her assent. “All right. One, two, three, four!” Molly calls out, tapping her sticks together, and then it starts, and Chloe’s voice is even better in person.

Kate waits through the song’s length, ready for that “And you said,” counting off time in her mind as Chloe sings through the verses and the choruses that precede Kate’s moment. She pulls it off without a hitch, in her humble opinion, and when Chloe’s voice comes back in it feels like Kate’s done it _perfectly_. It all sounds right.

They wait a minute for the last echoes to fade out of the room before Chloe takes off her headphones. “Sounded pretty good,” she murmurs. “I’m gonna go check the recording real quick.”

“So, you mean, we’re gonna do like six more takes and then you’ll go with the first one,” Molly says, crossing her arms.

“Mol, I love you, but fuck you,” Chloe retorts as she leaves the room.

“Jack, bet you twenty that I’m right,” Molly says.

“Not taking that one.”

“Aw—”

“I’m not a complete moron,” Jack interrupts, smirking. “Let her do her thing. It’s her artistic process.”

“I can still hear you jackasses,” Chloe calls from the booth.

“I know!” Molly shouts back.

“By the way, Kate, that was killer,” Jack says, turning to her. “Seriously, every take we do after this is gonna sound bad compared to that. Beginner’s luck, huh?”

“Oh, um, thanks,” Kate replies, flushing with a tiny bit of pride. “I’ve never played in a band before...”

“Yeah, that’s why you were perfect. Just that sudden, old-school, orchestral sound after all that dark slow punk...Chloe really has it in her. We’re gonna go far, you watch.”

“We have to take her on tour,” Molly opines. “That’s the best song on the EP. It’s gonna be our big one.”

“Ooh, I like that. Hey, pretty-girl, wanna roll around the country with us in a van so you can play for less than a minue per show?” Jack asks, waggling his eyebrows. “Just sounds awesome, doesn’t it?”

Before Kate’s really processed that, Chloe’s barging back into the room and demanding another take. And then another. And another. Molly was very much on the money.

Jack insists they take a break eventually, and Kate bears witness to them covering some old classic rock song, something about DJ’ing at the end of the world. Jack’s singing that one, and he’s got so much passion and fire, mixed with this dry amusement, and Kate finds herself rocking right along with them, even though her own instrument belongs nowhere in this song. She’s starting to get it. Why Chloe’s hanging out with these two.

Molly demands that they play one of her songs next, and hers is a _lot_ faster, and almost entirely percussive. Jack pretty much only gets to play during the chorus, when Molly’s deep, dark vocals turn to screams.

By the end of her song, it’s seven o’clock, and Chloe grumbles about not getting another take as she e-mails the recordings to herself. But then she brightens up when she says, “Oh, yeah, and we’ve gotta buy this girl food. Least we can do. Cosmo’s?”

Kate’s happy to agree, and after they’ve loaded everything into Molly’s van, Kate and Chloe split up for the drive, getting into Chloe’s truck together since Kate took the bus here. Thankfully, Chloe’s replaced her ride since Blackwell, and it actually looks like an operational vehicle instead of a junkyard wreck.

As Chloe puts the car in gear, she says, “Hey, Kate, thanks. For real. You didn’t have to do any of this, but...”

“No, no, I’m happy to!” Kate insists. “I just hope I’m doing a good job.”

“You’re not the problem. It’s—ugh, my vocals just never sound right,” Chloe complains.

“What are you talking about? You’re amazing,” Kate blurts out before she can stop herself.

“Dude, it’s not like I’m a trained singer—”

“It just doesn’t sound right to you because you’re the one making it,” Kate says. “Trust me, Chloe, you sound great.”

There’s a short silence in the truck, and then Chloe sighs. “Thanks, Kate, but I dunno. I just feel like this song is never gonna be good enough for what it’s about, you know?”

“It’s...it’s pretty heavy,” Kate admits.

“Vic was the one who said I should find something creative, to help me, y’know, deal with all the shit that happened to me in Arcadia Bay. And now it feels like...like this is a song I _have_ to make, but also, I’m, like, using our shitty history to make money or something.”

“Victoria said that?” Kate asks.

“Yeah, she, like...she said she uses her studio work to get some of it out, sometimes. And sometimes when I model for her. And music’s always been a big thing for me, it’s just...this is the first time I’m taking it really seriously and I don’t wanna fuck it up.”

“If...” Kate thinks of what Alyssa would say here. That’s hard, because she’s mostly heard Alyssa’s advice about love secondhandedly, but she tries to tap into that friendship knowledge. “If Victoria wanted you to do this, and if she loves you, she’s going to love this.”

“But—”

“Chloe, it doesn’t have to be perfect. It doesn’t sound like your relationship started off perfect, either. But it’s going to mean so much to her, to hear you sing that,” Kate assures her.

Chloe’s quiet for a little bit. “You’re sweet as hell, Kate,” she says as they get further into town and Chloe starts looking for parking. “I dunno if Vic is that—”

“Yes, you do, how long have you two been together, again?” Kate can’t stand this. Listening to this beautiful, talented woman doubt herself. “Victoria’s stuck by you for a long time. I don’t think she’s going to leave now just because you were a little pitchy on one of your lines or something.”

As they pull into a parking space, Chloe sighs. “You’re nearly as good at that as she is.”

“At what?”

“Telling my stupid brain to go fuck itself.” She sniffs, then turns to Kate and grins. “So now I’m gonna campaign for you to be in the band for real, by the way.”

“What?”

But before Kate can get any clarification, Chloe’s already unlocked the door and jumped out of the truck, swinging the keys on her finger. “Let’s get some greasy-ass pizza,” she calls as Kate struggles to unbuckle her seatbelt and struggles with the thought of being wrapped tighter in these tentacles.

She catches up to Chloe inside the restaurant, where they meet up with Molly and Jack and order a pizza that seems too large for any team of college students to handle. As they wait at one of the little booths, Kate and Chloe across from Jack and Molly, Chloe immediately starts in with, “So Kate’s gonna be in the band now.”

“What?” Kate repeats in a squeak.

Molly looks over her carefully. “Hmph. Could work. Maybe.”

“I—I’ve never even written a song, I’m not even like your _genre_ —” Kate stammers, but Chloe interrupts her.

“First of all, I hadn’t either until like a year ago. Second, I’m old-school punk, Jack makes fucking dad rock (not that it’s not great, don’t gimme that look, Jack,) and Molly’s basically a riot grrrl mixtape shaped like a person.” Molly puts on a smug grin and throws up the horns as Chloe continues, “We’re all super different musicians, we’re only a band because we like each other. This first EP, it’s gonna be two songs from each of us. That’s the plan. You don’t have to make more now, but I think you’re kinda great so far and I wanna keep hanging with you.”

“What kinda music are you into?” Molly asks before Kate can object.

“Well, indie rock, I guess,” Kate answers. “I-in terms of modern stuff.”

“Hm.” Molly traces her tie. “We could get something really interesting going.”

“I’m cool with trying,” Jack agrees. “We’re not delaying our first release, though. She can learn to write songs on her own, eventually. But...we’d be something _different_ if we get a full-time violinist with our rock band...” His face slowly lights up as he talks. “Chloe, have I ever told you you’re a fucking blessing?”

“Don’t bullshit me, Jack, I’m just—”

“First you write us that kickass song, what’dyacallit, _Hundred Percent Fatality Rate,_ and then you did _Vermin_ which by the way I fucking love, and now you’re bringing this girl in. Dude. We can do this.” His grin grows to cover his whole face. “Fuck, I’ve wanted to do this my whole fuckin’ life, and me and Molly have been looking for the right bassist forever. I think we actually have a shot at this.”

“We’re not gonna be rock stars,” Chloe warns. “I’ve got a wife and a job, remember? And you guys have your day jobs.”

“But we’ll get to play for people. I know we will. Our record’s shaping up. Once it’s finished, I’ll send it off down to Harry, and I bet we can play down at his place, and that’ll get us going. Trust me. Kate,” he adds, turning to her and holding his hands out. “Join us on our journey.”

“I...need to think about this,” Kate says slowly. “I’m just getting settled in here, I only got here a few weeks ago.”

“Cut the overdramatic shit, Jack,” Chloe says, slapping his hands down. “We’re asking her to join a band, not destroy the One Ring. Kate, you take your time,” she urges, putting a hand on Kate’s shoulder and spreading tingles through her chest. “But it _would_ be awesome.”

Kate thinks as the conversation turns to some strange story Jack feels the need to tell about thieving raccoons and a keg of beer. What would her parents think if they saw her listed as a band member for something called _Misaimed Massacre,_ credited on a song that starts with “ _We were vermin fucking in a junkyard_ ”? What church would accept her? And her...and her sexuality, because, really, looking at Chloe now, thinking of the way that hug and that brief shoulder touch had felt...damn.

Damn.

The problem is, as much as this is against Kate’s own self-image, and as much as it’s crazy to even consider, it sort of sounds like a blast.

She needs to talk to Alyssa about this as soon as possible.

She stays mostly out of the conversation until the pizza’s gone and Chloe’s taking her back to the truck, asking her where she lives. Kate directs her through the streets until they come to her apartment complex. As Kate thanks Chloe and gets out, Chloe does too, circling around before Kate gets to the door and wrapping her in another hug. Kate gets a noseful of some fancy perfume. A scent stolen from Victoria. Chloe’s warm and alive.

“Stick around, okay?” Chloe asks, leaving her hands on Kate’s shoulders. “I know it can get lonely around here when you’re new. Vic’s...” Chloe rubs the back of her neck. “Vic’s still adjusting, I think. I hope you can adjust too.”

“I will,” Kate promises. “Even if I don’t fully join your band...I think I’d like to still be friends. With you and Victoria.”

“Vic could use that. Even if she says she doesn’t.” Chloe gives her another pat on the shoulder. “Anyway. I gotta go home to her. Have a good night, all right?”

“Goodnight, Chloe,” Kate replies as Chloe turns to leave. She watches her go, wondering just how much sadness lies beneath the surface. How much like her the both of them really are.

By the time she’s back in her apartment, she knows what she’s going to have to tell Alyssa.

She sits down at her desk and opens a call.

“Alyssa...” she begins, slumping forward and pushing up her bangs.

“Yes, Kate?” Alyssa steeples her fingers. She knows what’s coming.

“I’m a big fat lesbian and you were right the whole time.”

“One sec.” Alyssa grabs her phone and dials someone. “Hey, Stella? You owe me twenty bucks.”

Kate furrows her brow. “Alyssa, this is...this is kind of serious to me.”

“One sec, for real. Yeah, I’m not joking. You can spare it, big-shot. Anyway, I’m talking to Kate right now. No, you’re the asshole.” Alyssa hangs up her phone and scoots closer to the screen. “Hey, Kate. You doing okay?”

Kate kneads the skin on her forehead. “I dunno. I guess I sort of knew the whole time, but I...I didn’t want to admit it. I wanted to just be normal.”

“You _are_ normal, Kate.”

“But...”

“Kate, come on. There’s nothing wrong with liking girls. You’ve said so yourself like a hundred times, I’m sure. I remember you telling me about those arguments with your mom. So what’s wrong if _you_ like girls?”

Kate doesn’t really know how to respond to that question, other than a weak, “It’s different when it’s me I’m talking about.”

“Why?”

“Because...because then I have to change how I see myself. Now I’m ‘the lesbian counselor’. I—I should be open about it, right? Do I need to, like, get a rainbow bracelet, or—”

“Kate, Kate, Kate. You are _way_ overthinking this,” Alyssa urges. “Don’t freak out. You’ve been like this your whole life, right? So nothing’s actually changed. You’re still you. And besides, you’re in frickin’ Boulder, the half-assed version of Portland. I guarantee you that you can find a hippie church that’ll love to have you and you can still do bake sales and Sunday school and shit. You’re gonna be fine. You’re gonna be _better_ than fine.” Alyssa gives her a warm smile. “Go out and find a girl and—”

“That’s the other problem,” Kate mumbles, putting her hands over her face.

“Huh?”

“Chloe is really, really pretty...”

“Oh, _honey._ ”

“Yeah.”

There’s a brief silence. Kate hears Alyssa lean back in her chair and suck in air through her teeth. “You, uh, could always ask if they have an open relationship,” she suggests at last.

“N-no!” Kate exclaims. “I couldn’t — they’re _married_ — and they’re so _in love_ , I can’t even...”

“Well, shit, Kate. I’ve run out of advice. Kind of sounds like you’re screwed.”

Kate groans. “Alyssa, that’s not what I call you to hear!”

“Well, I dunno...there anyone else you can hook up with? Get your mind off it?”

“Um...” Kate thinks back to Molly, her masculine, alternative look. “Maybe? There’s this woman in the band...”

Kate explains the content of her evening to Alyssa while she broods over the implications. “Well, I guess you can see if Molly would go for it,” she says once Kate’s finished. “But if you keep thinking about Chloe and Victoria, it might not really work out. Shit, Kate. You’ve got it bad.”

“I never said anything about—”

“Not directly. But the way you talk about those two, how much you care about them staying together...man, Kate. Step light.”

Kate moans wordlessly. “Alyssa, this sucks. Can I pretend I didn’t have this realization?”

“Nope.”

“Alyssa!”

“Sorry, just telling the truth. But you’ve stopped running. That’s good. Now you gotta deal with what’s been chasing you, which, uh, not always fun. But, Kate, I think you’ll handle it. You survived Blackwell, right? You can handle an awkward crush or two.”

Kate nods. It’s always strange to hear Alyssa’s faith in her, when she stops teasing. But it’s nice, too. “Okay. I’ll...I’ll try and manage this whole thing.”

“Keep me posted. Also, totally join that band. Live a little! You’ve only got one life on Earth. Try new stuff. Like kissing girls.”

“All right.” Kate smiles despite herself.

“Goodnight, Kate. And good luck.”

 

 


	5. Conversation, Inspiration

The next day, Kate receives a message from Victoria that just reads:

_Lunch?_

She’s surprised for a moment that Victoria even knows where the question mark key is located, given her tendency to simply demand things of people. But she shushes that thought. A proper visit with Victoria sounds like something she should do, especially before making any decisions regarding joining her wife’s band. After a quick affirmation, Victoria sends Kate an address and the words _One hour._

Which seems kind of ominous, but maybe that’s just how Victoria communicates.

When Kate arrives at the restaurant, some overly-fancy Italian place that she hopes Victoria’s paying for, she spots Victoria holding down a table outside, tapping a pen on her menu repeatedly until she looks up and sees her. With a curt jerk of her head, she indicates that Kate is to sit down. Right now, apparently.

“Hey, Victoria!” Kate says cheerfully as she sits down, but Victoria doesn’t return the sentiment. At all. She’s giving Kate that Look, the Victoria Look, like she used to give Courtney back in the Blackwell days.

“Are you stealing my wife?”

Kate’s heart drops straight into her stomach.

“Answer me.”

“Victoria, n-no, no, I’m not—”

“She was gushing about you all last night,” Victoria seethes. “She made you a _mixtape._ ”

“Sh-she did?” Kate stammers.

“She was all about how well you finished that song, kept thanking me for introducing you two—”

“Victoria—”

“And it’s not like I’m there to watch you and—”

“Victoria!” Kate suddenly sees the leaps of logic Victoria is taking, and knows exactly what Chloe’s messed up. Keeping this a surprise. Big mistake. “Wait. Wait. Hold on.”

“Please, I’m dying to hear this explanation—”

“The song’s for you!” Kate blurts out.

Victoria’s expression freezes. “What?”

“That’s why she’s so into it. It was supposed to be a surprise, but...”

Victoria slumps back in her chair. “Really?”

“Yes! That’s why she’s so...so grateful to me, I guess,” Kate tries to explain. “It’s—it’s a really personal song, about you two, and she wants it to come out perfect, so when you introduced us, and I helped...”

“Fuck.” Victoria slaps her hand over her face, digging her nails into her forehead. “God, I’m a fucking idiot. Sorry. You can go now and never talk to me again.”

“Victoria—”

“I always fucking do this. I keep thinking—ever since she got in the band...nevermind, just leave, I’ve already ruined your day enough.”

“Victoria.” Kate reaches across the table and grabs her hand. “Hold on for a second. You didn’t ruin anything.”

“I just—she was being all secretive, and then she just starts gushing about you, and it’s like, it feels like she doesn’t even need me anymore sometimes and then I think she’s going to—”

“Victoria. Breathe,” Kate orders. Victoria acting like this is just plain _wrong._ Victoria’s the strong, authoritative one, and Chloe loves her so much, she can’t think like this. It’s not right and it’s making Kate’s heart hurt just looking at her.

Victoria removes her hand from her face, and breathes. “Sorry,” she mumbles. “Haven’t—haven’t had an attack like that in a while. Not since I proposed. God, I don’t know what I was thinking. You’re the fucking Abstinence Club leader, straight Christian girl, god, I just...”

“Well, actually...” Kate swallows. She should at least be halfway honest with Victoria.

Victoria suddenly stiffens, regaining her poise all of the sudden, her hand darting out from under Kate’s to join her folded arms on the table. “Actually, what?”

“I...I kinda had a little...realization last night...”

Victoria narrows her eyes. “Because of Chloe?”

“N-no,” Kate lies, “It’s, uh, Molly, you know her, right?”

“Ah.” Victoria relaxes a tiny bit, assuming a slightly less intense version of the poise she’d held when Kate first walked in. Kate breathes a sigh of relief to see her back to...well, what passes for normal, with Victoria. “Yeah. She’s pretty gay,” Victoria adds, leaning back in her seat. “Where the fuck is the waiter? I need a gallon of wine.”

Kate clears her throat. “So, um, I can stay?”

“Yeah, sure, the fact that I didn’t just scare you away from ever associating with me is kind of impressive. So I’ll buy you lunch. Deal?”

“It’s not a ‘deal,’ Victoria. I’d like to...” Kate’s not sure how to phrase this, really. It seems too formal. But... “I’d like to be your friend, too. Not just Chloe’s.”

Victoria snorts. “Right. Like our crowds could ever cross over.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I can’t...I can’t hang out with them!” Victoria says. “Molly and Jack, I mean, I just don’t...I’m not their type. I don’t fit. Me and Chloe never fit, but when it was just the two of us, when I was going to school, it was easier to pretend. God, I had to get the law involved so she’d stay with me,” she adds, flashing her ring at Kate. “I can’t believe she’s writing a song for me. Is it about finally dumping my ass and dating someone who—”

“Victoria,” Kate warns.

“What?”

“You know that Chloe thinks this stuff too, right? She’s...you two are so alike,” Kate says, realization dawning in her brain. “She’s so worried about keeping you, too.”

“When did you have this heart-to-heart with my wife?” Victoria demands. “How do you know?”

“We were working on the song together. It came up,” Kate says with a shrug. “She’s pretty open about this stuff, if you didn’t notice.”

“I know. And here I am, bottling everything up till I accuse her of cheating on me. Ugh. I’ve learned nothing.”

“If you just talked to her...”

“I know. But it feels like it’s gotten harder, the more she’s spread out,” Victoria admits. “And...and it’s not like I’ve found...”

Kate suddenly realizes what’s going on. What must’ve been going on since Victoria moved here. “Victoria...are you telling me that you’re not—none of the professors, I mean—”

“Yeah, Kate, I’ve basically got no friends here,” Victoria snaps. “That what you wanted to hear? Turns out that being kind of bitchy and hard to talk to isn’t great for your social status when you’re starting at the bottom of the totem pole and nobody cares how rich your parents are.”

“But—”

“My kids don’t even like me until halfway through the semester when they realize I’m kicking their asses for a reason. And they’re _forced_ to spend time with me, I don’t even get why you give me the time of fuckin’ day.” Victoria glances around. “Where’s the _fucking_ waiter?”

“What about...you had so many friends at Blackwell—”

“Please, I had one. And now she’s off in Washington. The rest of them were just party friends. Facebook friends.” Victoria sighs. “It was so much easier when me and Chloe were just kind of fighting against the world together, you know? Just us two, working through college and grad school and trade school and stuff. Now that we’re settled...I sort of miss that.”

“You can stay together even if things aren’t awful anymore,” Kate assures her. “Bonds like yours don’t just disappear.”

“I hope so.”

The waiter does finally show up at that moment, and the two of them busy themselves with menus, Victoria ordering her wine with great determination. Kate gets water.

“Look, Kate,” Victoria begins as the waiter shuffles away, “I’m glad we got to talk and that you’re not trying to fuck my wife, but...it’s obvious you’re more her type. You can just go play in the band with her and—”

“Why can’t I just be her friend _and_ yours?” Kate asks.

“Because...I dunno. Whenever I tried to hang out with them all I just felt unwelcome. I’m not like them.”

“Neither am I!” Kate exclaims. “Look at me, Victoria, really look at me for a minute. Do I look like I belong in a band with Chloe Price? Or Molly? Or Jack, even?” She gestures over herself. “I still had a good time with all of them. Don’t worry so much. It’s not high school anymore, we don’t have to run in cliques. I’m so happy that you reached out to me, because — because I know that maybe you’re not the easiest person to start being friends with, but once someone’s on your good side, you never let them down.” Kate remembers a party, and a defensive line formed from Victoria’s surefire authority and unwavering will.

“I get why she likes you,” Victoria mutters after a minute. “Here I am, having basically a total breakdown in front of you, and all you want to do is help.”

“I like you both. I want you to be happy!”

“And that’s why you’re a counselor, right.” Victoria gives her a smile. “All right. We have lunch together now. That’s our thing.”

“Deal. And you have to hang out with the band once in a while, too.”

“Only if I can drink.”

“Not too much.”

“Fine.”

“So are you actually going to join?” Victoria asks.

“I think I am. I should try something new, at least.”

“Subtle, Kate.”

“I wasn’t trying to imply—”

Victoria raises an eyebrow.

“You’re messing with me.”

“You’ve got it.” Victoria puts a finger on her lips. “Y’know, the service here is really fucking bad. That’s kind of why I chose it, hoping to chew you out and cause a big scene before we paid for anything...Chloe and the band are hanging at Molly’s place right now, finishing up their EP before they throw it online. Want to go over there, get a pizza or something?”

Kate smiles. “That sounds wonderful.”

“Ugh, you’re so sappy.” But Victoria’s keeping that smile on. “Let’s go.”

Kate only catches a glance of the confused waiter as Victoria leads her away, quite quickly, down the street. “Do you have a car, or am I driving you?” Victoria asks, stopping in her tracks. “I just realized...”

“No car,” Kate confirms. “People said buses and bikes were enough around here.”

Victoria curls her nose up. “Mm. Sure. Public transit and sweating. Well, if you ever need a ride, me or Chloe can probably help.” Victoria starts walking again, towards a car that isn’t quite as expensive-looking as Kate would’ve guessed — but then, she remembers, Victoria’s probably on a comparable salary to her own, and based on what she’d said earlier, maybe her parents aren’t interested in subsidizing her anymore.

It’s a short drive to Molly’s complex, and Victoria fills the space with a story about one of her students nearly getting arrested-slash-hospitalized trying to get a shot in a construction site. It feels strange, just talking to Victoria like that, no heavy issues weighing on either of their minds. And Victoria seems to finally relax, the nervous tremors leaving her arms the longer they chat aimlessly about nothing, the longer she’s in Kate’s presence and nothing's going wrong. Kate’s starting to see the Victoria that Chloe must see.

Once you get past her defenses, she’s really not so bad. Kate finds that she can even tease her a little bit, repeating Alyssa’s joke about ‘failing your kids if they don’t wing their eyeliner,’ and Victoria just snorts and says, “Sometimes. Sometimes I think about it. Those kids are a goddamned _mess._ ”

“They’re just kids,” Kate reminds her. “Not everyone can keep themselves as beautiful as you do under all that stress.”

“Beautiful, huh?” Victoria flashes her a smirk as they park. “Are you trying to steal _both_ wives, right now?”

 _Could you be a little more gay,_ Kate groans in her head as Victoria gets out. Nice, Kate, real nice. She wasn’t _lying,_  Victoria’s always been pretty, but still. The last thing she needs is to start staring at Victoria the way she stared at Chloe yesterday. Get those hormones under control, you’re an adult.

“Molly’s up on the third floor,” Victoria informs Kate as they step into the apartment complex. Kate breathes a sigh of relief that Victoria dropped the teasing before it got too bad, because she cannot be thinking of that stuff right now. Or ever again, please, thank you. They’ve done their job, they’ve told Kate she’s not straight, that means she should move on like a person with a healthy relationship to their sexuality.

Victoria has them take the elevator up, and once they’ve reached door 311, she takes a minute to think.

“I didn’t warn them about me coming...” she muses.

“Then it’s a romantic surprise?” Kate suggests.

“Sure, let’s go with that and not, ‘this is therapy for my anxiety as suggested by Counselor Marsh,’” Victoria says, knocking on the door.

Jack answers it, and his eyebrows shoot up above those aviators. “Hot damn. Hey, Chloe! The mysterious wife has deigned to grace us with her presence! Oh, and Kate’s here, too.”

Chloe quickly shoves him out of the way, grabs Victoria around the waist, and kisses her. For...longer than Kate expected. Victoria lets out a little whimper and it’s starting to feel awkward until Chloe finally breaks away. “Vic, what the hell?” she asks.

“I was having lunch with Kate, and she mentioned you wrote a song for me,” Victoria accuses. “And you didn’t tell me.”

“Kate!” Chloe exclaims, giving her a playful shove back through the doorway. “You asshole!”

“Sorry, it was—” Kate begins.

“I decided to accuse her of trying to fuck you,” Victoria interrupts. “My bad.”

Chloe balks. “Babe, you know I wouldn’t ever—”

“I do. But my brain doesn’t, sometimes. Kate talked me out of it.”

“She’s good at that.” Chloe looks over at Kate again, her eyes softer. “Well, come on in, but you’re not hearing the song until we do it live.”

“But—”

“No buts,” Chloe warns, slapping Victoria’s ass to make her point. “Molly, is it all uploaded yet?”

“Lyrics in and everything,” Molly calls from behind the four of them bunched up in the doorway.

“Then shut it down and don’t let Vic see anything. Let’s order some food.”

Kate and the others file into the apartment proper, settling down on the couch that’s just beside the doorway. Victoria and Chloe take up the long seat at the end and get very close to each other very quickly as Jack scoots around them to get to the mini-fridge in the corner, to offer everyone a beer. Molly and Kate are the only ones to decline, and Victoria quickly finishes hers off. Kate watches her warily, checking to see if she feels uncomfortable, but maybe she’s really settling in as Molly comes over, sits on the couch beside Kate, and puts her feet up on the coffee table.

“So, Kate, decided yet?” she asks, glancing over to her.

“Yes.”

“Yes, what?” Chloe prods.

“I’ll join up with you guys.”

“Fucking sweet. Hold on.” Chloe extracts herself from Victoria for a minute, wandering back towards the kitchen for something. She returns with a jewel case with a crude sketch of Kate on the insert, labeled VIOLINSPIRATION.

“Victoria _said_ you’d made me a mixtape,” Kate comments as she takes the case.

“Yeah, probably why she thought we were fucking,” Chloe admits.

“Sorry, again, that was—” Victoria starts.

“You’re good, Vic,” Chloe assures her. “Like I haven’t thought some dumb shit about you before, come on.”

Victoria still looks a little withdrawn as Chloe sits next to her and puts an arm around her. Chloe’s looking at her so tenderly. She gives Victoria a kiss on the forehead, then turns back to Kate.

“Anyway, you said you’d never written a song before, so I figured I’d get some tracks together that might be the kind of thing we wanna make. Punk and indie stuff with strings,” Chloe explains. “No pressure to start writing or anything, we can think of parts for you too, and all that. It’s a collaborative effort. But I’d love to see what you come up with.”

“Do I have to write lyrics, too?” Kate asks.

“Not if you don’t want to. I’m sure me and Molly and Jack can throw some stuff together if we like what you give us. This is a no-pressure thing, Kate,” Chloe assures her. “If all you really wanna be is like, the instrument for our songs, that’s cool too. Long as we’ve got you on reserve, we’ve got some interesting stuff to make.”

“All right.” Kate opens the case and discovers a track listing on the inside of the insert, mostly artists she’s never heard of. But she finds that she’s excited to find out what all this sounds like. What she could sound like.

Chinese is ordered, and Jack lays out his plan for getting them a live show through connections in Denver, Victoria piping up occasionally to ask what exactly the venue he’s talking about is (“Oh, a converted Blast-O-Mat,” which puts a twist in Victoria’s mouth,) how soon it’s likely to happen, (“End of November, tops,”) and various other little questions, usually answered with a shrug or a “We’ll figure it out.”

Eventually, Chloe declares the need for a cigarette, and Victoria follows her outside. Jack heads to the bathroom, and Kate suddenly realizes she’s alone with Molly.

She gives Molly another quick look. She _is_ pretty, and...and, well, Kate’s gay, and it’s not like Chloe or Victoria are actually available...why not try it?

“Hey, Molly,” Kate begins, “Do you think, sometime, you and me—”

“No.”

Kate blinks. “That was...blunt,” she says.

“You are crushing _hard_ on Chloe,” Molly informs her, clasping her hands behind her head and leaning back. “Or at least thirsting. Don’t date somebody while your mind’s on somebody else. Can really hurt people that way.”

“I’m—I’m not—”

“You _lit up_ my gaydar the minute you walked into the studio,” Molly says. “And I saw you get that eyeful of tit. Chloe might not’ve noticed, she doesn’t notice a lot of things when she’s thinkin’ about Vic, but seriously.”

Kate’s cheeks feel like they’ve ignited. She looks down at her feet.

“Is she your first gay crush or something?” Molly asks.

“I—I don’t know, it’s just...yesterday was when I finally—”

“Hold up. You learned you were into girls _yesterday_ and you’re already trying to get a girlfriend? Kate. Don’t do that,” Molly advises. “Chill out for a while. Settle yourself down. Figure out what you actually like instead of flailing at any cute woman who looks sort of lesbian. Again. Can really hurt people like that.”

“Sorry,” Kate mumbles, sinking into the couch. She sort of wants it to swallow her up entirely.

“Nothing to be sorry for, I know it’s rough to come out that late,” Molly says, reaching over and patting her on the shoulder. “Just give yourself a little time. You’ll be okay. And I bet you could talk Chloe into a threesome if you really tried.”

“Threesomes? What?” Jack asks as he vaults over the back of the couch, startling Kate and sending even more red into her face. “What’re we talkin’ about?”

“Nothing,” Molly informs him, giving him a distinct Look.

And just like that, Jack drops it, leaning forward and asking Kate, “So, can you sing?”

That’s a lot easier to talk about.

Kate tells him that she used to be in choir when she was a kid, but it’s been years since she sang anything, and she can’t really do that while playing the violin in the first place. Jack concedes the point just as Chloe and Victoria walk back in, clutching bags of food, and silence falls over the apartment as people eat.

“We need to do more practice sessions if we really wanna play live,” Jack says once people have settled into their food-comas.

“Scheduling studio time is gonna be such a pain,” Chloe groans.

“Why would you need to?” Victoria asks. “Just use the garage.”

“Wait, you’d let us into your house?” Molly asks. “Won’t we get our filthy punk fingers all over everything?”

“I like filthy punk fingers, if you hadn’t noticed,” Victoria replies with a smirk.

“Rude, Vic,” Chloe says.

“You love it.”

“Mhmm,” and Chloe leans in for kiss, and Kate blushes. Again.

Jack looks at his phone, then lets out an annoyed grunt. “Shit. Need to get to the station in like five minutes. Mol, help me out?”

“Always.”

“I think me and Vic need to get back home too,” Chloe says, smirking. “I think I’ve been leaving her out of stuff for too long.”

“I’ll give Kate a lift, too,” Molly offers. “If you’re cool with that,” she adds, turning to Kate.

“Um, yeah, sure,” Kate replies, thankful to look away from Victoria’s fingers on Chloe’s thigh.

Kate follows Molly and Jack downstairs while Chloe and Victoria take the elevator, Jack calling out that it’s a race as he pounds down the steps. Molly isn’t quite as enthused as he is, and Kate keeps pace with her, instead.

They emerge onto the first floor just as the elevator arrives, its doors opening to reveal Chloe pinning Victoria to the wall. Jack calls out, “Guess you guys won in _some_ way!” as he heads out the door. Chloe and Victoria don’t seem to pay him any particular mind.

Molly rolls her eyes and tugs Kate by the hand to follow Jack.

Kate sits in the back of the van while Jack talks Molly’s ear off about his playlist for the day, what he’s going to do to cover up for his lateness. She thinks. Too much. About too many...images.

After Jack’s been dropped off, Molly makes Kate climb into shotgun and lowers the volume on the stereo so she can give directions. Otherwise, Molly makes no attempt at conversation, and Kate’s grateful. Her mind’s too full of thoughts and none of them are at all wise.

After Molly parks and Kate’s about ready to get out, Molly puts a hand on her shoulder.

“Hey. Baby gay. Thanks for talking Vic into not being weird around us anymore,” she says. “That’s a miracle, and I know you did that. Chloe said you’re a counselor or something, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, those two need one. All of us kinda do. So stay in the band. And figure yourself out for while.” Molly releases her hold.

“Thanks, Molly.”

“And don’t say I said that or I’ll lose my whole mystique. Get outta my van.”

Kate chuckles to herself as she hops out. All right. Relax for a while. Settle into this group.

See if those urges go away.


	6. Falling, Slowly

And Kate settles in.

She listens to Chloe’s VIOLINSPIRATION. Repeatedly. The songs enter her mind as she walks across campus, as she heads to her daily lunches with Victoria, as she sits in Molly’s van on the way to the Price household for another practice session. Snippets form in her head, then turn to melodies, and make their way into songs. She’s not ready to share them yet, these bits she plays in her apartment to her new cat. They need time to percolate, to find counterparts in her mind. But it’s all getting there.

It’s all getting there, it really is. Victoria becomes the cheerleader of the band, almost, happy to provide them a space, food, alcohol, whatever they ask for. And happy, always, to steal Chloe away for a few moments of affection. Happy to sit down with everyone in the living room and chat and watch crappy TV together and just be a part of Chloe’s world.

Chloe, Molly, and Jack, they all write new songs, with string sections. Kate’s learning, growing, adapting to each one’s individual attempts to use this new tool in their arsenal. They never practice _Vermin_ while Victoria’s in the house, though. Chloe’s still insisting on keeping that one a secret until the big day, right before Thanksgiving break, when they’ll be playing as one of six acts down in Denver. Kate reads the online announcement again and again. Chased Out of Texas headlining, then the list of others, and then, “Misaimed Massacre (AWESOME! You’ll see!)” And she looks at the page where people can buy their EP, for whatever price they’d like. Reads the credits. _Violin: Kate Marsh._

It feels good to be there. It feels good to be _here_ , in this city, with these people, pursuing this little dream while trying to get along every day, bearing witness to stories that sound so much like her experiences at Blackwell that her heart seems to break anew every time a new, timid face enters the office. But at the same time, she’s there for them, where it seemed like nobody was for her. She believes them, every one, because she knows how absurdly, cartoonishly awful life can suddenly turn out to be, with no warning. She doesn’t tell them, generally, about October of 2013. But it’s always there in the back of her mind. She remembers the dark thoughts that had filled her mind before the news broke and suddenly everyone believed her. She knows these kids aren’t going to get that lucky break. So she has to help, in her small way.

She talks to Alyssa only once a week, these days, now that the storm has somewhat passed. Alyssa, for her part, seems very happy with everything Kate tells her, even when she tells her that Molly contradicted Alyssa’s advice. “You can kiss girls later, too,” Alyssa begrudgingly admits. “As long as you’re happy now. Whatever works for you, you know?” And this _is_ working.

Well, it’s mostly working.

Chloe’s still captivating. Victoria’s prettier every day, Kate keeps accidentally telling her that and getting teased for it. And Kate can’t pretend that she’s not thinking about them, not anymore. Not when she still wants to sneak little glimpses at them when Victoria drags Chloe out of the garage. Or when she’s watching Victoria’s fingers glide across Chloe’s thigh as they lounge on the couch together. Or...or generally, when they’re together at all, and the PDA just tends to go through the roof. It’s just part of being a lesbian, to like seeing them love each other, right? To enjoy the show, a little bit?

Molly disagrees. Molly has perfected the “Oh, Jesus, not again” eyeroll. Jack, for his part, either seems completely oblivious or just lightly teases them. Kate always feels a little awkward. And warm. And...something. They’re cute together! It’s fine!

It’s fine. It’s fine for Kate to be a lesbian. Fine to use that word to describe herself. Fine to have these feelings and not feel guilty or filthy or ashamed. She doesn’t. Not ever. She’s _stable._

Not that she’s said anything about it publicly. She thinks about changing her Facebook profile, or talking to her family about it, sometimes. And she freezes. And despite everything, despite the kind, nonjudgemental people surrounding her, she just...she can’t. Not yet.

But as Thanksgiving draws closer, as does their first live show, Kate’s getting more and more nervous. The easy rush that had led her into wanting to just _date someone_ after she’d figured herself out disappears and leaves nothing but questions and worries in its wake. What she’s going to say when she goes home. How she’s going to find someone if all she thinks about when she thinks about love is Victoria and Chloe’s marriage. What her new church will think, if she tells them. She selected carefully, of course, specifically for their charity work for LGBT youth, but still there’s this idea in her head, that Godly places won’t accept her as she is.

Alyssa notices, but she doesn’t push. She says that Kate still has time, that nothing has to be rushed. She also says that she’s flying down to see the show, which means Chloe and Kate have to run down to DIA mere hours before it starts and grab her.

Chloe’s happy to do it, blasting her music at full volume for the whole drive. She seems content to just be doing that, riding along with her tunes, so Kate doesn’t feel any need to talk or do much besides sort of space out and stare in her general direction. She’s so energetic when she sings. Her voice is still so good. Tonight’s going to be amazing.

As they pull up to the curb inside Arrivals and park, Kate has to jump out of the truck and hug Alyssa tightly, despite her complaints about her luggage being too heavy and can I just put it into the car first and blah blah blah. Kate hasn’t seen Alyssa in forever, and she owes her at least one too-strong hug.

Once she’s thrown her luggage into the back, Kate gets in the middle seat, right up against Chloe’s thigh as Alyssa squeezes herself into the passenger side.

“‘Sup, Chloe?” Alyssa asks, reaching over Kate’s lap for a fist-bump. “Been a while.”

“Been a _long-ass_ time,” Chloe confirms as they touch. “Hella weird seeing you two together again, it’s like I’m back in that shitpit people call Arcadia Bay. Like the new hair, by the way.”

“Back at you,” Alyssa says, flipping her purple-streaked fringe back. “Kate was right, you look a lot better with Victoria managing you.”

“Vic doesn’t _manage_ me,” Chloe objects, putting a hand to her chest in mock offense as they pull onto the offramp. “My appearance is a collaborative effort, thank you very much. And I am one hundred percent certain our sweet little Kate didn’t say it like _that,”_ she adds as she ruffles Kate’s hair, taking a few stray strands out of her already-messy bun. “Probably some uber-gay shit about how _gorgeous_ I am...”

“Hey!” Kate objects, heat rising in her cheeks. “I don’t—”

“Seriously, Kate, it’s constant with you. Always gotta be complimenting people. Super cute, though, I didn’t say stop,” Chloe says affectionately.

Kate looks down into her lap, smiling a little despite herself as Alyssa asks, “So we heading straight there?”

“That’s the plan. Molly and Jack are already there shmoozing and setting up, Vic should get there around the same time we do.”

“Sweet. I’m staying for Chased Out of Texas, by the way,” Alyssa informs her. “Those guys are badass.”

“Yeah, us too, ‘cept Kate and Vic, I think. You staying at Kate’s tonight?”

“Mhmm,” Kate murmurs. “She has to meet Chester.”

“Oh my god, he’s the cutest fucking cat, Alyssa,” Chloe gushes. “Lowkey jealous like all the time.”

“You guys could get a pet, too,” Kate suggests.

“We’ve been thinking about it, but Jesus, Kate, have you _met_ us? We barely take care of ourselves. I bet we’d kill a goldfish.”

“You’re saying Victoria can’t manage a cat? Chloe, come on. Victoria manages _everything,”_ Kate points out. “Including you.”

“Betrayed! Betrayed by the dearest of my friends and bandmates!” Chloe cries.

“I’m gonna test you, actually,” Kate continues, “Because Chester needs a place to stay while I head back home...”

Chloe seems caught between squealing in excitement and hitting Kate. “You can’t just—” she sputters.

“Victoria’s gonna need some company while she’s on break,” Kate says smugly.

Chloe frowns. “You know us way too well, Kate. It’s creepy. Fine, we’ll take your adorable fuckin’ cat. Twist my arm, why don’t you.”

Kate looks over to Alyssa, who seems generally content to just ride along and give her a vaguely smug look. “What?” Kate asks.

“Oh, nothing,” Alyssa says innocently. “Just remembering some conversations from a few weeks ago...”

Kate goes red and gives her a light bat on the shoulder. She’s _not_ still enamoured with Chloe. She’s not.

Chloe cranks up the music as they get off the highway, and she and Alyssa seem to have a mini-bonding moment over Kate’s head as they sing together. Kate’s saving her voice, even if Chloe’s not. Jack convinced her to add some backing vocals for the songs that don’t have violin parts, and she’s nervous and she’s gotta do this all right. She has to prove that she belongs in this band, with these people. She has to make sure _Vermin_ goes off without a hitch. For Chloe. And Victoria.

Her thoughts are broken when Chloe parks across the street from the venue. Kate’s been here once before, but Alyssa seems thoroughly impressed as she walks through the tiny record-store facade and drops her ten bucks into the bowl. The three of them head through to the small yard in the back, and then into the old Blast-O-Mat site, where the actual stage and equipment are set up in a tiny little garage, walls plastered with ancient posters and graffiti, a few souls wandering about or leaning against the walls. As Kate climbs up to the stage, she spots Victoria near the back of the space, sitting in one of the few crappy little metal chairs available. Looking at her, Kate realizes how out-of-place they both are in this grungy little corner of Denver. They look like they’re attending a symphony, not...whatever this event could be classified as.

Jack, meanwhile, is even more ragged than usual, shorts and sandals replacing his usual sneakers and cargo pants. When Kate questions this as they set up, Chloe going over to greet Victoria and give a little of that patented Price PDA, he tells her, “Girl, you’re gonna be sweating your ass off five minutes after this place fills up.”

Okay, fair point, but also: “And why do you wear those all the time?” Kate asks, pointing at his sunglasses.

“Oh, yeah! You don’t know yet!” Jack exclaims. “Duh.” He takes them off for a minute, and Kate tries to avoid staring. His left eye is clearly missing, significant scarring surrounding the empty socket. “Lost it when I was eighteen,” he clarifies, replacing the glasses. “And my other eye’s super sensitive to light, so it’s like, win-win, right?”

“I had no idea,” Kate mutters, a little embarrassed.

“Nah, it’s all good, finding out how fucked-up your friends are is part of the fun,” he assures her, slapping her on the shoulder. “Looking forward to learning all your little secrets when you start writing lyrics.”

Kate considers his words as they run the sound checks. She’s not sure if she’d call the time she’s spent learning Chloe and Victoria’s insecurities, anxieties, and painful history ‘fun,’ but it’s...it’s meant something. She feels closer to them than she ever would’ve thought, back at Blackwell. And now she’s about to help Chloe dedicate a piece of art to her wife. That thought puts a little tingle in her spine.

Chloe hops up on stage, and as Kate looks over the growing crowd, she feels tremors in her chest. There’s a lot of people down there, and it’s hard to spot Victoria in the back, now. She hopes this will work. For every goal that tonight has. To get them out there, get them a couple of fans, get them going on this band thing. To show Victoria how much she means to Chloe. To cement Kate’s place here.

Jack steps up to the center mic, guitar slung around his waist. “All right, since no one else is gonna do it, I will: What the fuck’s up, Denver?!”

A small cheer comes from the crowd, which seems to be enough to satisfy Jack. “We are Misaimed Massacre! I’m Jack, and these kickass chicks are Chloe,” Chloe gives the crowd a quick nod, “Molly,” and Molly throws up the horns, “And Kate!” Kate gives the crowd a genuine smile, feeling a little nervous in the spotlight until Jack just calls out, “And, GO!”

And they do. The setlist had been planned far in advance, starting with Chloe’s first song from the EP, a hard rocker. Kate joins her for the chorus, “ _So you wanna be my best friend, well there’s a hundred percent fatality rate,_ ” and when it’s over, Chloe takes the mic and proclaims, “That one’s for a couple people I left in Oregon.” Kate looks over the crowd and finds Victoria, standing now, but still at the back.

Jack leads them through a new song, then his favorite cover “‘Cuz it’s got my name in it!” and Kate watches the crowd. They’re _into_ it. During the songs, it’s hard to get a glimpse of Victoria through the raging and the moshing. Someone even calls out, “Now Vermin!” between songs, and Chloe takes the mic and says, “It’s comin’, don’t you worry,” and Kate just can’t believe that someone down there already knows them. Maybe they even came there to see them. Even one person found them online before the show and liked them enough to request a specific song. Absolutely crazy.

Molly’s stuff makes the crowd seem outright dangerous for a bit, but once it’s done and Chloe steps up to her mic, she calls out, “Now calm down, for just a minute. This is our last song. If it wasn’t for Kate, it wouldn’t exist, so give her a fucking hand.” The crowd obliges, and Kate blushes and looks down. She didn’t do that much. “And it’s going out to my beautiful wife.  It’s called Vermin, and it starts like this.”

Chloe takes a breath, looking around the band. They’re waiting on her words. Chloe looks back to the crowd, and so does Kate, and there she is. Craning her neck above others so she can watch Chloe. She looks like she’s holding her breath.

One more deep breath from Chloe, and then:

“ _We were vermin fucking in a junkyard._ ”

Kate’s a little surprised to see the lighters come out during the song. And slightly concerned, given how packed it is down there. But it means she can see Victoria now, while she waits for her time. And Victoria is totally entranced. And shaking, visible even from up here. Her fingers crawl up her face, covering her mouth.

“ _And you said—_ ”

Kate’s already on it.

She closes her eyes and just listens to herself, to the near-silence that’s overtaken the room. Her bow moves almost on its own. She knows this part as well as her own soul.

“ _It’s not your fault._ ”

A cheer erupts from the crowd as the last echoes fade from the room, wild applause. Chloe’s got both hands on the mic stand, staring down into the plastic.

“It’s not my fault,” she repeats to herself.

“Let the lady through!” Molly calls, pointing down into the crowd at the growing disturbance with blond hair.

“Obey your Moses!” Jack adds, spreading his arms wide. “Part the oceans!”

Victoria hops up to the stage, and Chloe looks up from her mic just long enough to catch Victoria’s eyes as she rushes into her, wraps her arms around her, and kisses her forcefully.

The crowd erupts in cheers, and maybe Kate shouts a little something herself, smiling so hard her cheeks hurt. It’s perfect. It’s just how it was supposed to go.

“Thank you very fucking much!” Jack calls out as Chloe and Victoria break apart and gaze at each other. “We are Misaimed Massacre, and Holistic Fuckery is coming up next! Goodnight!”

Chloe and Victoria steal out the door as Jack and Molly start disassembling the stage. Jack waves Kate away as soon as she’s gotten her violin back in its case, telling her that someone’s waiting for her down there, and Kate does spot Alyssa waving to her from the pit as everyone gets out into the yard for some of the cool night air. Jack was right. Kate is absolutely _suffering_ in her blouse and jacket and skirt and tights and that was far too many clothes for this, so she’s glad to hop down and follow Alyssa out the door and into a corner of the yard, where Chloe and Victoria are still clinging onto each other. Victoria’s whispering something in Chloe’s ear, and Chloe’s laughing as Alyssa says, “Dude, you guys fucking rocked that.”

“People seemed pretty pumped up,” Kate admits, still looking at the Prices.

“I helped. I started that moshpit during that one song, the one where Molly was killing it up there. Man, you said she was hot, but _damn._ Can you introduce us?”

Kate laughs. “Me and Victoria are getting out of here, I think. Chloe will probably—”

Victoria suddenly tugs away from Chloe’s grip, looking a little downcast. “Fine,” she says. “I—Sorry, not trying to be a bitch, but...”

“Hey, Vic,” Chloe says, taking her by the shoulder. “Home by midnight, I swear.”

“Okay.” Victoria gives Chloe one last hug, then heads over to Kate and Alyssa. “Hey, Kate. Ready to get out of here?”

“Sure,” Kate says, staring after Chloe. “Is something—”

“It’s fine,” Victoria says through pursed lips. “Come on.”

“All right. Alyssa, you want to catch a ride with Chloe?” Kate asks.

“Don’t worry, I’ll figure something out. Have a good night, guys,” Alyssa says, heading back into the garage.

Victoria gives Kate a quick look, then a wave to follow her as they head back out through the record shop and emerge out onto the streets. She walks with great purpose towards her car, parked two blocks away. Kate can barely keep up.

As soon as Victoria enters the car and turns it on, Kate getting in beside her, she rolls down the window, throws her jacket off, and reaches into the center console. As she draws out a pack of cigarettes, she looks to Kate and says, “Don’t tell Chloe.”

“Why not?” Kate asks as Victoria digs out a lighter from her purse on the floor.

“I’m supposed to be quitting. Smoke-free campus and shit. I _am_ quitting. Just. Two or three a week now.” Victoria lights up and takes a long drag.

“Victoria, are you—”

“God, I’m sweating like a pig. Open your window,” Victoria orders. She sticks her cigarette in her mouth and undoes one, two buttons on her blouse. Kate’s not staring. That’d be rude.

She turns away and presses down the button, feeling some relief herself at the breeze entering the car.

“Victoria,” Kate tries again. “Are you okay?”

“Mm.” Victoria holds up a finger while she inhales, exhales smoke. “Mm. I’m fine.”

“Vict—”

“I just wanted to fuck my wife after she did something incredibly romantic for me, is that so much to ask?”

Kate’s eyes go wide and she looks down at her lap and wills the blush away from her cheeks. “Uh.”

“I know. I know what you’re gonna say because I know what the right answer is. She should be allowed to have fun with her friends. She _is_ allowed to. I just...I don’t want to stick around for the rest of it, it’s not for me, you know, and that means that I just get to go home alone.” Victoria sighs, then puts the car in gear.

“Well...I could come over,” Kate suggests. “If you think you’ll be lonely. I’m your friend too, remember? We could just hang out until she comes home.”

“Shit, Kate, that sounds...really nice,” Victoria says quietly. “I mean, you don’t have to—”

“Victoria, you realize I’m facing the exact same situation you are, right?” Kate says with a smile. “I’m going home alone too.”

“Oh. Huh. Good point.”

They drive in silence for a minute or two as Victoria navigates back to the highway.

“Sorry for always doing this around you,” Victoria says. “This clingy shit I do. I just...sometimes I miss when I was the only person who mattered to her. She’s still the only one who matters to me.”

Kate feels a little drop in her stomach. “So...so I don’t matter?”

“Shit, Kate, I didn’t mean it that way.”

“I know, just...you have me, okay? You don’t have to invest everything in her, all the time. You should spread yourself out a little, like she does.”

“Hmph. Never been that good at that. Kind of an all-or-nothing person,” Victoria says. “But you’re right as usual. You _do_ matter to me, Kate. You’ve been a better friend than I deserve, the way I act around you. Never appreciate you enough.”

“Everyone deserves friends, Victoria,” Kate assures her, laying her hand over Victoria’s on the gearshift. Maybe that’s bold, but it feels like the right thing to do right now. And Victoria does relax, as she throws her spent cigarette out the open window. “That’s littering,” Kate teases gently.

“So’s smoking. Littering the air. I’m a regular environmental disaster.”

Kate just smiles and rubs her palm against Victoria’s hand. It’s nice, to make Victoria feel a little better. Her chest feels kind of bubbly as she holds Victoria’s hand, all the way down the highway, no further words needing to be spoken between them.

Once they get to the Price household and settle themselves inside, Victoria offers Kate a glass of wine. Over cups of red, Victoria asks after Alyssa, how she’s doing, how they’ve kept in contact for so long. Kate suggests that Victoria talk to Taylor again, and that makes Victoria cock her head and consider for a while.

And Victoria keeps asking things, about how Kate ended up where she is, and Kate starts to realize that through all their lunches, they haven’t really _talked_ like this. Mutual sharing of lighter things, stories of their students and coworkers, mostly. But as they settle into the couch, and a shared third glass of wine, Kate learns a few things, too.

“So, the big _thing_ that sorta happened with us,” Victoria drawls, kicking off her heels and stretching her legs out before her, “was Christmas break in 2013. I was supposed to go back for the holidays, you know, but when I drove all the way back to fucking Seattle, where were they? I still have no idea. Some fancy retreat, making connections. So I just...turned around and drove back to the Bay and crashed at Chloe’s place. For the whole break. And it just felt...it was us against the world, Kate. Just us. Two fucked-up kids facing down the biggest assholes we’d ever met, people who hurt us so much, but together, we could handle them. It feels so, so weird. Not to have that sort of thing going on anymore. Just...living. As adults. Wives.”

“I think you’re doing pretty good,” Kate assures her. “You’re still adjusting. So is Chloe, I’m sure.”

“She’s doing it better.”

“Maybe, but you both have to go at your own pace, right?”

“I _guess_. Fuckin’ therapists,” Victoria says with a giggle. “Keeping me company and making me feel better and shit. Just unbearable.”

Kate smiles at her, scooting over across the couch so that they’re a little closer together, shoulders touching. Something inside her tells her not to do this. Not to get so close. But Victoria’s lonely, and Kate can help. A little physical affection between friends isn’t unusual. And maybe Kate’s head is a bit foggier than usual as she leans against Victoria’s taller frame and puts her head on her shoulder.

“You did stuff for me, too,” she murmurs as Victoria at first sort of tenses, and then sinks into the couch with her. “You just sort of adopted me into your life. No questions.”

“Yeah, ‘cept, ‘ _are you stealing my wife_ ,’” Victoria says with a little hiccup.

“Well, she is an awesome wife. I can’t blame you for wanting to keep her close. You two will be fine,” Kate assures her. “She loves you so much.”

“As long as I don’t get too clingy and like...drive her away, or something.”

“You won’t. You’re adjusting. You’re getting better. You let her stay and you didn’t yell at her and you aren’t gonna make her feel guilty about it when she comes home, right?”

“No. She has nothing to be guilty about.”

“Then you’re gonna be okay. You have to be,” Kate says.

Victoria adjusts herself so that Kate’s head is now more on her chest than on her shoulder, so she can look down at Kate more directly. Kate doesn’t mind this at all. “And what’s that supposed to mean?”

“You’re a great couple. No breaking up,” Kate mumbles, feeling drowsiness settling in as she breathes in the mixed scent of Victoria’s dried sweat and perfume.

“You are a huge lightweight, aren’t you?”

“M’not stating the obvious for you, Victoria.”

Victoria laughs, and then Kate feels warm as Victoria’s arm wraps around her shoulders. Kate _likes_ that. Quite a lot. And it feels so right, in this moment.

Silence falls over the night as Kate considers just nestling in here and falling asleep, almost forgetting about what they’re supposed to be waiting for until her phone buzzes on the coffee table where she left it. Victoria reaches forward and grabs it for her.

“Alyssa says she’s staying at Molly’s tonight, and she’ll give her a ride to the airport in the morning,” Victoria informs her. “So, no worries about getting home.”

“Alyssa does move fast,” Kate mumbles.

“Excuse me?”

“I just hope she doesn’t hurt Molly. Molly’s nice.”

Victoria laughs. “Honey, I don’t think anything short of a nuclear bomb can hurt that woman at this point. She can probably handle whatever it is that Alyssa does with people.”

Kate likes it when Victoria calls her ‘honey.’

Victoria reaches for the remote and turns on...something. Kate’s not paying a whole lot of attention. Lots of swearing and gunshots. An old episode of an old show. Kate closes her eyes.

Someone shakes her by the shoulder.

“Hey, drunkies,” Chloe says as Kate and Victoria both stir. “You guys did a number on that bottle.”

Kate realizes that she’s draped over Chloe’s wife, right in front of her, and quickly disentangles herself as Victoria yawns and stretches. “Mm. Hey, babe,” Victoria says sleepily, reaching up to kiss Chloe.

“That offer still open?” Chloe asks, a little hesitation in her voice as she teases.

“Uh, _duh_. But you gotta get Kate back home first,” Victoria says.

“Yeah, good point. C’mon, Kate.” Chloe grabs Kate by both hands and gets her to her feet.

“I’ll be waiiiiting,” Victoria calls as Chloe leads Kate out of the door, grabbing her jacket and violin case along the way.

As they walk outside, Chloe steadies Kate with an arm around her shoulders, and that’s nice too.

“Didn’t know you and Vic were gonna be hanging out,” Chloe says as she puts Kate’s case in the back of the truck.

“She was lonely,” Kate murmurs.

Chloe doesn’t seem quite sure how to process that. She gets into the driver’s side and sort of stares out the windshield until Kate struggles up into the passenger seat.

“I’m not gonna pull a Vic and accuse you of stealing my wife,” Chloe states. “But I was...I was kinda worried when she left. She seemed—”

“She was just anxious. You know her,” Kate interrupts.

“Yeah. I do. But...I’m glad she has you, now. Not just me. We have to be separate a lot these days, and I know that if she’s not doing anything, she tends to start worrying about me. So, thanks, I guess, Kate.”

“I was a little lonely too.”

“That’s, um.” Chloe swallows. “That’s good.”

After a moment or two of silence, Kate notices that they’re not moving. “Uh, Chloe?”

“Right. Driving you home.”

Chloe turns down her music when the truck starts up. She’s thinking too much as they drive to Kate’s apartment, Kate can see it in her face. She reaches over and touches Chloe’s shoulder.

“It’s okay,” she says, not sure what else should go in this space, but Chloe can’t have that look on her face. “She loves you a lot. That’s why she’s—”

“I know,” Chloe sighs. “I just worry that she thinks — that I’m abandoning her, or something. I know what that feels like. I’m glad you’re there to help her out.”

As they park, Chloe looks over at her and gives her a smirk. “And it’s a good thing I know you’re super fucking gay for me, otherwise I _might_ be concerned.”

“B-Chloe-I’m—”

Chloe laughs and ruffles Kate’s hair. “You’re cute,” she says with a laugh, leaning over and kissing Kate’s forehead. “Sorta flattering, really.”

Kate looks away and covers her face with a hand. “S-sorry—”

“Nothing to be sorry for. I know I’m hot.” Chloe flips back her hair from her face. “Come on. Let’s get you home.”

Chloe helps Kate get inside, up to her floor, to her door. She waits to make sure that Kate finds the right key and gets inside, stepping inside the moment she sees the chubby, blonde-colored cat waiting in front of the doorway and crouching down to scratch his ears. Kate drops off her violin case and kicks off her shoes, throwing her jacket on the armchair across the room.

“Thanks, Chloe,” she says, turning back to Chloe as she stands up.

“Anytime, Kate.” And then Chloe hugs her, and it’s. It’s just great. Kate leans into Chloe, burying her head in her chest. Probably too close. Probably too long. But it’s so _nice_.

“Control the thirst there, Bible-thumper,” Chloe says with a chuckle, gently pushing Kate off. “I’ve got a wife to fuck. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight,” Kate whispers as Chloe turns and leaves her apartment.

She falls into bed with most of her clothes still on. Chester hops up and crawls on her back for a while, kneading her blouse before settling down, and that’s a nice, soft warmth too. But it’s not the one that Kate wants. She wants to settle down between two bigger bodies, to be enveloped in their arms. To be loved the way they love each other.

Stupid. Greedy. Selfish. Don’t get in the way, don’t even _think_ about it. Molly said settle down, and she _should._ So why can’t she help herself? Why is this still here? This stupid, impossible desire?

She crawls under the covers and buries her head in the pillow. She waits for the night to come and take these thoughts away.


	7. A Cold and Lonely Castaway

Kate stares at the blue demonic horse statue of DIA as she flies by it in Victoria’s car. Its red eyes glint in the sunlight and bore into her.

She shivers. She does _not_ like that thing. No matter how long she lives in this state, that’s not gonna change.

“That thing killed the guy who made it,” Victoria comments idly.

Not helpful.

Kate’s thinking. About what she’ll say at dinner, this year. Because she has to be honest when someone inevitably asks if there’s a new guy in her life yet. The last thing she wants to do is lie to her family. But it sounds easier than telling the truth.

“Hey, Kate, you okay?” Victoria asks as they swing up the ramp to Departures.

“I’m fine,” Kate says, because she is. She’s an adult. She can face her family, and she’s got her own income, and she’s _not scared_. But still. She doesn’t want to think about it for a second, so she just asks, “What are you guys doing for Thanksgiving, anyway?”

“Well, Chloe’s pretty much philosophically opposed to ever stepping foot in Arcadia Bay again, and I don’t blame her for it,” Victoria begins. “So her mom and stepdad are coming over here, she’s picking them up later tonight. Oh, and Jack and Molly are coming by, too.”

“Really?” Kate asks. “Don’t they have families?”

“According to Chloe, not really. Jack’s a former foster kid who aged outta the system, and Molly...she doesn’t say much, but we think her family disowned her or something. She talks about a sister once in a while, but that’s it. They’ve had their own little Thanksgivings together for years. Chloe said fuck that, they’ve got us now.”

“What about your parents?”

“Fuck ‘em.”

“Oh,” is all Kate can really say to that as they pull up and park.

Victoria gets out as Kate grabs her luggage from the backseat. To Kate’s shock, just as she turns to say goodbye, she finds herself wrapped up in a slightly stiff, slightly awkward, but very welcome Victoria hug.

Victoria pulls back. “I am actually gonna miss you,” she says. “Have fun, all right?”

Fun. Right.

“Chester will keep you company,” Kate teases, hoisting up her bags.

“He’ll definitely keep Chloe company. She hasn’t had a cat since she was just a kid, I swear, you leaving him with us is all she could talk about after the show,” Victoria says with a laugh. “Have a good flight, Kate. Stay safe.”

“I’ll try.”

 

* * *

 

“So, what are we all thankful for this year?” her mother asks.

Kate knows that the other question’s coming soon, likely right after this one. She has to...set the stage. Somehow.

The oldest go first, that’s the tradition in the Marsh household. Kate watches her father across the table as he says, “Me, I’m so thankful to God that He has blessed all three of my girls with good fortune. I’m so proud of all of them.”

Lynn and Marie smile at him, and Kate tries to, too. Her mother grasps his hand as she says, “And I’m thankful that we can all be here this year.”

Heads turn to Kate. She gulps, because even though this isn’t the right moment, she wants to somehow tell the truth. Right now.

“I’m...I’m thankful for my wonderful and supportive family,” is what she decides on. Maybe that will help, when the time comes.

She sort of fades out as her sisters give their own thanks, for a boyfriend, for a job. As her father leads them through saying grace, Kate asks God to help her. To let her mother have changed since their last big argument a few years ago, on this same holiday, when Kate had started to talk about homelessness rates and...she’s not remembering that, right now. It’ll make this too hard.

She’s happy to just eat for a while, before everyone gets too full and the conversation has to actually start. And it starts just how she feared it would, as her mother looks over to her and asks, “So, find any nice young men down there in Boulder?”

Kate sets her fork down and wants to just clasp her hands and pray right here and now, but there’s no time. She has to answer, and she has to do it honestly. She takes a breath.

“Actually, I’m...” Breathe, Kate. “I don’t...I’m not interested in men.”

Her mother’s eyes narrow. “Kate, honey, you’re almost thirty. It’s time to find yourself a husband.”

“N-no, I mean...” Kate looks to her father, who’s rooted to the ground and clenches his fork in his hand. He knows. Lynn and Marie exchange looks. “I mean, I’m gay.”

To her surprise, her mother chuckles. “Kate, that’s ridiculous.” She stabs at a scrap of turkey as Kate gapes at her.

“Mom, I’m serious,” Kate says, feeling a chill in her chest.

“You’ve dated men before,” her mother says through a mouthful.

“But I never _liked_ them,” Kate explains. “I never...felt anything. And I do, around women. And I—”

“Enough, Kate, this is silly. Really.”

Kate clenches her fists. “It’s not _silly!_ This isn’t some—it’s not—I’m not saying this for _fun!_ ”

“Kate. I said enough.”

“Debbie!” her father exclaims. “Don’t talk to her like that!”

“She’s my daughter,” Debbie says. “I’ll talk to her honestly, and she’s honestly being ridiculous. Richard, do you really think she’s—”

“I’m an _adult_ , Mom,” Kate says, trying to keep the hiss out of her voice because Lynn and Marie are now looking at each other with genuine panic. “I know what I’m feeling.”

“Obviously you don’t. You’ve been hanging around too many liberals in that Godless town,” Debbie accuses. “They’re confusing you, making you think—”

“I’ve felt this way for a _long_ time before that, I just hid it away because—”

“You need to resist these _urges_ , Kate,” Debbie interrupts. “Or whatever it is you think you’re feeling. God is watching.”

“The God I love wouldn’t judge me,” Kate replies, digging her nails into the tablecloth. “The God I _know_ would not condemn me.”

“Then you don’t know God.”

“I’ve studied the Bible, I’ve thought long and hard about this over the years—”

“Did you read Leviticus? Or Paul?”

“Christ nullified the Old Testament and Paul was a—”

“Enough!” Richard barks. “I won’t have this at the dinner table.”

“Well, it’s already here, Richard,” Debbie argues, “Kate brought it here, and—”

“And you will respect my daughter in our house,” Richard says, glaring down at her. “I won’t listen to you berate her like this. She is a fine young woman, and you’re attacking her because she trusted you with something that clearly means a lot—”

“I can speak for myself,” Kate interrupts. But her voice is cracking, and her eyes are watering, because she knew this would happen. She knew they wouldn’t accept her. What did she expect? She’s a sinner, in their eyes. A permanent disappointment. No matter what she does.

“See, Richard? She’s willing to talk. Now, I bet this is all just because of that mistake you made back in high school when you got yourself drugged—” Debbie begins.

Kate’s blood boils in her heart. “How _dare_ you say that was a mistake, I was attacked and now you’re blaming me?”

“Mom!” Lynn says. “How can you bring that up?”

“Because she was being a whore, drugs or not, and—”

“Do not call her that!” Richard shouts, banging his fist on the table. “Debbie, if you don’t calm down this instant, I will have you leave this house.”

“You can’t—”

“I will push you out the door if I have to,” Richard warns. “We will settle down and we will eat like a proper family and you will _not_ attack my daughter again.”

“Oh, _please_ , Richard, I’m not attacking her by telling the truth—”

Kate shoves back from the table and stands up. She wants to say something, let out some final words of defiance, but they catch in her throat as she feels hot tears escape her eyes. She just turns and walks away, wiping furiously at her eyes as her parents start shouting again behind her. She chokes on sobs as she stalks her way upstairs to her old room and slams the door, sitting down on the bed in that blank, nigh-unfurnished space and kneading her fists on her knees, willing herself to stop hurting so much, wishing she could blow this off, be strong, like Victoria. _Fuck ‘em._ But she can’t just say that, not to her mother.

She hates that she still wants her mother’s approval, even at this age, when it shouldn’t matter because she’s an adult and she’s living on her own and she’s doing good work. It shouldn’t matter. It _doesn’t._ According to every part of her intellect, she should just blow off her mother and continue living her life according to her ideals, her identity, her needs and wants and desires. But eighteen years of raising tell her that that is filthy and wrong and sinful and she’s disgusting and disappointing for daring to deviate from the proper Godly path. For being who she is.

God loves her, God loves her, she repeats that in her mind. She _knows_ He does. She’s read the Bible and thought long and hard about how humans interpret the divine through a lens of politics and personal bias. She’s found the truth, the capital T-Truth, behind the stories and the letters.

So why is she still crying?

The voices downstairs are getting louder. Kate can hear Lynn and Marie, too. She can’t just sit here and listen to nothing but her own tears and what she’s done to her family with a few small words. She has to...she has to talk to someone. Anyone. Hear anything but this.

Alyssa’s phone goes straight to voicemail.

The next person on the list is Chloe.

“Hey, Kaaate! How’s it hangin’ in Jesusville?” Chloe says as soon as she answers the phone.

Kate swallows. Tries to get something out.

“Kate? You there?”

“I...”

“Hold on guys, shh, something’s up. Kate, what’s going on? I can hear somethin’ in the background.”

“I—I came out,” Kate manages, her voice small and weak.

“Shit. Guys, be back in a minute.” She hears Chloe get up and move away from the muffled sounds of conversation. “Take it it didn’t go great.”

“M-my mom, she...” Kate gulps. “She called me a whore.”

Chloe lets out a growl. “Motherfucking judgemental piece of shit—”

“She—she acted like I didn’t know myself, like you guys were...were corrupting me, or something—”

“Hold on, Kate. Look, I—I had my own problems with shit parents, but...but I think you gotta talk to Vic. She, um, she knows more about this particular flavor of douchebaggery. I’ll get her for you, okay?”

Kate nods forcefully, then remembers Chloe can’t see her through the phone, so she adds a little “Okay.”

She waits as the noise downstairs starts to fade out. Then, she hears a rushed explanation of the situation from Chloe, and then Victoria’s voice: “Kate.”

“I’m here.”

“Good. Okay. What happened?”

“My mom, she...she kept saying these things, about how, how I’m only gay because of what happened at Blackwell, or because I’m hanging out with people like you—”

“Sounds fucking familiar.” Victoria sucks in air through her teeth. “Listen, Kate. Fuck her.”

“Victoria—”

“I’m serious. You’re almost thirty and she’s acting like she knows you better than you know yourself, right? She thinks she can control you and make you into what she wants if she keeps shitting all over you, right?”

Not the way Kate would’ve phrased it, but, “Y-yeah.”

“Then she doesn’t love you. She doesn’t understand you and she doesn’t deserve your energy. Kate, my parents tried to pull the same shit. We thought we’d worked it out by the time I got into college. But when I married Chloe, suddenly it all came right back. They were hoping I’d dump her eventually, or at least get a beard or some shit, something to keep up the image. They thought my _wife_ was a phase.” Victoria’s voice shakes with righteous fury. Like some misplaced Joan of Arc. “So, fuck them.”

“Fuck them!” Chloe agrees, and Kate realizes she must be on speakerphone.

“You don’t deserve to be treated like this. You’re sweet as fuck, kind to everyone—”

“Hella talented,” Chloe adds.

“—and smarter than any gay-bashing bible-thumping dipshit who dares to call you, Kate Marsh, Abstinence Club leader, a _whore._ ”

Kate’s not sure she agrees with everything they’re saying, but...but to hear that anger. On her behalf, because they both care about her, they do, more than her mother does, apparently. She thinks about the Thanksgiving they’re having, taking care of the people they choose to be in their lives, giving company to fellow lost souls. Not a tense affair where blood ties have to be maintained, but a joyous celebration of the bonds they’ve made.

Jealous. Again.

“Kate. You there?”

Kate just sort of sniffles.

“Shit. Am I helping at all?”

“Yeah. You are.”

“Just...Kate, you deserve so much better than that.”

“So sick of shitty parents,” Chloe pipes up. “Fuckin’...seems like nobody’s ever just fucking nice to their kids without a swift kick in the ass to force ‘em.”

“M-my dad defended me. I think,” Kate says.

“Good. Is he gonna be there for you? Do you want us still on the line?” Chloe asks.

Kate hears a knock at the door, a timid, “Can I come in?”

“I—I think he’s here now.”

“Okay. Call us if you need anything,” Victoria says gently.

“Fuck, call us if you don’t,” Chloe says. “Nobody should be alone to deal with that shit, no matter how it goes down.”

“All right. Thanks,” Kate murmurs quietly. Then, to Dad, “You can come in,” as she hangs up.

“Talking to your girlfriend?” he asks as he sits down beside her.

“N-no. I don’t have one. Just...friends,” Kate mumbles.

“I’m glad you had someone to talk to.” Her father puts an arm around her shoulders and sighs. “That got...I’m so sorry, Katie.”

Kate sniffs.

“Your mother’s spending the night at her sister’s.”

Kate’s shoulders clench. She’s broken up the family with her selfish desires, her filthy thoughts, her—

“I can’t _believe_ she spoke to you that way,” Dad continues, holding her tighter. “I...sometimes I wonder when she got so hateful. I happen to agree with you, Kate. God wouldn’t damn your heart.”

Kate’s resolve breaks and the tears start flowing again, and Dad pulls her into a full-blown hug so that they stain his shirt.

“I am so proud of you, Katie,” he whispers. “You’ve become such a good woman, and if she can’t see that...she doesn’t deserve to share the table with you. You should be happy, with whoever you choose to be with.”

Kate just chokes back a sob, unsure of why she has to cry right now, what emotion exactly is forcing itself out of her.

“Your sisters are on your side, too. We’ll all be waiting downstairs for dessert, whenever you’re ready, okay?”

Kate nods and wraps her arms around him for a while.

“Thanks, Dad,” she says, finally.

“Of course.” He rubs her back. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

He gets up and lingers in the doorway for a moment before Kate gives him a nod. She needs a few minutes.

But eventually, she does go downstairs, and there’s honest talk about the future. Dad says that he’s been worried about his wife for a while now, been worried since she sent that awful e-mail to Kate all those years ago, and now that all the girls are out of the house he’s not sure he can stay with her anymore. That hurts Kate, and yet, it doesn’t, not as much as she’d think.

There’s also pumpkin pie with an Oreo crust, and laughing with her sisters over stories of their new lives, and telling them all about the band she's in and the people she hangs around these days, and there's an old eighteen-minute rambling song, and that helps too. She goes to bed that night full and drained.

She calls Chloe as she stares into her bare ceiling.

“You doin’ okay?” Chloe asks, then a quick, “It’s Kate.”

“Better,” Kate answers. “It’s—I think my parents might get a divorce. And I don’t...It’s my fault, but—”

“Nah, fuck that, it’s your mom’s fault for being a biiiiiiitch. If it wasn’t you being gay, it’d be something else shitty she said that made your dad go ‘fuck that’ eventually. I mean, I’m guessing, I don’t really know, but like. Come on. It’s all on her. Not you. You’re fucking perfect the way you are.”

“Listen to my wife,” Victoria adds. “You didn’t do anything wrong. You were honest, and she decided to attack you for it.”

Kate loves hearing this. Their ferocity. Their shared determination, built from a lifetime of dealing with hard things. And Kate realizes that she’s a bit like them, too. She’s had her struggles, and she’s dealing with them, the best she can.

“Thanks so much. Both of you,” Kate says, and she chokes a bit on her words but it’s a good kind of lump in her throat.

“Anytime, Kate. Get back here soon or I’m stealing this fuckin’ cat, though. Here, listen to this motherfucker—” and Kate hears a vibrating purr through the phone as Chloe puts her receiver to Chester’s throat. “Cute as hell. Like you. So come and get him and let’s hang out tomorrow, kay?”

“That sounds wonderful.”

“You know it.”

“Goodnight, Chloe.”

“‘Night, Kate.”

“Sleep well,” Victoria adds.

“I’ll try.”

As Kate hangs up the phone and puts it on the nightstand, she sighs. Exhausted, sure. But free, in some strange way. Honesty always pays off, in the end.

Hopefully.


	8. Giant Leap

A storm brews in Kate’s skull through the entire flight. It grows while she waits for the tram to take her to Arrivals, while she waits for her ride. A mass of hot and cold thoughts, ideals of freedom from confinement mixing with her fears. I’m out. I don’t have to hide myself anymore, especially not from myself. I broke up my family. Mom won’t talk to me. But if I find a girlfriend, I can bring her to Christmas. Where Mom won’t be.

But it clears up, almost right away, when Victoria’s car pulls up and Chloe jumps right out and wraps Kate in her arms, lifting her up off the ground a little bit. Just as she’s being set down, Kate feels another body pressing against her, and she just laughs because that’s Victoria, and Chloe’s saying, “Welcome back to the land of not-assholes, Kate!”

Kate takes a minute to enjoy the group hug. Once Chloe and Victoria cease their squeezing, Victoria asks, “You doing all right, Kate?”

“Yeah. Now that I’m back here...yeah,” Kate replies, rubbing the back of her neck and trying not to blush too much, looking at the both of them, so full of concern and warmth for her.

“Feels good to be yourself, doesn’t it?” Chloe asks. “Letting it all hang out.”

Victoria laughs. “Chloe, don’t say it like _that_. Not about Kate.”

Kate giggles, putting a hand over her mouth. “It does, though. It really does.” She lets out a sigh. “I hid it from myself for long enough, hiding it from other people for too much longer seemed like torture.”

“Believe me, Kate, I understand,” Victoria says, smiling at her. “Of course, I kinda came out in the middle of bitching out my parents, but it was still such a relief.”

“You came out to Taylor before that, right?” Chloe asks.

“Doesn’t count. It wasn’t scary.”

“Seems like a fucked-up way to look at it.”

“Chloe, you’re just saying that because you might as well have the words I’M GAY tattooed on your forehead, so you never had to put the effort in,” Victoria accuses, shoving her back.

“Good point,” Chloe admits. “But, anyway, let’s stop sittin’ in the pickup line and get this chick some Mexican food. Cheapass cheesy burritos?”

Kate smiles and nods. “And you said something about hanging out at your place?”

“Duh, of course, you gotta get your cat. And we got a new movie to watch, I think it’s about post-apocalyptic lesbians,” Chloe confirms.

“It’s probably less gay than you think,” Victoria says, prodding at her. “You read too much internet stuff.”

“Well, let’s find out! It’s an adventure, right?”

 

* * *

 

 

The movie _is_ significantly less gay than Chloe made it out to be.

It’s more just...bleak. And it all seems hopeless, for most of it.

Kate finds herself feeling a little lost at the opposite end of the couch from Chloe and Victoria. They look warm and content together, Victoria’s arm around Chloe and Chloe looking quite pleased to be there, despite the darkness of the events on-screen. Kate strokes Chester, sitting on her lap, and thinks too much. About leaning on Victoria’s shoulder, about being in Chloe’s arms.

The cat gets up and leaves just as another character she’d thought to be invincible dies. Kate curls into herself a bit, suddenly lonely over here. She scoots over so she’s just one seat over from them, her thigh nearly touching Chloe’s.

She holds her breath as a group of gas-masked men with guns walk into the mall the main characters are scavenging, silent but for their boots crunching down broken glass from the skylight above. She’s tense. Waiting for everything to go wrong.

Chloe glances over at her for a second. A long second, as their eyes meet. Then Chloe carefully turns her attention back to the screen as her arm comes up, and around Kate’s shoulders, and pulls her a little closer.

And then _much_ closer when the gunshots ring out.

Kate’s heart pounds in her chest. Is Chloe really doing this? And Victoria’s not even caring? And yet, despite the fact that this just feels too intimate, too close, it’s really, really good. Kate sort of loses track of the movie for a while as she feels Chloe’s body heat. When she’s finally able to stop thinking of things she shouldn’t be thinking about, at least enough to get back to the film, the stakes seem a lot less high. Even as they ramp up quite a bit. She leans into Chloe’s side and settles into the couch, unable to see Victoria’s face from here, but...obviously she doesn’t care, or she’d speak her mind, right?

What _is_ this?

Stop thinking like a wishful idiot, Kate. Chloe’s always kind of huggy and physically affectionate. It’s just how she is, and she saw you looked scared, and she’s just...she’s like that with her friends, okay? And Victoria was drunk, last time, of course she was okay with your weird cuddling session.

The movies ends as the two last people in the whole world, both women, flee the city together, holding hands as they drive. The three of them stay quiet for a little while, watching the credits go by, Chloe’s hand idly rubbing Kate’s shoulder. That’s nice. That’s really nice.

“Told you it was gay,” Chloe says after a minute.

“They had like _a minute_ of handholding,” Victoria scoffs. “The rest was all straights all the time.”

“Nah, they were gay for each other for the whole thing—”

“Sure, but that’s not really a good reason to watch it.”

“Who says? Besides, I liked it. Kinda badass.”

Kate chuckles as they start a little mini-argument where they aren’t necessarily disagreeing with each other, but they feel differently about the things that they agree are true. She enjoys Chloe’s continued touch and lets herself breathe. Even if it’s impossible, even if it can’t ever be real, this feels good, so why worry about it?

“Hey, Kate,” Chloe says suddenly, breaking Kate’s mind out of its slow descent into darkness. She was falling asleep, wasn’t she? On Chloe. In front of her wife.

“Uh, yeah, what’s up?” Kate says, jerking up in her seat and straightening her shoulders.

“Just, like...I don’t know. I want to tell you that you’re like, part of the family now. With me and Vic and Molly and Jack. You need anything, you ever want to talk, you come to one of us, kay? We’ve all been through some rough shit, and a lot of the time, we were alone to deal with it. I don’t let that happen anymore. You get me?”

Kate’s not sure what to say to that. She thinks of everything they’ve already done for her, and she thinks about _we’ve all been through some rough shit,_ and the problem is, she knows that. She knows how hard their lives must’ve been. She’s heard their songs, snippets of their stories. It hardly feels like she’s suffered as much as they have.

“Seriously, Kate.” Chloe’s looking at her intensely, so serious, none of her usual half-cocked teasing. Kate finds it hard to meet her eyes. “I know you said you’re doing okay. You probably think you really are, too. But the kind of stuff that you just had to deal with...it always comes back, after a while. It gets easier every time, but only if you’ve got people to help you out. If you don’t, it gets so much fucking _worse._ So...just, when it comes back, when it bothers you, come to us.”

Victoria shifts forward in her seat, bringing her arm off of Chloe and holding both hands in her lap. She’s peering around Chloe’s chest at Kate. It feels like too much.

“Listen to my wife. I know I say that a lot, but really, it’s good advice almost half the time,” Victoria says with a smile. “You made me feel less alone. Let us return the favor.”

They know each other so well. They love each other so much. And here Kate is, wanting to somehow infiltrate that, be a part of their world, but not in the way Chloe’s offering. She wants more than that. They’re offering her so much, but she still wants more. But she can’t tell them that. She needs to bury this. The way she buried her other attractions for all those years.

“T-thank you,” she manages through the lump in her throat. “You don’t have to—”

“Fuck that, of course we do. We had to have Jack and Molly over for Thanksgiving, too. It’s...” Chloe runs a hand over her scars. “When you know how shitty life can be, you know you can’t let other people walk into the shitshow alone if you can help it.”

“I—I’m not that bad off. Really,” Kate promises. “It’s—it’s gonna be hard to deal with the fallout. I know it is. But I have my dad and my sisters, and I have Alyssa. I’m not alone, like you guys were. You don’t have to worry about me.”

“Well, we do anyway, so you’re stuck with us,” Victoria states.

Just as Kate’s sure that she’s about to cry for a bunch of reasons she can’t tell them, Chloe shifts in her seat and gives her a full-on hug.

Kate gives up and just accepts it. They’re not gonna take back this little symbolic gesture of theirs, and truly, she wants to be a part of their family. Maybe she does still want more than that, maybe her stomach is buzzing and her nerves are tingling at this contact, this closeness, but...but that’s okay. It feels good, somehow.

As they pull apart, Kate spots the time display on the Blu-Ray player. She knew her flight was late and the drive was long, but she didn’t realize that the movie and the conversation had stretched beyond midnight. And she doesn’t want to leave.

“Do you...do you mind if I stay here tonight?”

“And save me from driving you home? No problem. Our couch is your couch.”

As the couple gets up and gets ready for bed, Kate grabs her pajamas from her luggage and heads to the bathroom. As she undoes her bun, she can hear them talking in low voices outside, little laughs in the darkness of their bedroom. Her chest aches, but at the same time, she knows she’d rather be here with them in the house than alone in her little apartment. Hearing them together is bittersweet, and she’s trying to focus on the ‘sweet’ part, right now.

Chloe provides her a spare blanket and pillow, and Kate does try, to just sleep on the couch and not think of the two warm bodies somewhere else in the house, to appreciate their company without wanting them physically. She knows she’d rather be in that bed with them, but this is as close as she’ll get, so she tries to like it enough to actually fall asleep.

But she’s thinking too much, as usual, about what ‘family’ means and what love means. She gets up sometime around three, drains a glass of cold water, and heads out to the back. Maybe a few minutes in the open air will help.

She sits on the edge of the porch so she can see the stars and remind herself of how little this crush of hers actually matters. Or is it two crushes? Or is it a crush on the combined entity, a crush on Chloe and Victoria’s marriage rather than the two people in it?

She smiles at herself. She likes it when her thoughts go in silly directions instead of dark ones, and apparently 3 A.M. is when that happens. There’s not many stars out. It’s hard to see them in this city. Not as hard as in Portland, but not as easy as in Arcadia Bay.

Just as she’s considering going back inside and trying to sleep again, she hears the glass door slide open behind her. In the thin light of the moon, she can just barely see that it’s Victoria, bare-faced, tousled hair, a cigarette between her fingers.

“I was wondering where you were,” she says quietly, crossing the porch and sitting down beside Kate, dangling her bare feet in the cool grass. “Glad you didn’t run off in the middle of the night.”

“Was that a concern?” Kate asks.

“Not until I saw an empty couch. ‘Sfine now, though.”

“And what are you doing up?”

Victoria indicates the cigarette. “Thinking too much.”

Kate laughs. “I know how that goes.”

The two of them stay quiet for a moment as Victoria lights her cigarette and takes in a long drag. “Thinking too much about you,” she says suddenly, and Kate tenses.

“What—what do you mean?”

Victoria sighs. “Look, I’m gonna tell you something that I haven’t even told Chloe, for a long time, and for a good reason, but ever since you showed back up...it’s kinda been in my head.”

Kate braces herself.

“Back in college, sophomore year of undergrad, I...I went to visit Nathan in jail.”

Kate’s eyes widen, and she’s staring at Victoria’s unguarded face, and she’s seeing a storm.

“I don’t even remember what excuse I made to Chloe. She believed it, because she thinks I’m always totally honest with her, and I usually am, but...but she couldn’t know about it. She’d tell me it’s a bad stupid fucked-up idea, and she would be right. But he called me, and he just...he sounded like he needed someone to talk to. Anyone. And when I got there, he told me that he and Jefferson, they...they had these folders. With girls’ names on them. Rachel. Kate. Max. Victoria.”

Kate goes cold. Her toes curl up as Victoria stares down into the grass.

“It’s not my fault. I know it’s not my fault that Rachel and Max died. I know it’s not my fault that you were drugged, but I took the fucking video, I...I sure as shit didn’t _help_ anyone, not until it was too late. And when I look at you, at where you are now, I’m so...I don’t know if I’m afraid for you or proud of you or what. Because Chloe’s right, it always comes back. I think about that empty folder a lot.”

Victoria takes a drag off of her cigarette while Kate’s mind spins. It’s still eating at Victoria. Even though she apologized, even though Kate knows she’s a totally different person now, even though Kate has forgiven her so thoroughly for a stupid thing Victoria did in high school. But Kate knows why, or at least, she knows how. She hasn’t forgotten it, either. It sent her whole life in a different direction, she’s sure; how could it not? And it’s part of every conversation she holds in her office, at the back of her train of thought, that dark room under a barn in the woods. The knowledge of how evil the world can be. The memories of crying herself to sleep in her room, certain that she was the one responsible for it all.

Kate lightly touches Victoria’s shoulder. She thinks she knows what to say.

“Well, Chloe also said that it only gets worse if we’re alone when it does, right?” she asks, trying to catch Victoria’s eyes. “And you’re not alone now. Neither am I. I forgave you a long time ago, and I know that you’re here for me, if I need you. You proved that on Thanksgiving.”

“I didn’t—”

“You did. You were wonderful. You and Chloe, you were exactly what I needed, right then. I’ll never forget that.” Kate squeezes Victoria’s shoulder. “You’re a pretty incredible woman, Victoria. I’m lucky to know you.”

Victoria laughs. “Kate, you’re sweet, but I always feel like I’m one step away from everything going to shit, still.”

“Well, no one ever said that our feelings make any sense,” Kate replies. “I’m glad you can talk to me about them anyway.”

Victoria takes in a long breath of smoke. Kate wants to move closer and hold her properly, to show her how much she matters, how good she is. How much Kate loves her right now.

But then something in Victoria shifts, and she shrugs Kate’s hand off of her shoulder. “Feelings. Right. That’s the other thing, as long as we’re being honest,” Victoria says.

Kate swallows. She knows. She knows, and she’s going to—

“Are you...I’m not accusing you, this time, but I just want to know. Do you sort of...have a crush on my wife? Or something? Just, she talks sometimes about the way you look at her, talk about her, and she thinks it’s funny, but I just...I wanna know if it’s true.”

Honesty, Kate. Remember what Chloe said and let it all hang out. Be free of this. Don’t bury it. She takes a deep breath. “I, um,” she says, her words shaking. “I kind of like both of you. A lot.”

Victoria turns to look her in the eye, squinting. “Are you saying...”

“Ever since—I don’t know, the more time we spend together, the worse it gets. I was interested at _Blackwell,_ I think, even. Like...you two sort of...your room was next to mine.” Kate’s cheeks are burning but so far this isn’t going as badly as Thanksgiving because at least Victoria believes her. “Both of you, you’re so beautiful, and you’re caring, and you have this, this relationship, and I’m not sure if I’m jealous of that or if I'm just greedy or _what’s_ going on, but...”

“Shit, Kate.” Victoria looks...strange. She’s got a contemplative expression on, but there’s something else in her eyes.

“Yeah. I’m sorry, this is so awkward, it’s so _ridiculous_ for me to—”

“You just said feelings don’t usually make sense.”

“But these _really_ don’t, and I don’t want them, I want to just be able to be your friend, but—”

“Kate. I get it.”

“Huh?”

Victoria looks down at the remains of her cigarette and tosses it. “So, I’ve, um. Kind of been crushing on you too, a little bit? Like, that night after the show, when we talked about Chloe and stuff, and you cuddled up to me, I just...I really liked that. I wanted it. And that’s fucked-up, I have a _wife_ for God’s sake, and I love her to fucking death and I would never in a million years hurt her, so...like, I get it. Feelings. Bullshit.”

Kate is just gawking. The idea that her feelings could really be returned never crossed her mind. That Victoria would ever be interested in her like that. But... ”We can’t,” Kate states quickly, scooting away to increase the distance.

“Obviously we can’t, Jesus. I really want to just be able to be your friend, you know? Haven’t had a good one of those close by in a while.”

“Yeah. We should...we _can_ just be friends.”

“But, I think...should we tell Chloe?”

“Tell me what?”

Both of them jump and swivel their heads to spot Chloe coming out of the door, legs bare beneath her boxers and a very thin tank top. A little too thin. Kate looks away.

“Kate.” Victoria’s looking at her again.

“Come on, what the hell is going on out here? Honesty hour?” Chloe asks, taking a step forward. “I get up to take a piss and find both of you out here. And it smells like cigs, Vic.”

Kate glances briefly at Victoria, then nods. Honesty hour. Right. That means with everyone. But if Victoria’s willing to be the one to actually say the words, that’s good, too.

“So, Kate’s...got a thing for both of us.”

Kate’s staring into the grass of the lawn really, really hard.

“...huh.”

And then Chloe sits down beside her, on the opposite side from Victoria. “You know, I kinda had a feeling. I mean, I knew you were into _me_ , you’re staring at my tits like half the time we’re practicing—”

“I’m not—I don’t—”

“Yeah, you do. It’s fine, Kate, you’re a grown woman and tits are great.”

Kate’s dead certain that her face is the reddest thing in the universe right now.

“But when I found you two, like, draped over each other the night after the show, I sort of wondered. I knew Vic wouldn’t do anything. And I thought about...I mean, we’ve had a threesome before.”

Nope, somehow, Kate’s face gets even hotter.

“Oh, yeah, that time with Taylor, when she came down,” Victoria says, and now Kate’s thinking of what _that_ must’ve been like and stop it, not right now, do not.

“I’m not—I don’t want just sex,” Kate manages, covering her face.

“Yeah, that’s why I never offered, even as, like, a joke. I know you’re not that kinda girl.” Chloe’s quiet for a minute as Kate puts her hand down and wrings them in her lap. “But, um. So, Vic. You think...?”

“What?” Victoria says.

“I dunno. She’s pretty, she’s nice, she’s super talented. We could sorta... mix her in.”

“Chloe—we’re—I mean, we’re married! That’s totally—we’re not supposed to—”

Chloe laughs. “Vic, when has our relationship ever been fuckin’ normal? You proposed to me after you tore half of Boulder apart looking for my blackout-drunk ass. We got married in a courthouse. Fuck what we’re supposed to do. We do what we want and we always fucking have.”

Despite everything, Kate hears Victoria let out a little chuckle. “True.”

No way.

“So do you think—I mean, nothing happens if you say no. Lemme be clear on that. This isn’t something I’m fuckin’ jonesing for, I’m just kinda curious to see where it’d go, and I know how much it hurts when...” Chloe sighs. “When the people you love betray you. So. Only if it’s cool with you, but...”

“Kate?” Victoria asks.

No _way._

“W-what are you saying?” Kate asks.

“I’m not really sure? I don’t know how this kinda thing works all that well,” Chloe admits. “Not something I’d thought I’d ever want to do. But, you know...we could give it a shot. Start slow. Figure out if it’s working. See how we like it. Life’s for exploring, right?”

Kate’s absolutely going to cry.

“Kate?” Victoria asks again, and now her hand’s on Kate’s shoulder.

“You’re not—this isn’t a joke?” Kate squeaks. “You really want to—I can’t get in the way of—”

“Me and Vic are stuck together. Fuckin’ fact. Never gonna break up. All you can do is either add to it, or, like, not,” Chloe says. “Like I said. We start slow. Maybe even have an actual date instead of this insomniac anxiety three-AM conversation shit. And Vic — we don’t do anything new without all three of us there, kay? Like, any firsts, you know?”

“Of course. You have to be there with me.”

Kate chokes back a sob. They love each other so much. And they...they actually want to...as all three of them...

“Kate? Kate, you okay?” Chloe asks in alarm, shaking her by the shoulder.

Kate nods. A lot. Tears shake out of her eyes. Somehow this is happening, somehow everything she’s been worried about since she moved here, it’s all turning out okay, or even really, really, really good. Incredibly good. Unbelievably good.

“Well, then, come here.” And Chloe puts an arm around her and squeezes her close and kisses her on the cheek. Victoria comes closer too, wrapping her arm around Kate’s waist.

“Any of us gets jealous or whatever, we call it off right there, no hard feelings, still friends,” Chloe states as Victoria wipes Kate’s eyes for her. “But we’re three tough-ass chicks. We can pull this off.”

Kate’s smiling really, really hard, and she laughs when Victoria kisses her cheek.

“Oh, wait, Vic, hang on,” Chloe says, grinning. “Together — one, two, three,” and Kate feels both sets of lips on her cheeks and she’s giggling, like a schoolgirl, her chest is rising and the weight is off her shoulders and she’s free. “You are so fuckin’ cute!” Chloe exclaims, shaking her whole body with the arm around her shoulders and using her other hand to run through Kate’s hair. “‘Specially with your hair down like that, damn.”

“I know, right?” Victoria adds. “I was coming out here, all worried about her and shit, and I just went, _oh shit, she’s hot_ , ‘cuz I never thought you’d _ever_ say we could actually—”

“We are. We fuckin’ are.”

Kate’s able to look at Chloe, finally, and she’s got this wicked, determined grin on her face, and she looks over at Victoria next and she’s got a dreamy smile, and wow, _this is happening._

“All right, I’m pretty sure we just beat the emotional shit outta Kate,” Chloe says, rubbing Kate’s back. “Also it’s three AM, you fucking idiots. Can we go back inside where it’s not cold as shit?”

“That sounds nice,” Kate says quietly as Chloe gets up and stretches. Victoria helps pull her to her feet, and Kate just wants to kiss her as soon as they’re facing each other, but maybe it’s a little too soon to go straight for her lips. But she’s so beautiful, even without her makeup and her hair perfectly in place. Maybe she’s even prettier, this way.

The moment’s broken when Chloe says, “Come onnnn you guys got like so much more clothes than me let’s go,” and Victoria and Kate both laugh and head for the door. As they step inside, however, Kate sees the empty couch and wonders.

“Should I, um...” she asks.

“Should you what?” Chloe replies.

“Still sleep on the—”

“Fuck no, come on, there’s enough room for you.” Chloe grabs her around the waist and leads her to the bedroom.

It takes a little while to get the three of them in a comfortable position, but it _is_ comfortable, so comfortable, when Kate’s nestled between their bodies. She lies on her back with their arms crossing over her stomach, Victoria’s head on her chest, Chloe’s on her shoulder.

“I’m taking that spot next time,” Chloe murmurs, running small circles with her hand as her voice vibrates against Kate’s neck.

At the thought of _next time,_ Kate smiles. She feels their warmth, remembers their supportive words, the way they always come out to bat for Kate when it counts. This whole week, from the show to her father’s kind words to... whatever this is, it all feels like God’s love. Like He’s telling her something, or simply making his presence known. She doesn’t know if Chloe or Victoria would agree, but that doesn’t matter. God will help them regardless.

She’s seeing a possible future, like it’s playing out on some television embedded in the ceiling. Creative energy going into the band. Love and family in a strange place with strange people in a strange arrangement. Chloe’s right, nothing’s _normal_ about this. But Kate’s starting to get the feeling that normal is overrated, and people who want things to be normal too much aren’t very happy. Love and charity matter more than rigid definitions; isn’t that why the Messiah came down and died for her? So follow his example. An outcast and a heretic to some, but to those who flocked to him, a source of love so potent it broke through death itself.

Maybe that’s a bit egotistical. She’s no angel. Just someone who wants to help, and someone who wants to love and be loved in whatever form that takes.

But the meek shall inherit.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, for all the lovely comments so far.
> 
> Chapter titles up to this point taken from ["Giant Leap,"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wEQjjIWuhZ0) by Goldfish. Please listen to Goldfish.


	9. Friendly Fields and Open Roads

Kate wakes up with a cat on her chest and a woman on either side of her. She blinks away sleep and tells herself, _that all happened,_ but it’s kind of hard to believe. Even with with Chloe and Victoria’s hands laying on top of each other on her stomach, even as Chloe stirs and moves her hand up to stroke the cat, her sleepy smile against Kate’s shoulder.

“Kitty,” she says eloquently, scratching Chester behind the ears.

Victoria groans on the other side of Kate, wriggling her head further from the cat as it starts to knead Kate’s pajamas. “She is so into that fuckin’ animal.”

Kate giggles, wrapping an arm around Victoria and rubbing her back. There is absolutely no reason to get up right now.

“Who wants bacon pancakes?” Chloe asks.

“You,” Victoria guesses.

“Right on. And I’ve got the power to make ‘em happen. You two just gonna lie here?”

“I can help,” Kate offers.

“So now I have a girlfriend who’s competent in the kitchen, too? Will wonders never cease?”

“I can bake!” Victoria retorts, disentangling herself from Kate and sitting up in a huff.

“This she claims, but I have seen little evidence,” Chloe replies, sticking out her tongue.

“You’re just saying that because you want me to make cookies for you again.”

“It’s been like three months! Chloe needs her sugar fix!”

Kate just smiles and pets her cat, unsure of which one of them she most wants to just hug and drag back down into bed with her, but now they’re both getting up.

“I’m calling first shower,” Victoria states.

“Then me and Kate get fresh food. She takes, like, forty-five minutes in there, I’m not waiting that long,” Chloe says with a nod toward Kate. As the two of them get up, Chloe slipping on a pair of sweatpants as Victoria heads to the master bathroom, Kate takes a minute to enjoy the morning and observe their room.

It’s less messy than she would expect from Chloe, but then, she supposes, Victoria wouldn’t allow any laundry to accumulate nor let anything on the floor ever get in her way. Chloe’s left her mark on the room all the same, in the punk posters on the walls, the sketches she’s got lying all over the desk in the corner beside the laptop, the sheet music in a messy folder on top of them. The window above the desk has been covered with a bright tie-dye flag, lending the morning light a rainbow of hues as it streams in. As Chester gets up and stretches, Kate follows suit, Chloe watching her with a sort of half-smile on her face.

“What?” Kate asks.

“Mm. Nothin’. Just thinking.” Chloe turns and heads out to the kitchen, the cat following at her heels. Kate sees why when the two of them start cooking; before the bacon actually gets put in the pancakes, a significant portion of it goes towards spoiling Chester.

“He’s never gonna want to leave, if you keep doing that,” Kate teases as she dollops the completed pancake batter onto the skillet.

“My devious plan is working,” Chloe replies, leaning against the counter and smiling down at the little furry creature. But as she crouches to scratch him under the chin, her face starts to darken.

Kate busies herself with the pancakes, but she knows that look. Like when Chloe was driving her back, the night after the show. She’s waiting for Chloe to be ready to talk, though.

“So, um, still okay with...this?” Chloe asks after the first plate of pancakes is ready.

“With what?”

“This, like, thing we’re doing. That I sorta threw us all into.”

“Chloe—”

“It’s just, I know this is your first real relationship, I dunno if you really want to shack yourself up to Victoria and this fuckup right here, like, really you should be—”

“Chloe.” Kate turns from her work and looks at her. Chloe’s leaning against the kitchen table, staring down at the cat weaving between her legs who’s meowing occasionally to ask for food. “This is probably one of the best mornings of my life,” Kate tells her.

Chloe doesn’t manage to meet her eyes. “But—”

“I’ve never been happier. Trust me, all right? If I decide I don’t like this, I’ll say. But like you said, life’s for exploring. I want to explore this. What’s bringing this on?”

“I dunno,” Chloe sighs. “Probably fuckin’ depression, again. Like, see, this is what I’m talking about, I just don’t know if you really know what you’re getting into, I’m, like, seriously brainsick, I pretend to be all confident and shit but—”

Kate pushes herself off the stove and crosses the distance between them, reaching a hand up to Chloe’s cheek. “Chloe, it’s okay. Really. We’re all kind of messed-up, not just us, _everyone._ I can handle it. I do it every day at work. I’m not scared.”

Chloe sighs and flips some of her hair off of her face. “Sorry,” she mumbles. Then, “Pancake’s burning.”

Kate quickly rescues the breakfast while Chloe thinks. While they both think. Kate’s seen this side of Chloe before, and Victoria must see it all the time. It would seem strange, contrasting with the high-energy, risk-taking Chloe she’d seen last night, if she hadn’t studied this sort of thing for eight years. If she hadn’t lived it, for a while. So Chloe’s got high points and low points. That’s just fine. So does Victoria, so does Kate. And if Chloe can’t always be confident in herself, Kate can be confident for her.

As soon as the batter’s used up, Kate crosses back to Chloe and looks up into her eyes. “I still want this, if you wanted a straight answer,” she says, cupping her chin. “And like you said last night, if it doesn’t work out, we call it off. No hard feelings. Nothing’s permanent and set in stone here. That’s why it’s _fun._ ”

Chloe lets out a chuckle. “Got me there. I need to stop giving you ammo against my brain.” She puts a hand around the back of Kate’s neck and kisses her forehead. “All right, that’s enough of that bullshit this morning. I want my pancakes.”

Kate smiles, leans up, and kisses Chloe’s cheek just as Victoria enters the room.

“Woah, hey, she’s early,” Chloe says as Kate turns to look at her. She’s in this long silky pink bathrobe, which looks really good against her skin, and Kate tries not to think about the fact that she’s naked under it. Then she remembers that she’s allowed to do that, and enjoys it, a little bit. She tries not to get distracted, at least.

“I only take forty-five minutes when _you_ interrupt me,” Victoria informs her, stretching out. “And when I’m putting my makeup on. I’m not missing breakfast.”

“Foiling my plans, as always.”

As the three of them sit down to eat, Victoria asks, “So, um, Kate, I know you said your dad was okay with you being gay, but...”

Kate looks up from her plate and considers. “...how’s he going to take me having two girlfriends who are married to each other, you mean?”

“Yeah.” Chloe and Victoria share a look.

“We’ll find out, I guess.”

Chloe smirks. “Dude, we picked a winner. High five.”

Kate giggles as Victoria rolls her eyes and high-fives her wife. “Seriously, I just tried to talk her out of it too,” Chloe adds.

“What? Chloe, _I’m_ supposed to the be the who immediately gets anxious about her decisions!” Victoria objects. “You’re stealing my job!”

Chloe laughs, but then Victoria’s face draws a little tense. She puts her hand on Chloe’s shoulder. “You’ve been taking your meds, right?”

“Yes, mom,” Chloe says through a mouthful. “Come on, you know I don’t miss ‘em anymore.”

“This morning?”

“They don’t magically stop working if I don’t take ‘em immediately after I get up. Besides, you were in the bathroom. I’ll take ‘em after breakfast, don’t worry so much. I know that’s literally impossible for you, but trust me.”

“I...I didn’t know you were on antidepressants, Chloe,” Kate admits.

“Like I said, you don’t know what you’re getting into. But it’s fine, we’ve got lots of time to regret this decision,” Chloe says through an odd sort of grin. Joking, but not really joking.

“I don’t think I will,” Kate says, and Chloe’s smile turns genuine. Kate likes that.

“Well, if we’re all still sure this morning, what do we _do_ about it?” Chloe asks, sawing off a section of pancake. “Like...”

“You said a date, right? Dinner?” Kate says. “Have a little time apart to think about what we want, then meet up and talk about it. Set some rules down, right?”

“Yeah. Yeah, all right, I can do that. Vic?”

Victoria nods, her mouth full. After a swallow, she says, “I’m picking the restaurant, though. No pizza.”

Chloe makes a little whining noise, but after a look from Victoria she concedes the point. “All right. You probably need a shower and stuff, anyway.”

“And Chester needs to come back home,” Kate says with a small smile.

“No he doesn’t.”

“Chloe,” Kate warns.

“I hope you realize this whole three-way relationship thing is just a plot to steal the cat.”

“I’ll try to enjoy the trap, then.”

Their plates clear, Victoria stands up, stretches, and heads back to the bathroom to finish her morning routine (after giving Chloe a bottle of pills.) Kate just slips on her shoes and waits for Chloe to get her boots on, not willing to bother getting dressed for a five-minute walk through her apartment complex. Chloe has her throw her stuff in the back of the truck, keeping the cat in his carrier on her lap as they start driving.

“So, um,” Chloe begins, “I know I just kinda dumped some stuff on you back there, but, like, I _really_ want this to work out. Don’t let anything I say make you think different. This is hella exciting.”

“I do too!” Kate replies. “I’m...I know this is kind of crazy, but it could be so wonderful.”

“It’s gonna be.”

“And there’s the Chloe I know,” Kate says, smiling. “We’re three badass chicks, right?”

“Kate Marsh, I didn’t know you could swear! I’m offended, this is over,” Chloe teases, poking her in the shoulder.

Kate laughs, and after a moment of silence, Chloe’s got that look on her face again. “It’s just...you know, I’m worried. I don’t want to hurt anyone again, and I hurt Vic _bad_ when we first met. I mean, you heard the song. I never wanna make someone cry like that again. And...Shit, why not, you and Vic have obviously been talking about confidential shit.”

Kate looks over at her with concern. “Chloe...”

“I never told Vic this, because I knew it’d send her right back to Blackwell, but...Nathan tried to get me, too.”

Kate gasps.

“He—we met at a club when I was trying to find money to pay back Frank. I borrowed it to get me and Rachel outta that town. He put something in my drink, next thing I know I’m in his dormroom and he’s leering over me with a camera. I got outta there, but...” She sighs. “Like I said. It comes back. I don’t want what we have to feel _anything_ like that, ever, and I know you weren’t as lucky as me. So if I’m kinda weird and wishy-washy on this shit sometimes...”

“It’s just because you care. I know.” Kate’s not sure what she’s feeling. Her chest feels tight. She takes in a deep breath. “That semester at Blackwell really messed with all of us, huh?”

“I hate it. How much those assholes fucked up our lives,” Chloe spits. “I could’ve killed Vic, because of what they did. I almost did. I almost killed myself. I’m glad you made it out without having to go through that.”

“It’s still in there, though. It’s why I have this job.”

“Kinda figured. Glad you’re doing something good with it. Me and Vic...I think we’re just trying to ignore it.”

“Not everyone has to throw themselves into charity work,” Kate says. “It’s enough that you’re alive.”

Chloe sniffs. “You know you’re way too good for us, right?”

“I am _not,”_ Kate insists.

“You’re like this perfect pure little angel, and we’re—”

“A talented musician and a gifted photographer?”

Chloe chuckles. “Let me try on those rose-colored glasses sometime.”

The conversation stops for a minute as Chloe parks, and the two of them have to navigate getting the cat, the litterbox, and Kate’s luggage up, all in one trip. As Chloe lingers in the doorway, Kate takes a moment to just look at her and think about everything that’s happened over the past week. She wants to kiss her, seal this deal, but...but Chloe said all their firsts should be together. So she holds off, and just gives Chloe a very tight hug.

Chloe rubs her back, and when they pull apart, Kate can see that genuine Chloe smile she likes so much. “See you tonight,” Chloe promises.

“Of course.”

Kate runs a hand through her hair as Chloe leaves and shuts the door behind her. She’s fuzzy. Light. Free.

She tries to think about other things. She showers, she checks her e-mail, she settles the cat back in, she streams something and barely pays attention to it. She makes lunch. And now she can’t think of anything to do but lie back in her office chair and remember how safe she felt in their arms. How ridiculous this all is, and how good. She needs to tell someone.

She sends Alyssa a quick message: _Hey. I have good news this time._

The response is _So do I_ and a ringtone.

“Kate!” Alyssa says as soon as the link opens. “What’s goin’ on with you?”

“Alyssa I’m dating both of them,” Kate says in one breath.

“Both of—oh my fucking god. You mean—”

“Chloe and Victoria.”

“Oh my fucking god,” Alyssa repeats, putting a hand to her forehead. “ _Kate._ ”

“Yeah.” Kate’s cheeks hurt again, but it feels so good to tell someone, so good to be open about it.

“So, you mean, like...”

“It’s not, like, I’m helping them cheat on each other,” Kate says, putting her hands out. “It’s—

“It’s poly, right, got it. Just...Jesus, Kate, I never thought you were the type. And I never thought they’d make the offer or anything, just. Damn, girl. I’m super fucking proud of you right now. Tell me everything.”

Kate gushes, about coming out, about talking to them over the phone, being picked up at the airport, cuddling during the movie, talking under the stars, everything, everything. She’s shaking with excitement, it’s all so _good,_ it could be so much fun, it will be, if she has anything to say about it. She doesn’t tell Alyssa about the doubts that Chloe had this morning, because they’re canceled out by hope. She does tell her about the date, though, and that gets Alyssa to her good news, at last.

“So, pretty sure you figured out that I slept with Molly when I was down there,” Alyssa says. “But, like, I like her a lot. Way more than most people, which is weird. So, um, we’re kind of long-distancing? No commitments yet, but...she’s super cool. How do you stumble into the best people?”

Kate laughs. “The meek shall inherit?”

“Not terribly meek to say that about yourself, is it?” Alyssa teases. “But, man, Kate.” She lets an actual smile cross her face. “I’m so glad I kept up with you. Also, Stella is going to flip her shit when I tell her what you’re up to...”

 

* * *

 

The date ends up being at a Thai place, and once they’ve settled in and ordered, Chloe leans across the table and says, “So. Rules.”

“Rules?” Kate replies.

“Me and Vic have been talking today, laying some stuff out. Lemme know if any of this seems fucked-up to you, we can figure it out, kay?”

“Oh. Um, sure,” Kate says. She’s forgotten how forceful Chloe can be sometimes.

“All right. So, number one thing, we—” Chloe points her finger between herself and Victoria “—are still married. That means anything you tell one of us, the other one’s gonna learn sometime. You don’t get to play favorites.”

Kate nods. Honesty, after all.

“And that also means...like, if we tell you something, and the other doesn’t know about it, you can still tell her,” Chloe says, rubbing her neck. “If you want. No requirements or anything. But this has gotta be open and real or it’s all gonna fall apart in like three weeks and I’m not down with that.”

Kate thinks of the secrets she’s been told. She’ll only use them for good, so that’s a quick “Okay,” before Chloe starts up again.

“Also, like, I like the way we’re spending time together, like, me and you do band stuff, you and her do lunches, that kind of thing, but we’ve gotta get plenty of time in with all three of us. So, like, movie nights, adventures in the mountains, that sorta thing. Anyone starts feeling left out, we make plans for something we can all do, no questions asked. ‘Salso why...shit, sorry to be super blunt, but you’re a virgin, right, Kate?”

Kate’s cheeks go red. She bites her lip and nods, looking away from Chloe’s searching blue eyes. “N-never—”

“No, it’s cool, I’m not judging or whatever, it’s just...none of that unless all of us are together for that first time."

"O-oh," Kate says, "but I don't—you don't need to put your sex life on hold for me or anything—"

"Pfft! As if! Kate, we fucked, like, three hours ago." Kate's ears burn at the thought, at the blunt way Chloe speaks. "I mean with you, anything with you. It’s gotta go right, if it happens. No pressure, of course, Kate, if you never wanna.”

Kate nods hard, trying to imagine how it will go ( _and it will,_ she promises herself; she’s done denying her own desires) and making herself blush even more. That’s definitely fine.

Victoria speaks up next. “We also wanted to know...do you want us to tell anyone? Be public about it? I know we’re not exactly subtle about the fact that we’re together, but I don’t know how much you want to be a part of that.”

“Uh...” Kate thinks. She _really_ likes how affectionate they are with each other, but she’s not sure she could handle that level of PDA personally. “You can, um, tell people we trust,” she says slowly. “And for the physical stuff...just, ask me first, okay? I’m—this is the first time I’ve been in any real relationship. I wanna start slow.”

Victoria nods. “Got it. Anything else, Chloe?”

“Drugs.”

“Right, drugs.”

Kate feels a little hesitant.

Chloe drums her fingers on the table. “So, uh, Kate, Vic and I are still kinda psychonauts? A little? Like, weed and molly and sometimes acid, when we’re feeling...I dunno, when we wanna. Molly has crazy hookups. You don’t ever have to be involved in that stuff, if you don’t want to. Don’t ever feel pressured.”

“Oh,” Kate says. But...”Life is for exploring?” she offers. “I’m not—as long as neither of you are in danger, it’s fine. I don’t think I’ll...partake, though.”

“Yeah! Yeah, no problem, we’re always super safe these days. Maybe not so much in college and _definitely_ not at Blackwell, but we hold our shit together. And we’ll, like, warn you if we’re doing it. Again. Shit’s gotta be out in the open,” Chloe says.

“I think I can deal with that,” Kate says cautiously.

“If it ever makes you uncomfortable, say so. And we can always call this whole thing off if you decide we’re too much, or if things start getting more dramatic and less fun,” Victoria adds. “We can still be friends.”

“I’m not losing my fucking violinist,” Chloe declares. “No matter what. So, that all sound good to you, Kate?”

“Yeah.” To be honest, Kate would’ve accepted any rules they cared to give, but all of these sound like good precautions and she wants this to work so badly that she’s happy to take them. “That’s all...that’s fine. It’s perfect.”

“Also you have to give me the cat every other weekend.”

“Chloe!” Victoria and Kate both exclaim.

Chloe laughs it off. “All right, enough of the heavy talk. So, I get the sneaking feeling you know why Molly was suddenly able to smile at Thanksgiving...”

And from there, everything gets lighter. As they work their way through their meal, Kate learns that the band is already scheduled for another show at a former cyber cafe in Denver. Chloe wants Kate to have a song ready by then, so when Kate lets slip that she’s got ideas for a few, Chloe demands that the two of them get together some day and work out the non-violin parts and maybe write some lyrics. Victoria’s art is getting attention, too; she’s got a showing in a gallery less than an hour away from the city, and she wants Kate to be there when it opens, which she can certainly manage. She’s coy on the theme, though, which makes Kate just the tiniest bit suspicious.

Kate doesn’t want to leave, even when the check’s on the table and Victoria’s yawning. “So, um...do you want me to stay at your place tonight?” she asks hopefully.

Chloe chuckles. “I keep tellin’ ya, Vic, she’s so thirsty, you have no idea—”

“Stop teasing her,” Victoria says. “And...well, Kate, I would, but you know school’s back tomorrow morning and I’ve got so much shit to catch up on tonight. I’ve been letting things slide because of...everything.”

Kate looks down. “Oh.”

“Soon,” Victoria promises, putting a hand on her shoulder. “We’ll schedule something for the weekend.”

“I get middle,” Chloe claims as she stands up.

“Well, if Kate’s riding with us, that’s literally impossible,” Victoria reminds her. “You want a ride, Kate?”

“Of course.”

Chloe drove here, in her truck, which means that Kate gets to sit between them and enjoy their proximity for just a little while longer, settling into Victoria’s side as one of Chloe’s softer CDs rolls over her.

When she gets out, the two of them follow her to the door.

“So, Kate, ready to do this thing? For real?” Chloe asks, taking hold of one of her hands.

“I am.”

Victoria takes hold of her other hand, and Kate knows that now’s when you’re supposed to kiss your date. Dates. And she wants to, quite a lot, and she’s shaking a little bit when she decides that Victoria’s going first. Just a light peck, like the ones she’d given to innumerable men in college, trying to feel something, only this time she actually does. Her lips tingle as she moves away and kisses Chloe as well, and she stands there squeezing their hands and smiling for a moment, before they both pull away and link their own hands.

“Goodnight, Kate,” Victoria says warmly.

“See you soon,” Chloe promises as they turn and head back to the car.

Kate tastes and feels the tiniest hints of their lipgloss for hours.


	10. Laid Down Your Heavy Load

Kate likes it when they ask.

When Victoria asks to hold her hand on the way to their lunch on Monday. When she asks to kiss her on the cheek as they part. When she asks if it’s all right for them to cuddle on the bench in the quad.

Victoria’s little affections are easy to keep under control, surprisingly. They always come with this sort of guarded promise, this assurance of delayed gratification. They leave her anticipating more all day.

When Chloe asks if it’s cool that she wrote lyrics for Kate’s song. It’s called Dark Room, she says, and it is cool, for Kate. She’s not sure she’s much of a lyricist; nothing’s come out, even though all her feelings when she plays that song are tied up with duct tape, blurry and gross. Chloe says she understands, and then she asks to kiss her, and then Kate kisses her again. Kate reigns herself in, looks over the lyrics more carefully, makes careful adjustments under Chloe’s guidance. She learns a few tricks when Chloe starts talking about how the words scan, drawing lines and dots over the syllables to show her the technicalities of poetry. In the end, it’s a collaboration more than just ‘Kate’s song,’ but that’s how things are going as the band gets closer, anyway.

Chloe’s...Chloe’s harder. She’s raw passion, open-mouthed, unprotected, and Kate always wants _more_ when she’s with her. But that wouldn’t be fair to Victoria, and it’s a little scary, how hot even the tiniest things Chloe does make her.

When Chloe asks, “Can I get in on this?” after Kate kisses Victoria during the second weekend sleepover thing. She pauses the movie after Kate mumbles an “mhmm” into Victoria’s mouth, and then Chloe’s kissing her from behind, in places that Kate had no idea felt that nice when kissed. Her spine, her shoulder, a spot that Chloe has to pull back her collar to get to. “Let me know when to stop,” Chloe says, and then she sucks. Hard. And, _oh._ Kate whimpers, and Chloe and Victoria immediately detach, asking if she’s okay. She is, just...she feels lightheaded, and the three of them settle back down, Kate idly rubbing the spot Chloe marked. She’s seen hints of these sorts of love bites on Victoria’s skin, and it feels so intimate and right to share that with her.

They never ask too much. Kate doesn’t have to say _no._ They seem to just get it, they’re paying such close attention. But she still likes it when they ask.

When Chloe asks if she’s ready to practice “Dark Room” with the rest of the band.

Then she asks Kate with her eyes, once they’re all together and Jack and Molly are happily chatting away as they set up in the garage on Friday. If it’s okay to tell them. Of course it is, but before Kate can actually give her an answer, Molly’s head swivels towards the two of them. “So,” she says, a knowing smirk on her face. “Alyssa told me something really interesting.”

Kate immediately knows she’s blushing, especially when she catches sight of those laughing green eyes. Chloe starts to say something, but Molly interrupts her with, “Holy shit, it wasn’t a joke.”

“What wasn’t?” Jack asks, slinging his guitar over his waist and turning towards the women.

“Chloe and Vic made a Kate sandwich.”

Chloe laughs. “Jesus, Mol, you don’t have to say it like _that._ ”

Kate bites her lip. It’s not totally inaccurate, with the way she likes to be between them...

“Free love all over the place, huh?” Jack says, though there’s something strangely tense in his voice. “Can’t say I’m that surprised, after you called during Thanksgiving. Chloe, don’t fuck it up or we’ll lose what little momentum we’ve got.”

“Oh, trust me, we’re like the goddamned bomb-disposal team with her,” Chloe says, grabbing Kate around the shoulders protectively.

“We’re taking it slow,” Kate says quietly.

“Yeah, slow like this song,” Molly complains, looking over the sheet music. “I barely get to do anything.”

“Goes in the middle of the set, for a breather. Not a big finisher like Vermin,” Chloe says. “Artistic cooperation, Mol.”

“Yeah, yeah, we’ll see how it actually sounds. I might have to make some adjustments.”

“Who’s singin’ it?” Jack asks. “Can’t be Kate, she’s playing for the whole thing.”

“It’ll be me. It’s about some shit we both dealt with, we wrote it together. More Arcadia Bay crap, sorry,” Chloe says as she gets her bass plugged in and ready to go.

“Hey, me and Jack are still writing about high school,” Molly says with a shrug. “Just more abstractly, that’s all.”

“Says you. I say everything I write is a metaphor for everything else. People will study my lyrics for years,” Jack proclaims.

“Ah, yes, lines like _Fuck you, you’re not my real dad_ will mystify the scholars for ages to come,” Molly replies.

“That one’s a joke and you know it.”

“Focus, people,” Chloe says. “We ready? Mol, countdown.”

“All right, all right. One, two, three, four...”

“ _I_ _wasn’t supposed to be there_ ,” Chloe begins.

Molly’s right, it is a slow song, and there’s not even a chorus; with the full band here, it’s obvious how different this is from the rest of what they do, how persistent and dark its mood is, without any of the bombast of Vermin’s chorus and final solo. But it does build, and build, as Chloe’s voice and Kate’s violin weave in and out of focus, Chloe’s words like little pieces of truth tumbling from her mouth into the soundscape. Perhaps it’s more poetry than narrative, really, because there is no real conclusion, no happy wrapup. Chloe sings of duct tape and monochrome photography, drugs and hazy memories and kicking lamps, red folders and crying fucked-up kids on the stand, “ _It’s not my fault, it was him, or him, or anyone but me._ ” Kate’s story and Chloe’s story fade into and out of each other.

Chloe finishes the song with “ _I wasn’t supposed to be there, but I’m here now,_ ” and with a few final notes from Jack’s guitar and an improvised percussive finish from Molly, it’s over.

“You guys write some dark shit,” Molly says after a minute. “And we gotta practice that one some more, I was off time like forty percent of it and that’s all me, my bad. Also Jack fucked up the key.”

“What?”

“Dude, you’re tuned to the wrong frickin’ note, was bothering me the whole time, here, look at the sheet...”

Kate’s looking down at her feet as Chloe walks up to her, breathing heavy, fighting to control the shakes in her fingers. Chloe puts a hand on her shoulder and steadies her. “Hey, Kate. You okay?”

Kate swallows and looks up into her eyes. “Yeah. I think—I’m doing all right. It’s just...”

“I get it, Kate. This shit’s hard to share. Writing Vermin with these guys kinda felt like strippin’ down for ‘em,” Chloe admits. “But they get it too, y’know? They’re not gonna be shitty about this to you. I know that now.”

“Okay,” Kate says, and it is okay. This isn’t Blackwell, that week of harassment and cruelty before the truth came out. She’s surrounded by such supportive people, she shouldn’t feel this strange fear at finally admitting what happened to her to people who weren’t around for the entire drama. But it’s still there.

“You’ll feel better after a while,” Chloe promises. “I do already, but I’m getting used to the whole catharsis-through-art shtick. Take your time. Y’wanna run through it again?”

“Yeah.” Kate takes a deep breath and sets her violin against her chin again. Molly makes little changes until she thinks she has enough to do, and Jack adjusts his own melody just a little bit. And with every repetition of the lyrics, Kate feels something lifting off of her shoulders. They practice until they get it right.

 

* * *

 

Kate knows she shouldn’t want this so badly.

She knows she should be okay with sleeping alone, this Saturday. They’ve only had two weekends where she went over to their house and hung out and stayed in their bed. She shouldn’t be used to it, expecting it, wanting it, so early. But when they told her that they were going to be relaxing before finals week, that they were taking the day for themselves (and some acid), it felt like a loss. They didn’t ask her to join them, of course they didn’t, Kate can’t see herself ever wanting to...take that chemical and...whatever they do.

But she’s _lonely._

The cat’s not enough. She wants their warmth, their questions, their casual conversation, their lips. There’s just not much else to do this Saturday besides miss them and want them. And...and, well, she should see this side of them, right? If this is going to keep going? She’s not going to ask them to stop. It’s their lives, their marriage, their prerogative. So...so she should know what they’re doing.

And be with them.

She sighs at herself, laying on her couch, pretending that whatever crap is on TV is worth paying attention to. She’s just as thirsty as Chloe keeps saying. Ever since...ever since this started up, she’s just found their physical presence addictive. She wants to kiss Victoria and have Chloe’s arms around her waist.

She gives up and calls Chloe’s number. It takes a while to go through, but then:

“Uh, hey, Kate,” Chloe says, panting. “Um, so—”

“Can I come over?”

“I mean, we’re super tripping—”

“I know.”

“Um.” Chloe swallows, and Kate hears a little whine somewhere in the background. “Give us, like, an hour? Kinda in the middle of something.”

A hot flash runs through Kate as she realizes what ‘something’ must be. “O-oh. Do you want to—I can call—”

“It’s cool, she’s loving it,” Chloe says with a laugh. “Yeah, come over. See you soon, Kate.”

As Chloe hangs up, Kate’s ears burn. She heads over to her laptop and checks the bus schedules, estimated walking times, because she knows she’s not getting a ride from either of them in that state. Okay. Thirty minutes to their place. That means sit around for a half-hour and don’t think about what they’re doing and how they’re feeling and what noises they’re—

No. Kate, you’re not ready for that. You wouldn’t even know what to ask for, and even kissing Chloe makes you nervous and hesitant. Relax. Have some tea. Pack your overnight bag. Don’t get so excited about going to see them, this is an established relationship, you shouldn’t be...

But she is. She’s grinning as she leaves the apartment. She’s so ready to see them, no matter what they’re on.

As she gets off the bus and starts walking through the neighborhood, she gets a text:

_bring comfy clothes_

_also chester_

She groans at Chloe’s chronic lateness, but it’s too late to do much now. She tells Chloe as much, and receives:

_fine well lend you some_

_gonna shower then well be rdy_

_vics hype_

When she arrives at the door and rings the bell, she’s greeted by a wet-haired Victoria, clad in a ratty white t-shirt and yoga pants, absolutely unrefined, and she’s beautiful. Kate’s wrapped in a big hug as Victoria groans out a happy, “ _Kaaaaaate_ ,” and Kate just giggles and holds her tight and, yeah. This could be a lot of fun.

“You’re hogging all the girlfriend,” Chloe accuses, walking up and taking the both of them in her arms. Both of them are downright _hot_ , even in the winter air, their bodies must be running a mile a minute, and Victoria’s practically vibrating. But their affection is so strong and genuine beneath the layer of psychedelics that Kate just laughs and loves it, loves every second of it, until they both draw away, Chloe running a hand through her hair. She’s wearing an old concert t-shirt and sweatpants, and she looks right at home.

“All right, let’s get you comfy,” Chloe declares, taking her hand and dragging her to the bathroom. “It’s chilltime.”

Kate looks down at her jacket, blouse, skirt, leggings. Chloe’s right, this isn’t ‘hang-around-the-house’ wear. And her pajamas in the overnight bag might be too thin for this cold day. But...”So-so what’s the plan?” Kate asks.

“Trippy-ass movie, good music, maybe order pizza,” Chloe informs her as Victoria settles into the couch and pulls a blanket over herself, waiting for them. “And lots of cuddling with our girlfriend.”

 _Our girlfriend._ Kate’s stomach still flutters at that phrase. Shared, lovingly. There are worse things to be.

Chloe pulls a pair of yoga pants — Victoria’s — and an old black shirt from her dresser, tossing them to Kate. “And we should get your hair down, too,” Chloe mutters as she steps behind Kate, shaking fingers tangling in her bun. She obviously doesn’t know what she’s doing — Kate suspects that neither she nor Victoria have managed long hair in years—  but Kate enjoys it anyway, the soft graze of Chloe’s fingertips on her scalp as she struggles to undo it. Kate eventually has to help out, feeling the locks spread across her shoulders, down her back. Chloe’s fingers trail down her spine and Kate shivers.

“I’m gonna—I’ll go change,” Kate says, picking up Chloe’s chosen clothes from the floor.

“What, I don’t get to watch?” Chloe teases, kissing her cheek while Kate sputters. “Seeya in the living room. I’ll save your favorite spot.”

Kate locks herself in the master bathroom, shaking as she undoes her buttons. Calm down. Definitely not that weird to kind of want Chloe to see her in her underwear. They’re girlfriends, it’s okay that she teases. They’re not gonna do anything to you that you don’t want.

She likes wearing their clothes, even if the pants go down past her ankles and the shirt hangs down low and loose on her frame. It _is_ comfy, actually, being draped in fabric like this, not cinched or tightened at any point, and when she heads out to the living room and settles between them on the long seat of the couch, getting under the blanket with them, she almost immediately sinks in.

“You look so cute,” Victoria murmurs, latching on instantly and burying her face in Kate’s shoulder, an arm slinging across her front.

“She’s like this on acid,” Chloe warns, putting her own arm around Kate’s shoulders. “You might consider a crowbar.”

Kate’s kind of in heaven so she just smiles and says “It’s okay,” and closes her eyes, enjoying Victoria’s tight hold, the warmth of Chloe’s skin against the back of her neck. Victoria kisses her collarbone and sighs as Chloe fumbles with the remote, trying to get the movie going.

“C’mon, Vic, look at the screen, at least,” Chloe says, leaning across Kate and ruffling Victoria’s wet hair. “Seriously, heard nothing but great things about this movie plus tripping. And Kate’ll probably like it too, I think it’s technically a kids movie.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Kate says.

“Well, I dunno, Vic said you used to wanna write kid’s books...” Chloe trails off, biting her lip. “We haven’t, uh, been taking away from that, right? With the band and everything?”

“I’m working on it sometimes, but...it’s a long process, getting something published,” Kate admits. “I like working with the band because _we_ decide when we’re done.”

“I know, right? It’s like...we’re in charge. For once, no bosses or anything, just us, making shit we like,” Chloe says as Victoria reluctantly turns over to see the TV. “Anyway. Pretty movie time.”

To be honest, it’s hard, at first, to pay attention to the movie. Mostly because Victoria’s hand moves off of her chest and settles on her thigh and draws little circles and designs there for a while, soft electric touches, so different from what she’s usually like, and it’s making Kate both nervous and excited and...and a little too warm, under the blanket. She squirms, and Victoria understands suddenly and draws back, shifting to the side and laying her head on Kate’s shoulder again to watch the movie. Calmly.

And now that that’s over, wow, this _is_ a strange movie. Everyone’s got thick Irish accents, and the animation is a little weird and a lot beautiful. It’s about selkies. Seal-women. And faeries, classic faeries, distant from humanity and filled with all sorts of strange tales and powers. Victoria and Chloe are utterly entranced, their nervous, sweaty bodies thrumming against Kate, tensing up at the scariest moments.

Kate only cries a little bit at the end. She’s an adult. Kids’ movies don’t do that to her.

Victoria’s face is totally wet, though. And Chloe’s sniffling, a little bit.

They are so _cute._

Kate leans over and kisses Victoria’s cheek and tells her so, and Victoria lets out a wet laugh. “Chloe, have you ever called me that?” she asks.

“It’s possible,” Chloe says, shifting in her seat a little bit to lean over and look at her.

“It is not. It’s always, ‘you’re so fuckin’ hot, Vic,’ and then you—”

Chloe’s laughter interrupts her next words, to Kate’s relief. “Whatever, fine, you’re hella cute on acid. So am I,” she declares, throwing her arms open wide.

“You’re both cute all the time,” Kate says, and the both of them break down in inexplicable laughter. “What?” Kate asks.

“Oh my god, seriously,” Chloe manages, “Listen to this chick.”

“I know!” Victoria giggles. “She’s fucking crazy!”

And then they’re back to laughing again, and Kate laughs with them because this is so silly and comfortable and good. Once that bout of the giggles dies down, the three of them start talking about the movie, Victoria leaning into Kate’s chest again and mumbling into her shirt when she’s not breaking out in hyena-like cackles. They laugh a _lot_ as they talk about what they expected to happen, what did happen, what it could mean, in, like, a metaphorical sense. Kate can barely keep up with their train of thought, sometimes, but she’s happy to be a part of it, happy to be here between them as they ride out this high together. So maybe it’s not something she plans to do, but if this is what they’re like when they do it....she can handle having two ‘psychonaut’ girlfriends.

The conversation breaks after a while, both Chloe and Victoria sighing happily and staring into the ceiling while Kate thinks about how her life got here. Then Victoria asks. The way Kate likes.

“Can I kiss you?”

Victoria shifts in her seat, kneeling and facing Kate. As Kate turns to face her, she feels Chloe moving behind her, too. Victoria’s eyes are a little unfocused, but there’s a genuine question in them as she nervously licks her lips. “I—I mean, I know I’m kind of fucked-up, but—”

“Yeah,” Kate breathes, her heart pounding in her chest as she feels Chloe’s legs pull up onto the couch. Kate does the same, stretching herself out, setting her body above Chloe’s and letting Victoria come down on top of her, lips tasting of salt and warmth and utter perfection as Chloe clasps her hands over Kate’s stomach, humming to herself.

After Victoria breaks off the kiss after what is either too long or not long enough, she happily sets her head down between Kate’s breasts and mumbles, “Best,” into her chest.

“Best what?” Kate asks, stroking Victoria’s hair back.

“Best trip of the year so far,” Victoria replies. “Best girlfriend. Best wife.”

“And now she’s stuck there forever,” Chloe says, chuckling. “So I guess we’re all gonna lay like this till somebody’s gotta piss.”

Kate wouldn’t mind that one bit.

Chloe reaches behind her back and manages to grab her phone from the endtable, holding it over Kate’s head as she connects it to the Smart TV and starts playing music through the speakers. Once she sets it back down, she kisses the top of Kate’s head.

“Chill playlist,” she explains. Kate closes her eyes and enjoys it along with them, if on a different level, perhaps.

Eventually she does have to go to the bathroom and disentangle herself from the couple, and by the time she comes back they’re laying on the floor and the playlist has been switched to something significantly more insane. She brings them water, because they’ve sweat a lot, and they gulp it down greedily before returning to staring at the ceiling, describing the patterns they see aloud for Kate’s benefit, until they get drawn into talking about how perception makes up reality, quoting half-remembered internet articles at each other and seeming very deep and thoughtful until they say something along the lines of, “Fuckin’ _brains,_ man,” and they break down into giggles again. Kate relaxes on the couch, missing their touch but not minding the little show. They seem happy down there, and she’d rather be here than anywhere else, at the moment. And sometimes she’s able to navigate the flow of their talks and bring in little nuggets of interest that send them on wild tangents. It’s interesting to see their minds work in real-time.

They send her to the door for the pizza because they’re still totally useless by the time it arrives, but when Kate brings it into the living room they hop into sitting positions and wolf it down rapidly. Kate can tell it’s beginning to fade. They’re not quite as giggly anymore, and their eyes wander from the ceiling and towards Kate. Once they’ve utterly annihilated their food, they both jump up on the couch and join her again.

“So, Kate, still wanna date us?” Chloe asks, flexing her fingers on Kate’s shoulder. “After seeing us all...”

Kate smiles. “Even more now, I think.”

“You really are crazy.” Chloe pauses for a moment, then pulls Kate closer, to Victoria’s objection. “But I’m super happy you came by. It’s different, with you here. Good in a new way. You can take care of us fuck-ups.”

“You’re not fuck-ups,” Kate admonishes. “You guys seem like you’re having fun, and you’re safe, and you seem responsible with it. And you’re cute.”

Victoria laughs. “Picked a winner, Chlo.”

“Mhmm.” Chloe leans down and plants a kiss on Kate’s neck, and she gasps. “Woah, there, sorry,” Chloe says immediately, backing off.

“N-no, it was good,” Kate replies. “Just, ah, unexpected.” And then she yawns, and looks at the time again, and she remembers that they’d taken so long to order food because Chloe claimed you can’t eat on acid till the peak’s long past, so now it is...nearly midnight.

“Mmm. Hey, Vic, ready to go to bed?” Chloe asks. “It’s been about twelve hours since we started, so we might actually be able to sleep.”

“Even if I can’t, I’m still tired,” Victoria says with a yawn. “Visuals are gone.”

“Not if you close your eyes.”

“Well, we can do that in bed.”

Kate smiles as she gets up with them, heading into the bedroom. She loves the idea of falling asleep between them as they come down, their arms wrapped around her. It sounds perfect.

But once they’re inside, Chloe asks, “Hey, can the bed be a pants-free zone? I feel like we’re gonna be burnin’ up otherwise...”

Kate’s cheeks go red, but she nods anyway, because that hum of excitement is back in her belly as she watches them step out of their bottoms. She likes Chloe’s boxers, Victoria’s frilly pink panties. She tries not to stare too much, focusing on getting her own pants off, but as they fall to her ankles, Chloe grabs her around the waist from behind, and Victoria comes from the front.

“Can I—”

“Yes,” Kate answers automatically, closing her eyes and parting her lips. _God,_ yes. Victoria tastes so _hungry_. She lets loose a gasp as she feels Victoria’s fingers grip the hem of her too-long shirt. Victoria draws back from the kiss.

“Is it okay if I take this off?”

Kate gulps. She’s shaking too much, this is too fast, too much, and yet...”Y-yeah. But nothing else, f-for tonight, okay?”

“Okay,” Victoria says. Chloe releases Kate for a minute, and just like that, Kate’s in her underwear between them, and her whole body’s turning red, or that’s what it feels like.

“Hey, Kate, you don’t have to,” Chloe murmurs in her ear. “You can get your pajamas if you want.”

Somehow, that bit of spoken permission to be nervous makes the tension in Kate’s body uncoil a little bit, and she stops shaking. “N-no, it’s okay,” she breathes. “B-but...let’s go to bed.”

“No problem.”

Kate breathes heavily as she settles into the middle of the bed, reminding herself, _they’re always gonna ask, they’re looking out for you, even in this state. You’re okay. They don’t want to hurt you, and there’s nothing wrong with how you’re feeling._

But she switches to a silent prayer when they both crawl in beside her, their bare legs against hers. Chloe’s scratchy, Victoria’s not. It’s not much of a prayer, really, just a _Lord, give me strength,_ but it calms her heartbeat to repeat it internally, to think higher thoughts than she has been.

Victoria’s fingers drum on the bare skin beneath her bra, but don’t go any further, and even that feels like a little too much. She stops when Kate gently puts her hand over Victoria’s, whispers a quiet, “Sorry.” Kate wants to say, “It’s okay,” but Victoria nuzzles her head into Kate’s shoulder and that isn’t scary, so Victoria probably already knows. Chloe, for her part, does nothing out of the ordinary despite Kate’s state of undress, putting an arm across Kate’s chest and settling into a quiet breathing rhythm that Kate can match and feel comfortable with.

Slowly, the heat from inside her begins to fade, and she’s able to settle into their warmth, their presence, without that strange combination of fear and excitement and anticipation. Comfortable. Enough to fall asleep, anyway. Probably.

“You okay, Kate?” Chloe asks, after they’ve all been quiet for a long time.

“I think so.”

“You think?”

Kate swallows. “Just...you’re always going to ask, right? I’m just a little...you guys are so...in public, I mean...”

“We have each other for that kinda stuff,” Chloe says. “Were we...tonight, were we doing too much?”

“I’m...no,” Kate says. “It was more like...how I was feeling, it made me really nervous.”

Chloe rubs her shoulder. “Let us know anytime you think we’re going too fast, all right?”

“Y-yeah.” Kate doesn’t know how to tell them that she thinks _she_ might be the one going too fast, for her own sake, that she’s not sure she can keep herself from always saying _yes_ even when she’s kind of freaking out. She shouldn’t have let Victoria take her shirt off, but it felt, it felt...

She takes in a long, deep breath. She has plenty of time. They’re not going anywhere, and they’re not making any demands. When she’s ready for more, she’ll know. She doesn’t have to rush anything, even if she’s been closeted for years and years and years and by all rights should’ve already been in a relationship by now, be as experienced and comfortable as Chloe and Victoria are with each other. It’s okay, she tells herself. It’s okay.

She closes her eyes and enjoys the softness of their skin on her legs, their old shirts against the bare flesh on her sides. She lets go of the voice in her head that’s telling her it’s wrong to like this so much, to be in this position, to want them so badly, and the other voice that tells her that she’s a disappointment to them, not as wild and crazy and wonderful as they are. Another voice is drowning them out, a memory over a phone line, _You’re fucking perfect just the way you are._ She’s okay. This is who she is, and that’s who they decided to include in their marriage. She is loved, just the way she is, by God, and Chloe, and Victoria.

She has some very good dreams.


	11. Let All Be Quiet In Your Head

Kate sits comfortably between Chloe and Victoria, resting her head on Victoria’s shoulder as they head down the highway towards the venue. She’s a little chilly, right now; she and Victoria had both learned from last time, so Kate had dressed light, a t-shirt and shorts that she’d originally bought to hike in. Her hair hangs in a loose ponytail, which Victoria plays with idly. Kate’s staring at her legs, underneath the _very_ short jean cut-offs that clearly belong to Chloe. So does the flannel that Kate’s currently nuzzling her cheek into, definitely. She wonders for a moment how Chloe would look in Victoria’s clothes. The image is a little funny. And a little bit hot.

Her mind doesn’t immediately reject that thought, for once, and that feels good. Her girlfriends are hot, and she’s totally going to make out with this one tonight until Chloe comes home. And then maybe all three of them can have some time before bed. She runs her fingers along Victoria’s arm, feeling warm at the thought. Finals are over, school’s out, and tomorrow, Kate’s flying back home for a tense and somewhat broken Christmas. But tonight, she’s got music, a crowd, and two women who adore her.

Chloe’s phone starts ringing and Kate has to shunt herself further into Victoria so that she can reach into her pocket and pull it out. “Yeah, Mol?” she says as she brings it to her ear. Then, “Shit. Are you serious? Why—aw, fuck. Yeah. Yeah, I get it. Listen, I’ll figure something out when we get there. Y’think he’ll be okay in time for us to get a set in? All right. I’m trusting you on this. Tell him I love him, all right?”

Kate looks over at Chloe’s face and frowns. Chloe’s muscles draw tight, her lips purse. “Good luck, Mol. I hope he’s okay.”

She shuts off the call with a sigh and a hissed, “ _Shit._ ”

“What’s wrong?” Kate asks, detaching herself from Victoria.

“Molly and Jack aren’t there yet, they haven’t set up,” Chloe explains. “Jack’s...he’s having a breakdown, I think.”

“Oh, hell,” Victoria says. “You mean...like when you were off your meds?”

“Yeah, I think so. I dunno. He’s never had one in front of me, Mol’s always the one there for him,” Chloe says, rubbing her temples. “He’s had a pretty fucked-up life, I think.”

“H-how do you know? I never imagined...” Kate trails off. Jack always seems so confident, bubbly, happy, joking all the time. Despite his disability and his apparent past, he’s seemed as comfortable with himself as Chloe is, if not even more so.

“When we were first starting out, Jack would play the songs he wrote as a kid, and it was...it was kinda like hearing myself, ten years ago,” Chloe says. “Real raw stuff, kinda like what I’m writing now. It’s not, like, what he wanted to write, it’s like what he had to write. The stuff he’s doing now, he likes it better, he wants that to be his career. But those songs...shit, I dunno, man. I hope he’s okay. We’ve gotta figure out something to do, maybe swap places with one of the other bands. Mol will talk him down. She always does.”

“Is there any way I can help?” Kate asks, putting a hand on Chloe’s shoulder.

“Just be you,” Chloe suggests, giving her a strained smile. “When he shows up, I bet you can talk to him. You’re good at your job, you know. Got us to share our secrets. And, like, you.” She reaches a hand over and ruffles Kate’s hair. “We’ll manage it. We always do.”

Kate feels a little sickness in her stomach, worry gnawing at her mind. She hopes that Chloe’s right.

The venue turns out to be even smaller than the last one, probably because there’s not anyone as popular as the last headliner playing; it’s just them, Holistic Fuckery, and Bearded Bears, all very much local. The place used to be a cyber cafe, and as such it’s pretty much just one room, without even a pretense of a real stage at the front, just the sound equipment marking it as distinct from the rest of the space. Luckily, they arrive early enough that the main room is barely occupied, and Chloe almost immediately spots someone she seems to know.

A woman with long black hair, a black muscle shirt, and fishnets under shorts calls out, “Chloe!” from the wall as they arrive, and they share a hug. Victoria and Kate exchange confused glances.

“This is Lilly, from Holistic Fuckery, met her at the last show and stuff,” Chloe explains quickly. “Victoria, my wife; Kate, my girlfriend.”

“Oh, nice,” Lilly says. “You were the violinist last time, right?” she adds, pointing to Kate. “You were on fucking fire.”

“Oh, thanks,” Kate replies, looking nervously at her feet.

“So where’s Molly and Jack?” Lilly asks, peering around the three of them. “Thought they’d be here by now.”

“Yeah, that’s the thing, they’re, um, late. Brain shit,” Chloe says. “You guys think you could switch slots with us? They should be here in like an hour or two...”

“They okay?” Lilly asks, concern coming to her face.

“Hopin’ so, Lil.”

“All right, lemme talk to the guys, see if the owner will go for it,” Lilly says. “It would suck if I didn’t get to hear you guys tonight. ‘Sides, Jack better show up, I got news that he’s gotta know. The rest of you guys, too, of course, but he was the one super into going on tour, right?”

“Are you being real, Lilly?” Chloe asks, raising her eyebrows. “You’re not fucking with me.”

“Later,” Lilly promises, smiling. She turns and runs back to the three guys who she’d been with earlier, her excited chatter’s specificities lost to the crowd. Chloe leads Kate and Victoria towards the back, taking her case off her back and leaning against the wall, foot tapping anxiously as she checks her phone. Kate watches Lilly as she and her bandmates run into the back, talk to someone, come back out. Lilly gives her a thumbs-up as they start hooking themselves into the amps, and Kate breathes a sigh of relief. Chloe’s texting, Victoria leaning over her shoulder and rubbing her back for her, so Kate taps Chloe’s arm and points to Holistic Fuckery getting set up.

“Okay, okay, cool,” Chloe mutters as the crowd starts to block off their view of the front. “Molly says Jack’s doing better, they’ll probably get here in forty-five minutes or an hour. We can probably dump our shit off backstage. See if we can at least rage a little instead of worrying all the fuckin’ time.”

Kate’s never “raged” before, but Chloe’s insistent, so they head backstage (which isn’t really backstage, more like a backroom) and drop off their instruments, heading back out to find Victoria in the crowd after assuring the owner that, yes, they’re going to play.

Lilly steps up to the mic and holds her fist into the air for quiet. “Now, we’re playin’ a little earlier than we expected, ‘cuz some friends of ours are having trouble,” she begins. “Sucks for people coming in late, but man, you’re supporting the indie scene around here, you should be here the whole time anyway, am I right?!” she shouts, and a cheer comes up from the crowd. “We’re still gonna give you a hell of a show, and so are they. We’re Holistic Fuckery, and we’re gonna fuck this shit up holistically. Hit it!”

And man, do they hit it. Kate never thought this kind of goth-punk would be her thing, but playing with the band for this long, understanding the form and structure of music like this, it’s wormed into her head, and she just _gets_ it. She can’t quite let go the way that Chloe is — in fact, Chloe very quickly vanishes into the front of the crowd and becomes nothing but a flash of blue-violet spotted in a moshpit for fleeting seconds — but she can hang back with Victoria and rock her body and close her eyes and lose her worries in the sound of electric guitars and pounding drums. She can’t quite dance to it, she doesn’t know it well enough, and it seems to shift unpredictably just when she thinks she’s getting the rhythm. But the feelings, those she can keep flowing through her.

Victoria seems to have no such qualms, and as Kate watches her, watches her let out her anxiety into bodily movement, somehow both angry and absurdly happy, a wide smile on her face, Kate realizes that Victoria must be kind of practiced at this. After all, this music probably wasn’t what she was into in high school, but living with Chloe means living with punk, and doubtless Chloe’s dragged her to shows before.

And she’s so beautiful.

When the band shifts into what sounds like some sort of power ballad, Kate takes the opportunity to grab Victoria and pull her into a kiss, practically slow-dancing at the back of this packed room. Her heart pounds in her chest, their sweat mingling as they hold each other. Despite the apprehension at the back of her mind, this is good. Right here. Chloe can totally let herself go, and Victoria can still have someone to love.

After a harder song starts up, Kate and Victoria migrate to a corner, both wiping their brows and relaxing into each other, no longer needing anything but each other’s company. Kate’s stopped paying attention to the music, letting it wash over her, fill the space around them. She leans her head on Victoria’s shoulder and enjoys the moment without needing to pay attention to it or analyze it or worry about it.

“That’s it for us, Denver, we are Holistic Fuckery and up next is the _incredible_ Misaimed Massacre. Seriously, folks, stick around, these guys are the fucking coolest.” Someone calls out “Bearded Bears!” and Lilly calls back, “Well them too, _duh,_ but they’re not my friends. Yet.”

The crowd thins out as people head outside for air and water, and as it does Kate spots Molly and Jack coming in, hauling their equipment up to the front as Holistic Fuckery disconnects. As Kate and Victoria head up to the front to join them, Kate sees Chloe exchange a few words with Jack, then head off into the back with Lilly. Victoria goes off to join her, but Kate stays at the front, even as Molly runs back out to grab the rest of her drumkit.

“Hey, Jack,” she says, putting a hand on his shoulder as he plugs in his guitar. “Chloe said...”

“Yeah.” Jack sounds deflated, his voice as raw as after a practice session. “I’m okay. Just needed Molly to talk to me for a while, you know?”

“What...what was wrong?” Kate’s hesitant to ask this, but she remembers Jack’s own words, _finding out how fucked-up your friends are is part of the fun._ It’s not going to be fun, necessarily, but it feels like Kate should know him better.

“Oh, just...” Jack sighs. “It’s fucking stupid. Got all bent outta shape over...over you three, and Molly and Alyssa. Just feels like everyone’s finding love all of the sudden but me, y’know?”

Kate’s not sure what to say. “Jack—”

“No, I know, it doesn’t reflect on me, I’m not ugly or unloveable or any dumb shit like that, but my brain thinks a lot of stupid shit sometimes.” He lets loose a little laugh. “Just hard to find a gay guy when you’re hanging around a bunch of lesbians, I guess. Surprising, kinda.”

“Oh! I had no idea—”

“Heh. See, that’s the other problem, people think I’m straight,” Jack says, smiling a little bit. “And then when they see this,” he adds, pulling his shades down his face and showing his missing eye, “They seem to think that somehow I’m not sexual at all. Or they just get disgusted or something. Really fuckin’ irritating. And sometimes, that all...”

“It comes back,” Kate says, stepping closer. “I think...I think I understand what you mean.”

Jack replaces his shades and give his stage smile to her. “You got it, kid. But I’ve got Molly. I was thinking, like, she’s got this new girlfriend, she’s not gonna care about me anymore, but I always forget that she’s the fucking best. Still kinda want someone to get all romantic with, but Molly really loves me. Just need to be reminded sometimes. We’re sticking together, no matter what. ”

“You fucking know it,” Molly says as she steps up and dumps down her kickdrum. “You guys talking personal shit up here? Can we just fucking _rock_ for a while, now?”

“Counselor,” Kate says, pointing to herself and giving her a sheepish smile.

“She’s good at it, too,” Jack says, “Or maybe I just needed to dump on someone else for a while.”

“It’s true, you could use more dumping grounds,” Molly admits.

“Thanks, Kate,” Jack says.

“But I didn’t—”

“Ya listened. All you needed to do. Now let’s tear this place a new one.”

Just as Kate’s about to respond, Chloe and Victoria come out from the back, and Victoria hands Kate her violin case, and they all have to get into the business of being ready to actually play music for the crowd that’s looking increasingly dense.

“Hey, Jack,” Chloe says as they finish their sound check. “Y’wanna swap out _Hundred Percent_ for that _Lion’s Teeth_ cover we’ve been workin’ on? Think you could use it.”

Jack smiles at Chloe. “Chlo, I ever tell you you’re the fuckin’ best?”

“Oh, I already know. Seriously, you down? I could use it too.”

Jack nods. “Yeah, man. Yeah.”

Kate knows the song they’re talking about. It was on VIOLINSPIRATION, and they’ve been practicing it between new songs, just because it’s already written. Jack and Chloe sing it together, in their version. Abusive father figures and revenge fantasies, and Kate’s responsible for the violin line in the chorus, the sound that brings it all together.

She’s part of the family, she reminds herself. With all of these people. Through whatever struggles they might have. And they’re here for her, too, she can see Victoria’s hand waving above the crowd as Jack steps up to the main mic.

“Hello out there, Denver! Been too long, been too fucking long.” Jack looks totally comfortable in front of the mic, like he’s absorbing the anticipating energy from the crowd and turning it into raw charisma. The transformation makes Kate smile. Just like Chloe. Just like Victoria. Molly’s probably got her secret dark side, too. It doesn’t make any of them less wonderful.

It doesn’t make Kate less wonderful, either. _Dark Room’s_ existence, its upcoming performance, doesn’t diminish Kate. She breathes easier with that thought in her head.

“Anyway, can we get a fucking hand for Holistic Fuckery, covering for my dumbassery?” Jack asks the crowd, and receives enthusiastic applause in return. “Sorry to switch up the schedule on you folks, but we’re here now, and we’re gonna rock it. We are Misaimed Massacre, I’m Jack, that’s Chloe, Molly, and Kate, and this song is called _Eat Shit And Live._ ”

Kate’s practiced everyone else’s songs so much that it hardly registers as work, to add in her violin where it’s needed, her voice, or just sit there and rock while waiting for her time. They run through two Jack songs, then a Molly piece that turns the crowd wild enough to make Kate a little worried that they’re going to surge into their space accidentally, but some punk etiquette appears to be in place and no one gets too close to the amps. And then there’s a break as Jack heads up to the mic.

“This is an old one, not ours. It’s called _Lion’s Teeth._ ”

Chloe comes up beside him. “This one’s going out to my shitty-ass stepdad circa 2013—”

“And to the worst foster father the world has to offer,” Jack finishes.

And this, somehow, is Kate’s favorite song to play. Maybe it’s the fact that it’s so dark, but so percussive, too, full of beat and movement, and Kate only plays these very brief moments before the chorus has her violin soaring over the rest of the instruments, providing the real melody, the emotional high that the song depends on between verses that describe hopeless struggle. Jack and Chloe trade those verses between them, harmonizing for the chorus, _“And I hold on, for dear life.”_ Kate’s watching Jack’s face as he screams out, _“And the tears roll down my face, ‘till my cheeks are hot and red and soaking wet,”_ and she does see a tear, or maybe that’s just sweat, but his voice is so impassioned, so alive, with an emotion that Kate feels vibrating through her bones.

When the song ends with a final, conclusive beat, Jack stays silent for a minute, letting the applause roll over him. He’s panting, pushing his hair back from his face, Chloe mimicking his movements. They look to each other and grin, and then briefly hug, and then they’re back on.

“All right,” Chloe says, holding her fist up like Lilly, and the crowd quiets down for a moment. “So Kate and I wrote this new one, so give her a hand, and get ready for some shit.”

Kate’s glad that she wrote this song this way. She’s never got her chin off the violin, her focus is never off of the strings and the bow, so she doesn’t have to think about the words or the tremors in her chest. It’s all just this note, hold, this note, hold. She can close her eyes and just _feel_ , just let the music flow into and out of her, Chloe’s voice passing through her mind like water. Just the music, Kate. Just the performance.

 _“I wasn’t supposed to be there. But I’m here now.”_ _  
_

Kate’s eyes snap open as Molly pounds into her drumkit in a final solo, bringing the long, low song to a close with an explosion. Kate gulps. She wonders how the crowd took it, and looks over them, and she’s not sure, but they’re definitely whooping and hollering and calling for _Vermin._

“Hold your horses, we can’t do two super-fuckin’-dark songs in a row!” Chloe calls, a laugh in her voice. “Give Kate a fuckin’ break, y’all.” And as Kate looks at her, she’s dumbstruck, with so much flooding her chest that it’s hard to breathe. Gratitude, desire, admiration. Love.

“Yeah, it’s my turn!” Molly shouts, pounding her cymbal for emphasis. “You guys ready to get back to raging?”

And with a roar of approval, they’re off, Molly’s song pounding into the air and sending away the mood, replacing it with sheer... _rock._ It’s not even angry, it’s just undefined, powerful energy, and Kate has to marvel at her ability to drive the music like this when she chooses to. As important as Chloe and Jack’s instruments are to the sound, it would be entirely empty and wrong without Molly.

Kate sings with Molly on this song, their voices a pleasant dissonance between high and low, lending the lyrics an ephemeral, ghostly quality. They don’t mean much; Kate suspects that Molly puts more of her soul into her sticks than into her words, and the words just _sound_ good, they’re mostly five-dollar multisyllabic utterances that fit the melody more than they fit into each other. She’s glad to be a part of the sound they’re creating, though. Choir was useful for something, after all.

They do finish off with _Vermin_ , eventually, and that makes Kate feel the same way she did during _Lion’s Teeth._ Helping someone else express themselves. Listening, and being the key part that makes it all work. She’s almost forgotten the nerves she’d been struck with during Dark Room until _It’s not your fault_ is echoing through the venue, until Jack bids everyone a good night and is met with wild applause, even calls for an encore. Jack obliges, tells everyone what they need to do, and it’s the song with his name in it. Of course. They still haven’t found a place for Kate’s violin here, but she can join in for the chorus, at least.

After a final goodnight, for real this time, the band is briefly occupied with getting all of their stuff out of the way for the Bearded Bears. Once everything’s safely stored in the back, Lilly comes in and offers Jack a big hug.

“You guys fucking _killed_ it!” she says, slapping Jack’s shoulder. “So. Guess what. We’re getting signed.”

There’s an outbreak of congratulations from everyone in the room, even Victoria, and then Lilly adds, “And we want you guys to be our openers for our first little tour.”

“Holy shit, no way,” Molly says with a grin.

Jack seems totally unable to speak, his mouth hanging open. He looks to Chloe and Kate.

“Shit, that sounds awesome, but...” Chloe rubs the back of her neck. “Kate’s kind of got a real job. An important job. She can’t just take a month off...”

Jack’s face falls. “Yeah, shit, you’re right.”

“I have summer off. They only keep one on during that semester,” Kate says, and he lights right back up.

“Shit! Right! University!” he says. He turns back to Lilly. “So—”

“No, yeah, actually that sounds fucking perfect!” Lilly exclaims. “It’ll give you guys time to get your first real album out, right? Those new songs rule. And we’ve still gotta work out the contract, figure out where we’re touring, that kinda stuff. But apparently our shit’s getting popular with the kids, some kinda MCR revival is catching us up in the wave, and baby, we’re gonna coast that.”

Kate looks to Victoria. “Sound good to you?”

“I’m already in that van,” Victoria says, grinning.

“We’re gonna be fucking _touring!”_ Jack shouts, pumping his fist at the ceiling. “Keep me posted, okay, Lil?”

“No problem, Jack. We should hang out more. Anyway, you guys gonna come out and see Bearded Bears?”

“I think Kate and Vic are goin’ home,” Chloe says, fishing in her pocket and dropping her keys into Victoria’s hand. “But the rest of us are stickin’ around, sure.”

“See you at home,” Victoria says, leaning up to kiss Chloe’s cheek, and Kate quickly gets close and does the same before they leave.

Victoria and Kate hold hands as they make their way back to the truck. Kate can feel Victoria’s heartbeat, as crazed as her own.

“It’s really happening for you guys,” Victoria says, awe in her voice. “And for me. And...just, shit. I’ve got a showing. You guys have a tour. It’s all happening.”

Kate stops her and kisses her. “It is,” she assures her. “And you still haven’t told me what that one’s about...”

“It’s a surprise,” Victoria says with a smirk. “Come on. Let’s get home, it’s fucking freezing out here.”

When Kate holds Victoria’s hand for this drive back, it’s not to steady her emotions, but to share them. Excitement, catharsis. It’s silent, but it’s so comfortable, like this. Kate can think. About how she felt during the show, all parts of it. How strong the connections are becoming in this little chosen family of theirs.

“Thank you,” she says as they get off the exit into Boulder.

“What for?”

“For reaching out to me. Tonight was...playing _Dark Room_ in front of everyone, it made me so nervous, I felt like I was reliving it, but when everyone cheered, when it was over, I felt...I felt so much better. So much freer. And you gave me the chance, you were the one who decided we had to talk, you were the one who got me into this band.” Kate knows she’s babbling, a bit, but Victoria’s hand feels so nice and vibrant and alive, and so does Kate’s whole body, and she’s _ready_ for that future.

But Victoria’s hand suddenly goes stiff. “But...but I was the one who...who let all that happen,” Victoria says, looking down. “I just stood by, and—”

“You’ve more than made up for it.” Three words catch in Kate’s throat as she looks at Victoria’s darkening face. She wants to say it, _I love you,_ because in this moment nothing could be more true. But the words can’t leave her mouth, they feel too heavy, and she couldn’t bear to hear Victoria reject them, like she rejected Kate’s gratitude. So she just rubs her thumb over the back of Victoria’s hand, and says nothing more.

As they come inside the house and step into the living room, Victoria turns and face Kate. “Sorry,” she mutters, “Tonight was all happy and good news and things were ending so well, and then I had to...to be like that again.”

Kate puts a hand to Victoria’s cheek. “Victoria...”

“It’s just...” Victoria gulps. “It’s just, I really, really think I’m falling for you, it feels so much like when I was falling for Chloe all those years ago, and I love it, but then I think about what I did when you needed help, and it’s just—”

“When I needed help, you took me to lunch,” Kate says quietly, putting her arms around Victoria’s waist. “When I needed help, you talked me through coming out. Victoria, what happened ten years ago...it’s over. I forgave you during Spring Break. Do you remember? That party?”

Victoria sniffs. “Y-you mean when...when Zach was—”

“When you and Chloe came in when I needed help, and then you apologized. I forgave you. And now, I...I’m doing more than just forgiving you.” She leans forward and captures Victoria’s lips, and she makes the kiss deep and long and she pushes her tongue into Victoria’s mouth, because she needs to show her the truth, everything she’s feeling, give Victoria all the evidence she can muster.

When they finally break apart, Victoria’s nerves have calmed. Kate can feel it in her muscles. She can’t reject it now. “I love you,” Kate whispers, putting her head on Victoria’s shoulder.

“I-I love you too.”

Kate’s chest swells and she melts further into Victoria as she returns the embrace. And now Kate wants to kiss her again, really kiss her, really show her all the love that’s bubbling inside of her. She leads Victoria to the bedroom and presses their lips together, pushing Victoria down onto the bed and straddling her.

And as they kiss, Kate...Kate _wants._ She wants more than just this. She wants to show Victoria more. So her hands wander, and find their way to the buttons on Victoria’s flannel, and undo them, one-by-one, until it’s open. She pulls back as she cups Victoria’s breasts through that lacy pink bra. Victoria falls flat on her back, mouth opening silently.

“K-Kate,” she whimpers as Kate leans down and keeps her hands there, squeezing, feeling the way Victoria’s shifting under her and squirming. The softness of her breasts is intoxicating, and so are the little noises she makes while Kate explores, learns how they feel in her hands. But then Victoria suddenly freezes, and grips one of Kate’s wrists, panting, “Wait, wait.”

Kate’s mind is so foggy, so full of desire, that she’s not sure why they should stop until Victoria swallows and adds, “Chloe should be here.”

Yes, yes, of course, she absolutely should, what is Kate _thinking?_ She rolls off of Victoria and buries her face in the covers, cheeks burning, because she broke the _rules._ This, this stripping, this heavy makeout, it definitely falls under the “that” that they’re all supposed to do together. “S-sorry,” she mumbles into the bedspread as Victoria shifts and starts rubbing her back. “I—I just...” _I just liked being on top of you. I just liked watching your face tense up. I just liked making you whimper._ She can’t say any of that, even if it is true, because it just means she’s lost control of herself, she can’t be trusted to keep this marriage together, she’s too perverted. And she knows that she couldn’t handle being touched the way she was just touching Victoria; she’d be too nervous, she might actually have to say no if they asked, so what she did, it’s so unfair.

“It’s all right,” Victoria murmurs. “I get it. It’s not like I wasn’t really, really into that.”

“B-but I, I messed up, I—”

Victoria chuckles. “Kate, sometimes people just get really fucking horny and mess up a little bit. Believe me, Chloe and I know. You think we haven’t been, uh, caught before?”

Kate’s muscles feel a little less tense at those words, and Victoria must feel that, because she keeps going:

“It’s all right if you get turned-on, Kate,” she says soothingly. “It’s part of this whole thing, you know. As long as you stop when we ask. And you did. You’re okay. You watch, I’ll tell Chloe, and she’ll laugh it off.”

Kate breathes hard into the fabric, but eventually she gets control of it. She turns over onto her side and looks at Victoria, and there’s a lot of worry on her face. “Kate, you don’t need to feel guilty,” she whispers.

“Okay,” Kate replies, a lump in her throat. “Sorry.”

Victoria pulls her close and kisses her ear. “Do you want to just wait for her here, or...”

“We can...we can just cuddle,” Kate suggests. “I need to...I want to calm down.”

“We could watch something...”

“I’m happy here.”

“All right. One second.”

Victoria sits up and shrugs out of the flannel, then gets out of her shorts too. Kate turns onto her back and avoids looking too much at her.

“You can take this off too,” Victoria offers as she settles back down beside her, running her hand up and down Kate’s stomach. Kate shakes her head. Too much temptation, right now. Too much. “Okay,” Victoria says, kissing Kate’s chin. “Whatever you want.”

After a while with Victoria’s head on her chest, Kate does feel calm enough to look down, admire the view of a nearly-naked Victoria.

“Is all your lingerie pink?” she asks, putting an arm around her.

“Chloe says it looks good on my skin,” Victoria mumbles.

“It does.”

Victoria chuckles. “I know.”

And that makes things a bit lighter. The weight lifts from the silence they’d been sharing. Kate feels her eyelids get heavy, even though she’s a little cold here, on top of the covers. They’re supposed to be waiting for Chloe, and she does want to tell Chloe what she told Victoria, it’s only fair, after all, but—

She hears the front door open and suddenly she’s tense again, because now Victoria’s going to tell Chloe all about what she did, and it was wrong and it was against the rules they’d set up, and—

“Hey, sleepyheads,” Chloe says as she comes in, closing the door behind her. “Having a good time?”

Victoria stirs against Kate as Chloe unzips her jeans and drops them to the floor. As Chloe settles in on the other side of Kate, Victoria says, “A little too much.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Chloe asks, and a spike hits Kate’s stomach.

“Kate totally got to second base. Playing with my boobs and everything.”

Chloe draws back, looming over Kate. “Kate!” she says, batting at her chest. “Rude!”

Kate covers her face with her hands. “S-sorry, I was just, she was, I was on top of her—”

And then Chloe _laughs._

“Of course you were on top.”

“Hey!” Victoria objects. “I top sometimes!”

“Literally only when I’m too tired or drunk.”

“I can switch!”

“She’s a huuuge sub,” Chloe proclaims, laying back beside Kate. “She doesn’t wanna admit it ‘cuz it messes with her Queen Bitch image.”

And then Victoria giggles, and Kate pulls her hands back. They’re joking about this? They’re laughing? She looks to Chloe, and there’s amusement in her eyes. And...and something else.

“Well, since you left me out, can I get some now?” she asks, running a finger on Kate’s collarbone.

Oh.

“U-um...” Kate’s mouth is dry. But she does want to. It’s fair, right? “It wasn’t, I didn’t mean to, I just, her shirt was open and I wanted...”

“Oh, that’s all it takes? Kay.” Chloe sits up and takes off her t-shirt, and oh, damn. She is not wearing a lacy pink bra. She is, in fact, not wearing one at all. As seems to be a habit. Kate’s burning up again.

“Woah, hey, just teasing,” Chloe says, touching her shoulder. “I can put it back on if—”

“L-lay down.”

Chloe grins. “You’re the boss.”

“Hey, no fair!” Victoria whines as Kate turns onto her side to be face-to-face with Chloe. “I had a bra on!”

“Your loss.”

Kate’s worried that this might actually be wrong, that this isn’t fair, but then Victoria’s got an arm around her waist and she’s kissing the back of her neck and that was all just teasing too, this is okay, this is _okay._ They’re not going to kick her out. They’re having _fun._

“Ready?” Chloe asks, shuffling closer and opening her lips.

Kate answers her with a kiss. She reaches out blindly, her eyes shut, feeling down Chloe’s chest. She can’t help it. She compares. Chloe’s not as full, or as firm, probably from that (really _hot_ ) habit of hers. And this time, when Kate runs her palms over her breasts, she can feel her nipples growing hard, can trace the outlines of her barbell piercings. Chloe inhales sharply through her nose. And now that Kate knows she has permission, she gets bolder, and squeezes harder. Chloe moans into her mouth and it floods Kate with warmth, so she keeps going, feeling for her nipples and pinching them, feeling Chloe arch her back. Victoria’s rocking against Kate now, breathing hard on her ear, whispering, “She’s really sensitive.” And Kate certainly knows _that_ now.

It’s only when she pulls back to catch her breath that she sees Chloe biting her lip, her eyes still squeezed tight. Then she sees where Chloe’s arm has gone, her fingers tenting her boxers and moving in small circles. Kate gasps, cheeks burning. “Chloe!” she blurts out, drawing her hands back.

Chloe’s eyes open suddenly, and she tugs her hand out from between her legs. “S-shit, sorry, I thought, I dunno, since I’m not doing it to you—fuck, I shoulda asked, I was just—”

“So fucking hot when she does that,” Victoria murmurs, sending a shiver down Kate’s spine.

Kate agrees. But then she also thinks, and she knows, and, “J-just warn me,” she says, eyes still wide, staring at the shine on Chloe’s fingers as she rests them on her stomach. “I don’t want to—to tease you so much that you have to—not before I’m ready to do it for you.”

“Mm.” Chloe swallows and turns onto her back, staring at the ceiling, and...is she _embarrassed?_ Chloe Price? Flustered? Is that possible?

That’s really, really cute.

Kate cuddles up to her, putting a hand on her stomach. “It’s okay,” she whispers. “I...I get it. You were...” _Really horny,_ that’s what Victoria would say, but she can’t force herself to say those words, not yet. “E-excited. I, I was the same way...”

“Yeah. Yeah, okay.” Chloe’s voice sounds strained. “I just don’t wanna make you uncomfortable. I don’t wanna fuck this up.”

“You didn’t. I...I thought I did.”

“You didn’t,” Victoria repeats from behind. “We’re all good, right?”

Chloe nods vigorously, and Kate lets out a little, “We are.”

They are. They _are_ good. They can screw up, and as long as they talk to each other about it, clear things up between them, nothing’s ruined. And this, this part of it, it doesn’t need to be scary and big and important, the way it keeps feeling to Kate. It can also be funny. And fun. And it can feel good. And she can learn little quirks about them in this area, too, and get to know them better.

Kate runs her hand along Chloe’s front and thinks of Chloe’s constant self-restraint, the way she’s always asking if Kate’s sure even when Kate says yes. She thinks of Chloe helping her write a song to exorcise her demons. She thinks of everything about Chloe that makes her hot, and warm, and at peace.

“I love you, Chloe,” she murmurs into the dark.

Chloe chokes back a sob, so Kate leans over her and kisses it away. “Come on. Come here,” she urges as she lays back down.

Kate adjusts herself so she’s laying on her back, and Chloe gratefully assumes her normal position on her side, pulling the covers down from under them, then up. Victoria reaches across Kate’s body and links her hand with Chloe’s.

“Hey, Chlo,” Victoria asks, her voice low. “You okay?”

“Yeah.” Chloe sounds weak, but then, “I love you too.”

Kate closes her eyes and sighs happily, feeling the tension of the last few hours drain out of her and leave her just wanting to _sleep._ She does want to do more, of course, in the future. She wants to be able to touch Chloe there, to make her feel good herself, not letting Chloe do all the work. She wants to know what she’ll like, when she’s ready to have them touch her back.

She needs to do research.

But for now, she’s happy to let those thoughts slide away into the night, her girlfriends on either side of her, breath slowing as they relax into sleep.


	12. Walk By Faith

Christmas is going shockingly well.

Every time Kate thinks that something’s about to ruin it, going to remind them all painfully that Mom isn’t here and that it’s Kate’s fault, it just...passes by. Dad admits he’s helpless in the kitchen, and Kate knows it’s because Mom did all the cooking, and she’s waiting for someone to say so — but then Lynn and Marie just go in and help, and he calls for Kate next, and it’s simple. It’s _good._

As they exchange presents, no one even seems to want to bring it up. That she’s gone. That Dad sent them an e-mail about maybe filing for divorce, maybe needing some help getting stuff out of the house. At the same time, her absence is noticeable, but so is the absence of the tension that was always there, ever since Kate came back from Blackwell a little different. No one seems to be afraid to just talk, about whatever comes to mind, be it Lynn moving in with her new boyfriend even if they’re not married yet, or Marie’s job at the pan-religious community center. There are no little ‘questions’ for any of them, no careful prodding to reveal if they’re being disappointments. It’s strange to think that even though Debbie’s her _mother,_ Kate feels a lot better without her around.

It troubles her as the family makes hot chocolate and waits for dessert to be ready to leave the oven. She should be missing her mother, wanting a complete family. But...but this _is_ a complete family. It doesn’t really feel like there’s a hole, even though there is. She’s sitting on a recliner in the living room, the TV glowing with the menu for old classic Christmas movies, her sisters chatting on the couch, and she’s...content. She’ll call Chloe and Victoria later, wish them a merry Christmas and a good night, and that’ll make everything really complete.

But just as she’s thinking of how nice it might be to spend Christmas with them next year (presumptuous, she knows; they’ve been together for only a month now, after all, anything could happen), Lynn suddenly turns her head and look at her.

“So, Kate, do you have a girlfriend yet?” she asks.

Um.

Dad pokes his head in from the kitchen and grins. “Oh, she’s blushing!” he teases as Kate wrings her hands in her lap. “C’mon, Kate, tell us.”

UM.

Honesty, right? That’s how she’s supposed to be living her life. Always honest, out in the open, like Chloe. And yet. And yet.

She takes a deep breath. So Kate being a lesbian, that might be normal. Having one girlfriend, totally normal. They can get married now and everything. But what Kate’s doing? How does she even start to explain it to people who don’t even know Chloe and Victoria? How can she express how good it is, how supportive they are, how equal the relationship they have is?

“Kaaaate,” Lynn goads, putting her hands together in a pleading motion. “You’ve been pretty quiet all night, come on, do you have one or is it just a crush?”

Kate wants to hide her face in her hands as Marie says, “Oh, knock it off, you’re embarrassing her. Kate, you don’t have to tell us anything.”

But she does. And she should. Just in case this really will last until next year. And she’s tired of hiding who she is, who she loves, from her family.

“I...I do have a girlfriend,” she admits, finally.

“What’s her name?” Lynn immediately responds, smiling.

“I have two.”

Kate looks down at her lap so she doesn’t have to see their reaction.

Marie’s the first one to respond. “ _Two?_ ” is all she manages to get out.

Kate nods, because she’s not sure if her voice is going to work. She’s sure they’re all staring at her.

“So, um, what does that mean?” Lynn prods.

“Yeah, Katie, sweetie, you can’t just drop that on us,” Dad says, lingering in the doorway.

Kate tries to look at him. He looks...mildly concerned, but hesitant, a little bit afraid. She licks her lips, tries to talk, thinks of how to explain...this.

“Uh...” Kate tries to breathe again. “Okay, so you guys remember that I’m in a band, right?”

“Yeeeeeah,” Lynn says, eyeing her suspiciously. “Your music is good, but — do you mean the other two girls in there? Molly and Chloe?”

Kate shakes her head. “Well, um, half. Chloe and her wife. Victoria.”

“You’re with _her?_ ” Marie blurts out. “I mean, I know you said you met up again, but — _Kate!_ She’s the one who—”

“I know, I know,” Kate groans, sinking back into the recliner. “It’s different now.”

“You’re dating a married couple,” Dad repeats.

Kate nods a lot, again.

“So you’re...helping them cheat on each other?”

“No!” Kate exclaims. “It’s...we all love each other. Equally. It’s...they just started including me, I’m starting to...be part of it.” She’s breathing too heavily. She wishes she could just _make_ them understand, without having to use all these imperfect words. That she could somehow show them how she feels when she’s between them.

There’s quiet for a moment. Dad sighs. “Well, Kate, as long as you aren’t hurting anyone. I suppose.”

“I’m not,” Kate states. That’s the truth. “We’re — we’re very clear with each other. Really open, or it wouldn’t work. No secrets, and we always talk about any...steps.” Her blush deepens. She doesn’t want any clarifying questions.

There’s another pause.

“So now you have to tell us all about them,” Lynn says, putting her chin in her hands.

“If you _want,_ ” Marie adds, glaring at her. “Also, explain exactly how you’re dating your high school bully and her wife.”

“I can’t—I can’t tell you _everything,_ ” Kate admits. Certain parts of _why_ she’s so attracted to them, she can definitely leave out. But she lets loose her breath, and it’s easier to look at them all. She sniffs the air. “Dad, pie’s burning.”

Once dessert has been rescued, Kate’s able to tell them...part of it. How grateful she felt to Victoria, how much helping Chloe perform a song connected them, how they talked her through Thanksgiving. She does have to explain that they protected her, in Blackwell, after the news broke. But she leaves out the parts about seeing them and hearing them. That is...not something Dad probably wants to hear.

As the dishes are cleared away, Kate still feels a little uncertainty in the air. A little apprehension, in the way that Marie and Dad look at her, and she supposes that it’s reasonable. What she’s doing is unusual and it’s not very in-line with any kind of sanctity of marriage, but...it is love. She told them that. That she does love them both. And if God didn’t want his children to love one another, it seems unlikely that he would send Jesus to tell them to do so.

And as they head back into the living room to cap the night off with a movie, Marie says, “Kate, I’m glad you’re happy.” And Kate kind of tears up and gives her a hug.

“Thank you,” she mutters. “For not...for not...”

“We’re not going to judge you,” Dad says warmly. “I’m...I’m worried. I don’t want to see you get hurt. But I’ll let you walk your path.”

“You aren’t putting _anything_ on your Facebook,” Lynn pouts.

Just as Kate settles onto the couch and relaxes, happy to have _that_ conversation over with, Dad’s phone rings. He brings it out of his pocket and grimaces. “It’s your mother,” he warns as he answers it. Kate braces herself.

“Debbie? Debbie.” He sighs. “Yes, of course she’s here. No, not if you’re going to be cruel to her again. Well, you should have considered that when you called my daughter a whore. No—well, hold on.” He looks over to Kate. “Do you want to talk to her?”

Not really. But Kate should at least try. See what’s going on. She holds out her hand and purses her lips, takes the phone, then gets up and walks out to the kitchen just in case she feels the need to scream.

“Kate.”

“Mom. What is it?”

“You turned my family against me.”

Kate knows that should hurt. That she should feel ashamed and embarrassed, call herself a sinner, submit to her mother’s authority. But that’s not what hits her. Her fingers tense around the phone.

“You did that to yourself,” she says, calmly as she can manage. “Is this all you called to talk to me about? Because if it is—”

“I don’t hate you, Kate. I love you. I’m supposed to love all the sinners and the criminals and the perverts,” her mother continues, and Kate hears some strange, low note in her voice, a distinct hiss on her s’s.

“Are you _drunk?_ ” Kate asks.

“Why shouldn’t I be? I’m spending Christmas without my husband. For the first time in thirty years. All because my eldest daughter is _confused._ He’s supposed to be with me, not you, ‘till death do us part, and you had to—”

“What? Be myself?” Kate can hear Victoria’s words, Chloe’s anger, rising in the back of her mind. They’re with her, beside her, filling her with their righteous fury. “Yes. How dare I love the wrong people. Should I kneel before you and beg for forgiveness, since you’ve apparently decided that you’re God now?”

“Kate Beverly Marsh—”

 _Fuck her._ “You did this to yourself, Deborah. Nobody made you deny me. Nobody forced you to call me a whore. Nobody but you decided that who I love is wrong. You’re playing at God, as if you know His eternal judgement on us all, claiming His authority. _That_ is a sin.”

“I’m not—I just want you to—You need to go to Heaven—”

“Hell is empty, mom.” Kate inhales sharply. “Any God worthy of my devotion will forgive everyone. Including you, even if you never come to your senses in this life. I can’t do His job for Him. Either you learn on your own, or wait until He teaches you in the next life.”

“I’m sorry,” Debbie says. “I can’t believe that. I’m sorry, I just want you on the right path, I want you to be saved—”

“I already am.” _She doesn’t understand you and she doesn’t deserve your energy._ “I thought I could try to help you, but I’m not going to waste my time unless you’re actually willing to see things from my point of view. Talk to me when you are.”

“Kate, don’t—”

Kate hangs up the phone and feels a surge of energy rush through her. Silently, she thanks God for giving her that strength, and for sending her into the arms of the Prices when she needed them.

She’s surprised at how little she feels. How much she doesn’t need to calm down, or cry, or even take a minute to steady her breath. She walks back into the living room and hands her father the phone.

“That didn’t sound like it went too well,” Dad says, reaching up to touch Kate’s shoulder. “You okay?”

“I am.” Her words are solid. Indisputably true. She is loved. She is happy. She is walking the right path.

“I hope you two can talk again some day,” her father says with a sigh as Kate sits back down next to Lynn. “I’d hate for that to be your last memory of your mother.”

“I hope so, too. But it’s out of my hands for now. It’s up to her.”

“You’ve gotten kind of badass, Kate,” Lynn says, punching her in the shoulder.

Kate remembers Victoria's confidence. “I know.”

Marie and Lynn both laugh, and Kate’s glad to laugh along with them. She is free. She is open. She is proud. May God forgive her for that last one, but then again, of course He will. She doesn’t need to ask, for she has faith.

When she calls Chloe later that night, as she’s about to go to bed, she’s put on speakerphone again. She hears a brief story of a night in the Price household, filled with laughter and Chloe’s extremely-alcoholic eggnog, and all of the people they choose to have in their lives. Kate wonders if she could ever convince them to leave, just once, to meet her father and her sisters, prove that she’s not living in sin or being exploited by them. She’s not sure she’d want to leave either, if she knew what their holidays were like.

When she tells them of the phone call with her mother, Chloe calls out, “Fuckin’ right on, Kate! That’s just like what Victoria did way back, only, y’know, without all the God stuff.”

“I like your God better than most,” Victoria adds softly.

“Yeah, he sounds like a chill dude. Bet you could smoke with him, he created the shit, right?” Chloe says with a laugh. “Big bearded hippie in the sky. Love it.”

Kate’s not sure that’s how she’d phrase her way of looking at faith, but whatever Chloe finds amusing can have its place, too.

“I’m glad you had a good Christmas, Kate,” Victoria says. “I was worrying all night, after how your last trip went.”

“I still miss you,” Kate admits as she lays down in her little bed, without their warmth.

“We miss you too. Right, Chloe?”

“Hella.”

Kate laughs. “I’ll see you soon. I’ll be home for New Year’s.”

“You’d better be. That party’s gonna be off the fucking hook,” Chloe promises.

Kate yawns. “I love you,” she says, relaxing her head into the pillow and already hoping to dream of them.

“We love you too, Kate.”

“ _Wicked_ love you.” 

“I’m going to bed,” Kate tells them.

“Have sexy dreams!” Chloe calls. Kate smiles, tingles running up her back.

“Goodnight, Kate,” Victoria adds through a chuckle.

“Goodnight.”

As she hangs up and lays the phone on her bedside table, she sighs happily. They make her brave, and strong. They make her proud.

They also make her something else, and she wants to show them that, too. New Year’s. That’s not a bad time to try something new, right?

Research.

Should she? Right now? In her childhood home, her family sleeping around her behind solid walls?

Her heart beats faster at the idea. But she should find out what she likes, right? And this was just the right amount of contact. They’re gone now, but she got to hear their voices, a little bit of teasing, listen to their love. It sparked the pilot light. She can feel it.

She’s never done this before, but now...but now she’s remembering the way Chloe’s face looked, when she was...when Kate had her in her hands, and she was so...

 _You can’t even_ think _the real words,_ Kate groans to herself as she slips under the covers. _Maybe you’re not as ready as you think._

But, well...she still _wants_ to. And this...it’s just her. She won’t disappoint or hurt anyone if she messes up or decides midway through that she has to stop. And she....she’s thinking a lot about things and it’s making her...

Something tells her this is wrong, this is a sin, as she pushes her hand under the waistband of her pajama pants. But, well, why would He even care? Hasn’t He got bigger things to worry about? Maybe God is everywhere and he sees this, but surely his actual cosmic attention is focused on something that could actually hurt someone. This is fine. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. Your body is a gift from God. You should know it better.

Start slow. Stop when you want to. Just...figure out how this feels. Exploration. Research.

As she runs her hand over the mound between her legs, through her panties, she thinks. Visualizes. Victoria in her robe. Chloe kissing her neck, marking her. Up, down. _Oh._ That’s. That’s not bad at all. She feels the growing dampness of the cotton and shudders. More. She imagines Chloe asking for that, for more, and she has to swallow a little moan as she presses harder into herself until she feels the folds separate. Up. Down. _God._

Victoria beneath her, eyes shut, panting as Kate kneads her breasts. Chloe, topless. Chloe’s piercings. Maybe in Kate's mouth. Kate bites her lip, and the tiny bit of pain from that just...

Don’t make a sound, Kate. Control yourself. Somewhat. Not too much, though. Letting go is good. Being free is good. This feels _so good_ , how has she not done this before?

She can feel where it’s _really_ good, it aches for more. Her touch is too indirect. She needs to actually...

Chloe’s face, as she did this. The knowledge that Kate was helping to bring her there.

“Mm,” reverberates in her throat as she brings her hand back up, then down under her underwear, spreading her legs for better access. She brings her other hand up to her mouth as she really feels how wet she is down there, how much her imagination, her memory, and her touch have combined to make her feel like a coiled snake ready to strike. Powerful, anticipating. She finds that spot again with her index finger and remembers the imprints of Chloe’s fingers under her boxers, the little circles they drew, and _ah._ That’s why she did that. Because this is how that feels.

She’s shifting under the covers, her hips thrusting almost on their own, more like a spasm than a voluntary motion as electricity runs up her spine. Faster. _Faster._ She can feel it all building and she wants to see where it breaks. She’s pushing herself towards it intensely, until she remembers that...that something’s supposed to go into her, right? 

She takes a moment, breathing heavily, running her hand down further until she feels the tight opening. Her finger slides in easily, and it’s...well, it’s nice, but it’s not...

She experimentally moves in and out, in and out, and again, not a bad thing, not at all, but it’s not the same as what she was doing before and she wants so badly to see what that release will be like. And it is release she’s seeking, she feels like she’s suffocating so long as she’s _not_ touching it, like she’s denying herself something wonderful, so she decides against research in favor of just...

 _Damn._ Stronger curse words are coming, in her head. She knows they are. Victoria whimpering her name. Chloe embarrassed at how thoroughly Kate had excited her. Chloe’s nipples between her fingers.

She bites into her other hand’s knuckles as she feels it rising within her, using them as a muffle for the sounds she can’t help making. She breathes through her nose to try and stop them, and she sounds like she’s run a half-marathon. And that tiny bit of pain, again, as her teeth dig into her flesh, _shit._

She knows it’s coming. She doesn’t quite know what it is, but she _is_ ready. To find out. To feel what Chloe was chasing when Kate went after her, to feel what Victoria denied herself, to feel what they’re giving each other, so often, when Kate’s not there.

Her toes curl when it arrives, her whole body tensing as stars burst behind her closed eyelids. Her teeth sink deeper into her fingers and leave marks. She stops breathing, because if she breathes she’ll be making _sounds,_ like Victoria did, and she can’t, she can’t, not right now, but what if they’d like to hear that, and somehow that feeds another wave, and she hasn’t stopped down there, she’s riding out this incredible sensation, because every touch makes her body contract and her mind blank for a half-second until suddenly it just hurts, it’s too much now, it’s over.

She lays her fingers flat and removes her hand from her mouth, putting it to her forehead as she tries get control of her breathing. She has to swallow, several times, gulping for air. She collapses into the bed and feels so much _less._ Less tense. Less nervous. Less impatient and needful and...

She feels pliant and loose and free. Released. She hadn’t realized how much desire she’d been carrying around subconsciously until she let it go. She lets loose a wavery sigh and finds herself smiling.

Maybe if she does this, she can feel _less_ in their presence too. Calmer. More secure in saying yes or no, now that she has an outlet. She can let herself relax and wait until she’s really sure. The worries she’d had the night she spent between them half-naked vanish from her mind. She has control of herself. All of herself.

And now she’s _very_ sleepy. Sexy dreams. That’s what Chloe said. But she’s had enough of those, burning in her mind when she wakes up, bringing her what she now recognizes as the same urge she’s just indulged. And now that she has indulged it...

Her dreams are of soft and warm bodies lovingly pressing against her, demanding nothing.


	13. Never Quite Free

Kate ends up spending the stretch between Christmas and New Year’s almost entirely at the Price household, since during break she’s got little enough to do and, well, the cat’s already there, moving him seems like a pain. And staying with Victoria all day while Chloe’s working is...it’s very nice, especially now that Kate has permission and the will to get pretty physical with her. But strangely, there’s always a time where it feels natural to stop, both when it’s just her and when it’s all three of them with their lips and their hands on each other. There’s always a point where Kate can pull back and settle comfortably into something less intense. She doesn’t feel that nervous energy running through her anymore. They still make her warm, hot, even, but the urgency has gone out of her urges, and she feels ready to take things at a pace she knows she’s comfortable with.

They notice, too. One night, as Kate pulls back from kissing Victoria, her hands traveling back off her chest and down onto her hips, Victoria lays her head on Kate’s shoulder and throws her arms around her, Chloe sighing against Kate’s back.

“You good, Kate?” Chloe asks, leaning down to kiss Victoria over Kate’s shoulder.

Kate nods. “Mhmm.”

“Good. You seem...” Chloe twirls her fingers in the air like she’s trying to knit words out of it. “Better? After Christmas.”

“Better how?” Kate asks, but she knows what Chloe means. She just wants to hear her say it.

“More comfortable with us. You don’t get all shaky anymore.”

She’s not sure she can tell them, _it’s because I’m touching myself._ Or that she’s been...looking into how three women can love each other via the Internet. For one thing, they probably already know how to make love to Kate, and letting them teach her would probably be just fine too. For another, it’s still sort of embarrassing, to need that release, seeking it out when she’s alone. She knows that they have their own ways of relieving tension, that they’ve probably had a handle on the ‘sex’ part of their sexualities for a really long time, and that admitting that she’s doing this, taking care of her own needs, for the first time now would probably just make them laugh. And call her cute. And maybe ask for a little more, then, but she doesn’t want that right now.

So she just says, “I am. It’s — the more time we spend together, the less...scary it all seems. Less important, I guess.” She’s blushing, but they can’t tell in the dark, so that’s okay.

“Good. No scary stuff allowed,” Victoria mumbles as she settles back onto Kate’s shoulder. “Everything should just be nice.”

Chloe lets out a “Yeah.” It sounds strange, weak, and Kate remembers her words, _I don’t want what we have to feel anything like that._ Remembers the song they’d written together, and wonders just how worried Chloe really is, about hurting her. She slowly lays back down between them, and once they’re settled in, Kate turns over on her side to face Chloe and gives her a long, proper kiss. Sometimes she feels like she’s always being direct with Victoria, spending a lot more time with her, and only letting Chloe in as a bonus. She wants Chloe to know. That she’s just as important, and that her lips, her touch, her existence, matter a lot.

Chloe’s smiling when they break apart, and Kate touches their foreheads together, trying to will some sort of telepathic message to break through in that contact. She feels Victoria get into the big spoon position behind her, and she falls asleep face-to-face with Chloe, smiling back.

 

* * *

 

At Kate’s insistence, Victoria’s been talking to Taylor again, so she’s coming down for a little reunion, and Jack asks last-minute if Holistic Fuckery can come to the New Year’s party as well. To Chloe and Victoria, it’s a no-brainer, so Kate makes sure to get her cat home so he won’t be hemmed in by the amount of people who will be stuffing themselves into the little Price household. The three of them spend most of the day running around town, getting supplies, setting up the garage so that they can get a jam session going should the night call for it, preparing the house’s speaker systems, and otherwise outfitting the place for a real party.

Victoria runs out to get Taylor from the airport just as Jack and Molly arrive, Alyssa making a surprise appearance as she comes out of the back of the van. It’s quickly established that Molly picked her up this morning, and she’s going to be here too. Kate idly wonders just how many people are sleeping on the floor tonight.

The bands spends the time practicing a new song Kate’s written, which Jack’s made up some lyrics for. As they run through it, Alyssa observing from the garage steps and staring uncharacteristically unguardedly at Molly, Kate tries to decipher the meaning behind Jack’s writing. It always seems elusive with him. His words are always obviously about _something,_ but they seem so stream-of-consciousness, like they came out of a dream, that it usually takes Kate a week of thinking about it to come close to an interpretation. And Jack never just _tells_ anyone, he just flashes them that smile and tells them, “Eh, close,” when they say they think they know what he means. But his voice does sound good against Kate’s staccato strings on this song. It’s more like fiddling than any classical piece, and she likes the way it adds a sort of rustic charm to the whole thing, like this is a punk band out of an Amish community.

Chloe seems oddly distant, even when Victoria comes back, Taylor in tow. As soon as they pull up in front of the garage, Taylor rushes out and gives Kate a surprise hug.

“Kate!” she shouts. “How have _you_ been? Holy crap, it’s been forever. I mean, I know _some_ things, but I need an explanation from the source,” she adds, looking back towards Victoria and smiling. She’s cut her hair short, which seems so strange on her, clashing with old memories of what she looked like when she’d been writing on Kate’s slate or throwing trash at her or...or...

No. She’s different, too. She _hugged_ Kate, which is so weird, but Kate’s already forgiven Victoria and she’s heard the stories of how Taylor helped Victoria through those rough months in 2013.

Kate smiles at her. “Yeah, my life has been going kind of crazy lately. In a good way, though.”

“I can imagine. You are gonna have a _great_ time,” she says with a wink. “And Chloe!” Taylor immediately rushes over to Chloe and hugs her too. “Dude, been too long.”

“Eh. This is about normal,” Chloe says, looking sort of stiff but keeping on a strained smirk. “Vic’s on, like, a two-year schedule with you.”

“I am not!” Victoria insists.

“It’s like she forgets that she has friends sometimes, I swear,” Chloe continues, taking her bass off from around her neck. “Anyway, Jack, when’s Lilly and all them showing up?”

Before Jack can quite answer, the sound of a car stereo turned up way too loud overpowers them all for a brief moment, a black van cruising up the street with Lilly hanging out of the passenger window. It pulls right into the driveway, still blasting some ancient punk song until Lilly hops right out of that window and gives all of them a little bow. The woman has stage presence, that’s for sure.

“Oh, shit, Alyssa!” she says as the rest of the band filters out of the van. “Dude! Didn’t think you’d be here, too!”

“I _thought_ you looked familiar,” Taylor says, turning and giving Alyssa a closer look. “Shit, little Blackwell reunion out here.”

“So everybody’s here, right?” Alyssa asks, standing up and stretching. “Can we drink now?”

“Oh, hell yes,” Chloe confirms. “C’mon, you losers. I’m about to kick all your asses at beer pong.”

Once the garage is cleared somewhat and the table brought out, Chloe definitely keeps her word. She does insist that Kate join in, on her team, and she feels sort of like an embarrassment against the much-honed skills of everyone else, people who’d done this in high school and college and who’d just lived such different lives from her. But Chloe doesn’t let her feel bad about herself, she insists that Kate rules at this despite all the evidence to the contrary and gives her a theatrical kiss when they inevitably win.  

After that, things do start to feel quite a bit like a Blackwell reunion, only...better. The conversations between the bands are intense and loud and boisterous, and Kate can feel comfortable just following Alyssa around again, contributing when attention is brought to her or when she actually feels she’s got something to say. But she can also go and hang out with Chloe, or Victoria, especially once they move inside and the _real_ drinking games start. Kate doesn’t participate in those, but she can drink a few glasses of wine with Victoria and watch them and laugh at them or with them, and she can give Victoria little kisses in stolen moments and share the taste of their wine. Victoria’s right at home here, able to slip into any group with ease, but always returning to Kate if she starts to feel a bit left out.

Eventually, people are just kind of...smashed. They all gravitate towards the couch, sucked into its comfortable fabric, chatting drunkenly about nothing. Kate closes her eyes and leans into Victoria, happy to wait for conversation to drop off entirely so they can go to bed with Chloe and—

Where is Chloe?

The thought strikes her suddenly, and she opens her eyes and looks around. She hasn’t heard her in a while, and she’s not in the living room. She squints her foggy vision towards the sliding glass door, and spots a curl of smoke under the porch light. Okay, so she just went for a cigarette. And yet...

Kate frowns. Chloe’s been too quiet recently. And Kate hasn’t spent enough time with her tonight. So with a quick kiss to Victoria’s cheek, she gets up and heads outside to join her.

She emerges into the night air and finds Chloe leaning against the wall, cigarette pointed at the floor. She looks over to Kate as she steps up and leans beside her.

“Oh. Hey, Kate.”

Kate doesn’t much like that tone in her voice. Soft. Quiet. Not like her at all.

“Are you all right, Chloe?” Kate asks, rubbing her shoulder.

Chloe sighs. “I mean, yeah. Sorta. It’s just...kinda used to only having one friend, to be honest. And then falling in love with them. This...this is all kinda weird. And it makes me tired. Just needed a break from people for a minute.”

“Oh! Should I—”

“Nah. You don’t make me tired.”

Kate smiles at that.

“Vic’s loving it though. She’s a lot happier than she was this time last year. But...” Chloe idly moves her hand over Kate’s on her shoulder. “New Year’s is always kinda rough for me.”

“Why’s that?”

Chloe turns away from her eyes. “Did you...did you know Max?”

Oh. “She-she was one of my best friends at Blackwell,” Kate admits.

“She was my best friend, too. Until she left. The first time I saw her in five years, she took a bullet for me.”

Kate gulps. She knows this. Or she guessed, parts of it, anyway. Everyone knew that Max had died because she got between Nathan and Chloe, but...

“What was she like?” Chloe asks, turning back to Kate, their eyes meeting. “All...all grown up? Vic didn’t really know her, she was an asshole back then, but you said...”

“She was...” Kate tries to gather those old memories. To remember that girl she’d known so briefly before evil tore her away. “She was shy. Quiet. But she had a big heart, she was so nice, and she was really, really talented. We’d meet up for tea and talk about books, and...” Kate wonders, for a moment. If maybe she’d had a crush on Max back then, and hadn’t realized it. She’d cried for hours after she heard the news. It seems so far away now, trying to remember what it all felt like is foggy and blurred. But it’s not, for Chloe. Kate can see that in her eyes.

“About what I thought,” Chloe says, looking down at her feet. “Better than me.”

“Chloe—”

“That’s the thing. Every year. Every year that I’m alive, I’ve stolen from Max. She deserved them more than I do.” Chloe flicks the cigarette into the snow on the lawn.

Kate’s chest feels like it’s cracking apart, looking at Chloe. She’s still carrying it around with her, all that horror from Oregon. Just like Kate. Just like Victoria. If she can think like this...no wonder she has those scars.

Her throat’s too tight to speak, so she just gets in front of Chloe and hugs her tight, listens to her.

“A—and, and I really figured out that I love Victoria, that I wanted to be with her forever, on New Year’s in 2014,” Chloe continues, “And we used to have this tradition but we’re skipping it this year, my idea, because I wanna move on, I wanna _stop_ thinking about this, I wanna just _live_ and stop _surviving_ , but I can’t, I can’t.”

“Chloe,” Kate manages, and it’s barely a squeak, but she has to hold back her tears right now. Chloe needs her.

“I don’t deserve you. I don’t even deserve Vic. It feels like the whole fucking universe is fucked, giving all the good shit to _me_.”

Kate breathes heavily into Chloe’s chest, holding her, thinking for her. She pulls back and stares at the tear streaks on her cheeks. “Chloe, every—every year that you’re alive is a year that Victoria is loved.”

Chloe’s gasping for air.

“Every year that you’re alive from now on is a year that Molly and Jack have more than each other. Every year that you’re alive, you’re here, in this world, making music, giving out...” Kate has to swallow and take in another breath, but Chloe’s body is slowly calming in her arms, she has to keep talking. “Giving out all this love you have. To Victoria. To me. You inspire me, Chloe. You’re so strong, even if you think you’re not. When I stood up to my mom, I was thinking of you, and Victoria, and how you’ve both survived so much.”

“I want to _stop,_ ” Chloe chokes out. “I wanna just be _happy,_ even when I’m on the meds my brain does this, I can’t stop thinking it, she should be here, not me—”

“If you’d died instead of her, it wouldn’t be better,” Kate says. “It would still be a horrible tragedy. Max should be alive. So should you. There’s no good choice. Sometimes...sometimes life just hurts. But I thank God every day that you _are_ still here, that both of you aren’t gone. That He sent me to you, that you have survived everything this world’s done to you. And you’ll keep surviving. And living. It’s not a choice between one or the other.” Kate knows she’s talking about herself, a little bit. That she’s not done being a survivor, either, that she always could’ve met Rachel’s fate. But that’s why Chloe is an inspiration. Why she deserves to live. Why they both deserve happiness.

Chloe looks down and nods. “You’re right,” she says, finally. “Still don’t feel like I deserve _two_ amazing girls, but...but you’re right. Nobody shoulda died in that fucking bathroom. God, if I could do it again.” She wipes her nose and sniffs. “Last year it was Vic out here with me, and both of us were feeling kinda shitty. I am gonna make it through this year if it kills me, and all that. Don’t wanna live that way anymore.”

“You aren’t. Look in there.” Kate lets go of Chloe for a minute and points through the glass door, at Victoria and Taylor laughing together on the couch. “If it weren’t for you, none of this would be happening for her. Or for me.” She takes Chloe’s hands. “You are doing more than surviving. You’re helping people, like I help people. It’s the best thing we can do.”

Chloe surges forward and kisses her.

It’s sloppy and it’s not elegant and it’s not perfect. And yet it is. It’s all of Chloe’s whirlwind emotions, her guilt, her despair, her love, her whole self. It’s Chloe tangling her fingers in Kate’s hair, Chloe’s tears running over their lips, Chloe’s difficulties and joys. A kiss like this...it must be what Victoria gets, in moments like these.

Kate is so blessed.

After they break apart, they hold each other, their words spent. Kate’s not sure how long that lasts, until Victoria comes outside and they tentatively separate.

“Oh, shit, Chloe,” Victoria gasps, rushing up to her and taking her hands. “Are you—shit, I know, New Year’s and—”

“It’s okay, Vic. I’m okay. Kate was here. And you brought her in.” Chloe embraces her, and kisses her. “C’mere,” Chloe calls, and Kate joins in on the hug with no hesitation.

Once they break apart, Victoria puts her hands on Chloe’s shoulders. “I am gonna make it through this year if it kills me. Right?”

“It’s not gonna kill me,” Chloe replies.

“Damned fucking straight.”

“It is fucking freezing out here.”

“Yeah, and you two are gonna miss midnight. Get back in here.”

They do, and Kate stays with Chloe the rest of the night, letting Victoria’s flybys power them through. At midnight, Chloe gets the double-cheek kiss, and laughs herself silly. Relief, Kate thinks, or hopes.

People slowly drop off, passing out on the couch, or on the floor, until it’s just Alyssa, Molly, and the trio left standing in the kitchen, glasses of ice-water in their hands. They agree, eventually, that sleep should happen at some point, and shut off the lights for good.

Kate makes sure Chloe gets the middle position, this time. It’s good. It’s right. And even though she’s topless between them and Kate’s not wearing all that much herself, even though she thought that this might be the time to take that next step, it’s simply not. Kate won’t force it, for any reason, and Chloe just needs persistent, undemanding love right now.

And she will get it. Chloe will survive this, she will survive everything. And one day, they shall all be healed.


	14. The View Goes On Forever

It’s strange when the new semester starts, and Kate goes back to the pre-break routine. She feels like she needs them more and more, wants them more and more, and yet the reality of life isn’t letting her do that. Work is overwhelming for the first few weeks, for both her and Victoria, and Kate can barely even find the time to make her regular lunches with Victoria or practice with the band or go to the studio to record the rest of their first album. She treasures their weekends, but it never feels like enough. She’s not sure how she should go about telling them that, though. They always have each other, they can’t be as lonely as she gets during the week when she’s got to be solitary in her apartment.

And Kate and Victoria are so exhausted, nowadays, that even when all three of them together it tends to be pretty low-energy. Kate can tell, sometimes, that Chloe’s itching for more. That she wants winter to end so she can go have adventures in the mountains with them, like she keeps promising. That she’s clearly just... _needing_ , when they’re in bed together, sharing lazy kisses. Chloe’s always just a bit fidgety, and Victoria confides in Kate one afternoon that her appetite’s gotten kind of voracious. She promises Chloe, one night, that once her showing is open and things settle down, they can all have some more time together. And Kate likes that plan. It gives her some time to think about this relationship they’re in, and what it all means to her, and it’s starting to mean quite a lot.

Victoria’s showing comes in the middle of February, still a secret even as the three of them sit in her car and drive out to the gallery, far away from Boulder proper. A series on local artists that eventually led to Victoria getting featured as her own little show, that’s what’s explained on the way over. “The university’s actually gonna come by and take a look at it,” Victoria informs them. “See if they wanna display it at the VAC on campus.”

“That’s amazing, Victoria!” Kate exclaims from the backseat.

Victoria scoffs. “Hardly. I thought I’d be traveling all over the country with showings by now. Getting that cash. Getting a little pity-party from where I work, eh. ‘Sokay.”

Chloe reaches over the center console and puts a hand on Victoria’s shoulder. “Vic, you’re doing awesome.”

“No, I mean, it’s not actually a problem. Like...I like having this job, y’know? A little stability. I can’t imagine trying to do this as a full-time thing right now, not until we’ve got some serious savings under our belt. It'd be so stressful,” Victoria explains. “Just...you know. Thinking about what I used to want.”

Kate thinks to her own somewhat stalled artistic career, the infuriating back-and-forth e-mails she’s been dealing with for months. But honestly, she could be satisfied with the band, with her work on campus. Not everything she wanted to be in high school, but not doing too badly, either.

“I didn’t used to want shit, so can’t relate that much,” Chloe says, shrugging as they pull into the parking lot. “But I’m super proud of you, Vic.”

“Well, we’ll see when we actually get in there.” Kate can see the trembling in her fingers as they grip the steering wheel. Chloe notices too, and she leans over and kisses Victoria’s cheek.

“Babe, if any of the shots I modeled for are in there, I’m gonna love it no matter what.”

Victoria smiles, but it’s honestly more like a grimace. Whatever she’s got in there to surprise Chloe and Kate, she’s worried it won’t be good enough. Something that always bothers Victoria. Kate knows that, and so she makes sure to hold her hand as they walk into the arts center, Chloe on her other side.

They pass by the reception desk, Victoria quickly explaining that she’s the artist and these are her guests, so she doesn’t have to pay and get a silly little badge. They head back to the space that’s reserved for Victoria’s work, and there’s no line or even that many people wandering around, but there’s clearly been _some_ buzz — the few that are here appear to be studying closely, writing notes down. The plaque before the entrance reads: _Victoria Price: Bound._

Victoria’s breathing heavily as they walk into the gallery proper. “It, uh, it goes this way,” she says, pointing to a photo on the wall and moving her finger along it in a clockwise direction around the central pillar of the room. “Not that it’s, like, necessarily in chronological order or anything, but, ah.”

Kate has to smile. She’s never seen Victoria quite like this. She’s seen her annoyed at herself, seen her anxious, but never mixed with this kind of hope. Art makes everyone vulnerable, it seems.

But Chloe’s drawn to the side of the central pillar that’s facing the entrance. “T-those are old,” Victoria explains as Kate comes up beside Chloe to see what’s caught her eye.

“No shit,” Chloe whispers.

And Kate suddenly knows what these are.

In the center of this array of photographs is a young Chloe, raw anger on her unscarred face, cigarette between her lips and a lit flame on its end. She’s lit from behind the camera by the ghost of an indirect phone flashlight, sitting in the middle of a hidden fortress, scrap and junk forming the furniture, graffiti on the walls around her. Surrounding that are other pictures of the hideaway, that same night, closeups on the graffiti. **CHLOE WAS HERE**. _Rachel was here_. **LALALAND THIS WAY.**

Kate’s entranced for moment, as her mind works out what this must be. A junkyard, certainly. Before _Vermin._

“Fucking hell, Vic,” Chloe manages weakly as Victoria comes up to rub her back. “When...”

“That first night, remember? I came to the junkyard for pictures. For a project,” Victoria says, her voice shaking. “I—I kept them. All of them.”

Kate knows this is their moment, so she turns away from that wall and decides to let them have it, let Victoria and Chloe have their whispered conversation while she observes the rest of the gallery. Doubtless, most of this Chloe already knew about, because unlike those, these are clearly staged shots. Monochrome, like her work at Blackwell, but done so well. It’s pretty much all Chloe, Victoria is merely an implied presence. This must stretch back years, though. Kate doesn’t recognize the interior spaces, dorm rooms and apartments left long in the past. Victoria seems to like Chloe’s right side.

But as she draws further along the path Victoria indicated, she starts to see...something else. More than just Victoria’s indirect part in the photos. The one she stops on is Victoria’s hands bound at the top of the shot, tied to a doorknob, clenched in anticipation while a nude Chloe looms over the camera, smiling softly. _Trust._ That’s the title.

Kate’s mouth goes dry. Is this what they...what Victoria likes?

And it is a really beautiful shot. How Victoria managed to get it, Kate can only imagine; it probably looked horribly awkward from any other angle. And Chloe’s a natural model. And very pretty. And naked.

Kate clears her throat and tries to move on.

Hands with mismatched wedding rings; Chloe with her bass, face in total concentration on her fingers on the strings; an arm with an old, faded tattoo holding a cigarette against a porchlight, insects swarming around it. The mood of this showing is intoxicating. It’s a complete portrait of the woman Victoria bound her life to, every aspect of it.

Chloe is so _lucky._

As she heads back towards the couple, who still stand quietly holding each other, Victoria whispering a clear _I love you_ into Chloe’s ear, Kate can’t help but feel like...like an intruder. She had nothing to do with any of this, and she doesn’t belong here. This is...this is ten years of a connection that fused these two together like a welding torch. What’s Kate done to earn their love? Showed up and looked lonely?

She leans against a small section of the pillar with no photos on it and looks at her feet. She’s just a bonus, isn’t she? She can’t really hope to be an equal between them, not when they have so much history. How could she ever think...

“Hey, Kate, you doing all right?” Victoria asks, a light touch on Kate’s shoulder. “Is...I know some of them are sorta...”

“It’s not that,” Kate says, looking up to see the both of them looking at her with concern in their eyes. Chloe wipes away unshed tears and sniffs. “I—It’s nothing. C-Chloe, you should see the rest of them, they’re really beautiful.”

“No, no, wait, hold on, Kate, you’re looking like super down,” Chloe says, wiping her nose. “I don’t like that.”

“Don’t worry—”

“We already do, remember?” Victoria says gently. “Please, Kate. Do you—do you wanna go somewhere a little more private? To talk?”

Kate’s stomach feels hollow. But she nods, because this whole thing is supposed to be open, and she should say how she’s feeling because she’s been there to hear all their terrible feelings and try to make them feel better, so she should let them try, too. Even if she’s sure that she’s nothing but an extra.

They take her out to the courtyard, into a shady corner. Kate tries not to think this way, but she can’t help it. She should...she should end this. She’ll never have that kind of connection with them. It’s all fake.

“Kate.” Chloe’s voice is so soft, it’s unfair. “Kate, dude, what’s up?”

“I just...” Kate swallows. “You two have survived so much together. You’ve been together for so long, fighting to get here. A-and now I’m coming in, and I’m...I’m not like you. I’m....I’ve lived such a blessed life, in comparison, and I haven’t been there for you as long as you’ve been there for each other, and...you’ve made such beautiful things for each other.” She sniffs. “I don’t understand why you ever let me in.”

“Oh, come here.” Chloe and Victoria both pull her into a hug. “Kate,” Chloe begins, “The whole reason I’m so fucking glad to have you is that...this whole thing has just been _good_. Shit, it’s nearly normal. Like, me and Vic, everything was such a fucking struggle. Everything. With you, like, sure, we’re taking it slow, we’re getting to know each other, but, like...”

“Nobody’s getting hurt,” Victoria completes her sentence. “That first night we met, Chloe kneed me in the stomach.”

“And I also almost shot you.”

“Right, that too.”

“So, Kate...” Chloe pulls back and lifts up her chin. “Like, love doesn’t have to be all big and dramatic and shit, right? We can just...have something good, with a fucking great person. Just a cute girl who’s smart and nice. Me and Vic, yeah, we’ve got our whole thing. But we’re _choosing_ to be with you, and that’s honestly...it’s such a relief.”

“A lot better than _needing_ to be together for so long.” Victoria takes Chloe’s hand and rubs her thumb over it. “Kate, having you here, having you help me actually feel like a goddamned _person_ again, it’s part of why I was able to put all this together. Remembered that I love Chloe for more than just that shitty history, because I love you for a lot of the same reasons.” She cracks a smile. “And you could model for me anytime. If you want.”

Kate wants to cry again, like she did that night that this whole thing started. She needs to stop questioning her blessings, she knows, but she can’t help it, sometimes. But their words are exactly what she needs to hear.

“Hey, hey,” Chloe whispers, leaning down and wiping a tear from her cheek. “It’s okay. Really. You’re different from us, that’s _why_ you’re great, that’s _why_ this is awesome. It’s kind of kickass to fall in love without all the goddamned baggage.”

Victoria laughs. “You can say that again.”

The sick feeling’s gone from Kate’s stomach. Okay. Okay, so she’s not like them, she doesn’t share their connection, but she is still connected to them. Because they just _like_ each other. There’s nothing wrong or lesser about that.

“All right,” she says, finally, taking in a deep breath. “I...I see what you’re saying, and I’m really happy you...you ever started this, with me. S-sorry, I didn’t mean to ruin the whole—”

“You didn’t, Kate. This was always gonna be kind of a big emotional thing for us. I’m glad you got to be here. That we talked about it,” Victoria says. “Do you—do you wanna go?”

“Chloe should get to see the rest of it,” Kate suggests, looking up to her. “It’s really good.”

“All right, fine.” Chloe leans down and gives her a kiss, then kisses Victoria as well. “I’ll look at the art my wife dedicated to me. If I _have_ to.”

The three of them head back inside, Kate and Victoria detaching to a corner to watch Chloe experience _Bound._ Nothing quite hits her as hard as those old photographs, but she, too, stops at _Trust._ Stares quite a bit. And as Victoria rubs her thumb over Kate’s hand, as they press against each other, Kate turns that title over in her head. Does she trust them enough? Do they trust her enough?

She wants to connect with them. Deeper than they have, so far, even if it’s definitely solid link between her and their marriage, at this point, three months in. She wants to...she wants to trust them. To let them see all of her, vulnerable, and to see all of them, too.

She’s warm at the thought, and squeezes Victoria’s hand tightly as Chloe comes back to them.

“Hey, Kate, down to stay with us tonight?” she asks.

“Of course.”

She’s not going to tell them her plan. It’ll be a surprise.

They’ll have to trust her.


	15. Praise the Day

Kate’s kind of glad she’s alone in the backseat, as she thinks. Plans. Well, calling it ‘planning’ is maybe a bit much. Fantasizing, perhaps. Chloe and Victoria chat about what they’re going to do for dinner, what they might need to drive around town to get.

Meanwhile, Kate’s remembering. Victoria likes to remind her that she used to be the Abstinence Club leader at Blackwell. It feels so childish, now. Her old beliefs, in a micromanaging God, a vengeful and cruel God who would damn her to Hell for what she did on that video. As she’d prayed and prayed in the weeks following Jefferson’s arrest, she would still cry, sometimes, convincing herself that despite everything she was still condemned, like her mother would say. Her mind processed everything slowly, over years, but...but now she’s considering, no, she’s _determined_ to do something that definitely falls outside of any pledge of abstinence or purity. But original sin taints them all. Christ forgives all sins, if what she’s doing even counts; it’s not as though Christ had laid out his specific lesbian policies while on Earth, after all. And she’s known so many people, now, who’ve done this, or, well, something like this, and they’re fine. Their relationships didn’t fall apart. They didn’t become worse people.

And through everything, she’s come to find such a loving God, a God that will never damn her or anyone to eternal torture. His love resonates in the strangest of places. He can’t protect her from all evils in the world, that’s not His duty, but He can show her love. And she wants to show her own love to the two people who’ve shown her so much themselves, shared almost everything with her, except this. She wants that intimacy she saw in Victoria’s photos, so badly it burns in her.

She knows she’s quite distracted for the whole evening. Chloe and Victoria prod at her, asking if she’s all right. But she’s just antsy. She won’t just _tell_ them, that still seems too...direct, right now. She wants it to flow naturally, without needing words, and until they’re all about to sleep together, it won’t.

They’re used to her coming to bed in her underwear, at this point. It’s something of a nonverbal signal, that she wants that skin-to-skin contact, and they usually follow her lead when it comes to how much to wear, how long to leave the light on. She considers just taking everything off, letting them interpret that for themselves, but...but she wants them to do that. Or she wants to order them to do it.

She shivers at her own thoughts as Chloe strips down to just her boxers, and she stares right at her chest. Shameless, she knows. But Chloe smirks at her when she catches her eye, and Kate smiles back, heat in her cheeks. It feels so good, just _looking,_ but she’s ready to touch, too.

As they fall in bed together, Kate starts with Victoria, turning over on her side and kissing her, wrapping her arms around her. They lay there for a moment, Kate’s hands splaying out on Victoria’s back as their tongues meet, as Chloe’s lips seal on Kate’s neck, as Chloe’s hands clasp around her stomach. Kate’s making more noise than usual, she feels like she _has_ to, because the thought of what she wants to do next is simply stupefying. She can feel the heat and the wet between her legs, and can’t wait to feel a hand there, too.

She sits up, bringing Victoria with her, wrapping her thighs around Victoria’s hips and reaching for the clasp of her bra. She’s never done _that_ before, never actually taken their clothes off of them, and Victoria draws back from the kiss as she feels what’s happening, Chloe getting on her knees to stay behind and above Kate.

“Kate,” she whispers, and that, combined with Chloe’s hard kiss to Kate’s shoulder, her piercings tickling against her back, makes Kate gasp. But she undoes the clasp, and Victoria draws back enough to shrug it off down her arms. So far, it’s only been Chloe who forgoes a top. Kate likes what she sees, pink and smooth and perfect. Her hands reach out almost on their own as their lips meet again. They feel better, out in the open. Still so soft. Kate feels her nipples, different from Chloe’s piercings, so different, still so worth exploring.

Her attentions quickly have Victoria moaning into her mouth, and she feels Chloe’s sharp breaths against her skin, hears her tempo growing faster. And now Chloe’s tugging at the back of her bra.

“Can I...?” she asks in Kate’s ear, low and husky. She can do whatever she wants, at this point. But Kate won’t tell her that.

“Yes,”is all she says, and she has to draw back from Victoria for a moment as she gets the confining clothing off of her chest. Victoria’s ready to grab her, but Chloe gets there first, cupping Kate’s breasts as she leans back and sighs. Then, Victoria lowers her face to Kate’s chest, flicking out her tongue.

“Is it okay—”

 _“Yes.”_ Both of them, servicing her, and — _oh._ That’s...that’s incredible. Victoria’s lips, her tongue swirling on that hard point, that is...

Kate whimpers, involuntarily squirming in Chloe’s arms. Victoria pulls back. “Too much?” she tries to ask, but Kate surges forward and kisses her before she can get it out, one hand reaching out around her shoulders to pull her close, the other traveling down Victoria’s stomach, between her legs. Her cute little panties are wet to the touch.

Victoria throws her head back. “H-holy fuck, _Kate,_ ” she groans as Kate slowly runs one finger up and down, pressing in. Kate loves it when Victoria says her name like that, all strangled and amazed and surprised and wanting more.

Chloe makes a satisfied _mmm_ noise against Kate’s neck. Chloe’s rubbing her nipples against Kate’s back, the piercings shifting against her bare skin. She wonders if Chloe wants to touch herself right now. Kate certainly does. But instead...

She takes her hand off of Victoria’s back and stops the other’s stroking for a moment, taking Chloe’s wrist and directing it down. To the waistband of her panties. She hears Chloe swallow nervously.

“You sure?”

“Trust me.”

Kate disentangles herself from Victoria for a second, stretching her legs down the bed and letting Chloe peel off her last article of clothing. “Yours too,” Kate orders, taking a handful of Victoria’s hair in her hand.

Victoria lets out a nervous little laugh. “Yes, ma’am.”

Kate likes that a lot.

Once both of them are fully free, Kate sits back up and around Victoria again, reaching her hand down. She’s totally smooth, and it feels wonderful, and so soft even before she actually grazes her lower lips. And she’s _soaked._ Her shape’s a little different than Kate’s, and as Kate explores, she hears an urgent whine in Victoria’s throat, a repetition of her name.

Chloe’s hands travel up and down Kate’s sides, then across her chest, seemingly unsure where to stay. So Kate helps. First, she takes both of Victoria’s wrists and presses her hands to her breasts. “You here.” Then she grabs one of Chloe’s hands and shoves it between her spread legs, placing her middle finger right on her clit. “You here.”

“F-fuck, Kate, are you—” Chloe stutters, her fingers twitching.

Kate pushes her hips against Chloe’s hand in response. “Trust me,” she repeats. “Do it.”

As Chloe starts to rub in those little circles and Victoria experimentally plays with Kate’s breasts, Kate pulls Victoria close again and thrusts her hand into Victoria’s folds. Victoria’s attentions start to drop off as Kate puts her knowledge of what she does to herself into practice on her, and it’s _working,_ so well, even the building pleasure from Chloe’s hesitant fingers can’t break Kate’s concentration.

Until it does.

She’s not sure what brings the spike; maybe it’s Victoria struggling out her name again, maybe it’s Chloe’s other hand taking a nipple between two fingers and gently squeezing, but Kate’s suddenly sure that she’s about to break. She rubs Victoria frantically, burying her head in Victoria’s shoulder as if to muffle herself, wanting to see her go first, hear what she sounds like.  Victoria braces herself against the bed with her hands behind her back, only barely holding on, and then Kate remembers something.

A repeated demand heard through the walls of the Prescott dorms. Chloe laughing, every time.

_Bite me._

Oh, _yes._

Kate opens her mouth, and that’s as far as she gets before it hits her, sending convulsions through her muscles, and that means she bites down _hard._ Victoria screams, Kate’s hand still pumping between her legs, and Kate gets to feel the vibration in her skin as she comes, falling backwards, nearly hanging off the bed with Kate still attached to her by the mouth.

“Fuck, fuck, ffffuck, _Kate,_ ” Victoria cries as Kate holds on, falling on top of her and shaking, riding out her own orgasm. Chloe’s hands leave her front, not getting squashed between them, but one comes up from behind and plunges a finger into her to help her along.

Chloe seems to know just when to stop, drawing out of Kate with a slick noise as she finally separates from Victoria and stares into her near-black eyes. She draws her hand up from between their bodies and takes Victoria’s face in both hands, kissing her intensely. Victoria’s so wiped out, still panting, that her lips and tongue can barely respond. Kate feels an absurd rush of pleasure at that thought, and at the little hiss when she brushes her fingers over the mark she left in Victoria’s skin.

But as she pulls back, she realizes the bed is shaking a little bit, squeaking under them, and that they’ve left someone out of the fun. She sits up for a moment, reorients, and sees exactly what she expected to see. Chloe, lying flat on her back, both hands in her boxers, eyes closed, chewing on her lip. Kate can just barely hear the sounds her fingers are making, and that sets her blood on fire.

She leans over and grabs Chloe’s wrists, pinning them to the sides of her head, laughing at Chloe’s protracted whine. “You can’t do that!” she says with a giggle. “We’re right here!”

“Th-then fuckin’ help out,” Chloe pants, struggling under Kate’s grip, but not really. If she actually wanted to, she could go right back to what she was doing, throw Kate off. But Kate’s got her under control.

“I got this,” Victoria announces from behind Kate. “Keep her still.”

Kate shifts as Victoria gets on her hands and knees and crawls over her, then further down the bed. She reaches up and pulls Chloe’s boxers down to her ankles, Chloe kicking them off as Kate kisses her. Then, as Kate holds herself over Chloe, she looks down for a brief moment and sees that Victoria’s spreading Chloe’s legs, putting her head between them, and _oh,_ that’s what she’s doing. Kate’s seen that in her...research. She curses herself for not doing it first, sort of wanting to taste Chloe, and then she remembers that her fingers still have some Victoria on them. She lets go of Chloe for a moment, makes sure that she’s watching, and slowly sucks the moisture off her right hand, one finger at a time, while Chloe stares open-mouthed.

Chloe squeezes her eyes shut and lets out an “Ah!” as Victoria does something down there, so Kate decides to put her mouth to work, too. Chloe’s hand tangles in Victoria’s hair, and then the other goes to Kate’s scalp as she takes a nipple in her mouth. She considers biting down, but she only knows that Chloe likes biting and Victoria likes being bitten, not vice versa, so she holds off and just maps out that piercing with her tongue. Chloe seems to appreciate that just fine, especially when Kate’s hand reaches for the other breast. Kate can hear her labored breath, peppered with little obscenities, her voice higher than Kate’s ever heard it, even when she sings.

“K-Kate, mm, up here,” Chloe murmurs, pulling Kate off her chest by her hair and forcing their lips together. Just as quickly, Chloe gasps and pulls back, her head against the pillow, clenching her teeth together. “ _Sh-shit,_ ” she groans as Kate leans down and kisses her neck, kneading her breasts with both hands. “Oh fuck, oh fuck, Kate, Vic—”

And just like that, Chloe’s undone, her arms going limp, falling across her body and down Kate’s back. Her long, low, stuttering moan is music to Kate’s ears. She’s so beautiful, hair plastered to her face, sweat running down her chest, that Kate has to kiss her and swallow a little of that moan. Then Victoria says, “My turn,” and Kate moves aside to let Victoria crawl up Chloe’s body, settling in on top of her and sharing slow, soft kisses with her as Kate wraps an arm around both of them and holds tight.

Victoria collapses and lays her head on Chloe’s chest, rising and falling with heavy breath, and Kate looks at that scene and just feels _proud._ They’ve been making love for ten years, and Kate’s managed to bring them both to this state. They’re so beautiful and Kate made them feel so good. She snuggles in closer, laying her chin on Chloe’s shoulder and closing her eyes. Victoria reaches an arm out and strokes Kate’s side.

There seems to be nothing much to say. Kate could stay here forever and be happy. But then Chloe shakes Victoria’s shoulder and informs her that she’s sorta heavy, so some rearranging has to be done. Kate ends up back in the middle, on her back. Being nude with them is...even though they’re just as physically close as before, it feels better. Their sweat, their breath mingling in the night air. Chloe kisses her, then Victoria does too, sharing Chloe’s taste. Their hands run up and down her chest and send little shocks and giggles through her.

“All good, Kate?” Chloe asks after they settle down into stillness, but there’s no hesitation or worry in her voice, this time. She knows the answer.

“ _So_ good,” Kate replies, closing her eyes. She feels a hand brushing through her pubic hair and laughs at the tickling sensation, thinking of the smooth skin between both Chloe and Victoria’s legs. She wonders if that’s a requirement. Probably not. Maybe they could help her shave it, though, if they like. Or if she orders them to do it for her. Or maybe thinking of things like that can come later, because Victoria’s softly stroking her lower lips now. That’s nice. She doesn’t want things to ramp back up, though, and Victoria seems to understand that after a little while, pulling her hand out and kissing Kate’s cheek. She ruffles Kate’s hair, then gets up to turn off the light as Chloe and Kate share another slow kiss.

As Victoria gets back in and throws the covers over the three of them, Kate’s head fills with thoughts of what this all means. It means she can shower with them tomorrow. It means she can actually start asking questions, if Victoria really likes being tied up, or...or if maybe both of them would, just one time. The little intimate details she’s never had the courage to know. Maybe even what each would like, when it’s just two of them, because that might be nice, too, once in a while. She’s seen the most private parts of them, and they of her, and that trust fills her up as she starts to fall into sleep. She’ll be as connected to them as they are to each other, in time.

At this moment, she feels like she can see into forever, and there’s nothing but open road.


	16. You'll Never Want For Comfort

It happens the week before Spring Break.

The news hits her on Sunday, and she steels herself. Or tries to. But as she’s reading the article, as she’s stroking the cat’s fur and trying to calm down, to stop the shakes, she knows what this’ll mean.

This is outside of her jurisdiction, it’s too big for the university to deal with internally. A girl drugged and filmed at a party, spread out across the Internet. Her name’s already a rallying cry for justice. Her attackers are already getting the police attention they deserve. But still, this will resonate. In Kate, it already is.

She thinks of calling and talking to Alyssa, or Chloe, or Victoria. But...but she's the counselor among all of them. She's the one who comforts, not the one who needs it. She can't make them think she can't handle this. She's as strong as they are, right?

She goes to work the next Monday and the students pour in. They heard the news too, and it punctured whatever shells they’d put up to protect themselves from their own memories of similar things, worse things, or some that they say are better things but have still left scars on their brains. Kate tries to help. She listens to just how alone these kids feel, and her heart aches for them, and she goes to her office at lunch, and she lays her head down on her desk, and she tries not to cry.

She knew something like this would happen, eventually. That this kind of thing happens all the time. Because of this sick culture they live in, the cruelty of people who should know better, the entitlement of men. But that’s not a comforting thought, like she wants it to be. It doesn’t make her any more normal for having it happen to her, for reacting this way. All it means is that there are so many others like her out there, so many who are crying out in pain and praying to God and hoping for some relief. So many who didn’t deserve this. And there’s nothing Kate can do about it, no way she can stop it, all she can do is try to pick up the pieces, and that’s not _enough._ She can’t fix it, so what was all this for? Why did she keep going, why did she spend all those long years studying and praying and changing herself, when the world is still so cruel?

She’s about to totally lose control when her phone buzzes on her desk. Victoria.

_Where to?_

Kate pulls herself up and sniffs. She picks up the phone.

_Think I’ll pass today. Sorry._

The response is immediate.

 

**Victoria:**

_Are you okay?_ _  
_

 

**Me:**

_Just not hungry._

 

**Victoria:**

_I’m coming to your office. And you’re eating._

 

Kate groans. Victoria shouldn’t have to see her like this. It’s...it’s so _weak._ She’s supposed to be strong for the kids, she’s supposed to be better than this. They’re both so much stronger than she is, they’ve survived worse, if Victoria sees her all panic-stricken and tear-stained over this, she’ll have to reconsider the whole thing.

She stews in her thoughts, running her fingers through her hair, until suddenly her door opens and Victoria walks right in, dumping a greasy brown bag in front of Kate and taking the seat opposite her.

“I’m not hungry,” Kate murmurs, pushing it away, swiveling in her chair to face the wall instead of Victoria.

“Kate. Look at me.” Victoria reaches across the desk and grabs her hand forcefully, squeezing tight. “You okay?”

“I—I’m all right.” Kate doesn’t look at her. She doesn’t want to see how disgusted she must be.

“You sure as hell don’t look like it.”

Can Victoria stop being smart for a second?

Right. She’s a professor. Not in her job description.

Kate still can’t look at her, even when she draws Kate’s hand closer and puts her other hand on top.

“Is this about that girl?”

Kate brings her other hand up to cover her mouth. Victoria smooths her palm over Kate’s skin.

Victoria sucks in air through her teeth. “Yeah. Thought so. I thought about you when I first heard, too. Kate, I’m so sorry for what I—”

“I know. That’s not...not why I didn’t want to see you.”

Victoria breathes a sigh of relief. They’re quiet for a moment, and Kate tries to look at her. Victoria’s staring down at their linked hands, her lips pursed. “I know who she is,” she says at last. “She’s in one of my classes. I knew the second she didn’t show up today.”

Kate gasps, her fingers clenching.

“She...like I said, all I thought about was you. What you needed, back then. I sent her an e-mail, best I could do, but I told her that...that I understood, that she doesn’t have to come back to class for as long as she needs, that she’s got all the time in the world for assignments. I...I don’t know if I helped, but...”

Kate thinks about that girl. About what a sympathetic e-mail from strict old Professor Price would mean to her. What it might’ve meant back in Blackwell, if she’d gotten that sort of thing from her teachers after everything happened. How much less alone she would’ve felt. And she doesn’t feel nearly as alone now, not with the heat of Victoria’s skin on her own. Kate’s able to breathe.

“Thanks, Victoria. I think you did help,” she says, finally meeting her eyes. “Sorry I’m all...”

“No, Kate, don’t be. It’s not your fault.”

It’s not as powerful as in _Vermin,_ but hearing those words from Victoria’s lips still sends a shock through Kate’s system. Kate pushes her hair back from her face. She will finish this day.

She searches inside the bag. A very greasy burger and fries. Comfort food. Victoria may not think she’s good at this, but she really kind of is. Otherwise, Kate supposes, she and Chloe never would’ve lasted.

They eat their meal almost in silence, before Victoria has to head back to get ready for her next class. As soon as she’s gone, Kate misses her, but she tries to hold onto the strength Victoria gave her. Tries to remember that, even if awful things happen, Kate is helping. Not just these kids, directly, but the whole world she’s living in. Because helping anyone helps everyone, in the end. Chloe helped Victoria overcome her demons, and because of that, Victoria’s being a better teacher to a victim. Victoria saved Chloe from abuse and desperate self-hatred, and because of that, she connected with two other lost souls and opened her home to them. Kate will never be able to see the ripple effects of her own work, from her point-of-view. But God will.

Still, when the day ends, Kate despairs at the idea of being alone with her thoughts again. She knows they could turn sour just as quickly as they turned towards hope. But she’s not sure what to do about it. She’s got paperwork to file, people to write, and surely Victoria’s got her own homework to do. She can’t just...take the day and go over to the Prices’, like she desperately wants to.

She’s walking to the bus stop when Victoria texts her. _Need a ride?_

Well, sure.

Kate switches direction and heads into the staff parking garage, hugging Victoria as soon as she sees her. Before she can stop herself, she just asks.

“Can I come over for a while?”

Victoria’s hand is soft on her back. “Of course.”

She holds Victoria’s hand as they drive to their house, letting that keep her thoughts grounded to the good parts of her mind, her experiences, avoiding that dark room under the barn in Arcadia Bay. _This is why,_ she tells herself. _This is why you kept going. Don’t question that. Don’t doubt that._

It’s not really as easy as all that, her thoughts still churn in her mind, but she repeats it like a mantra.

When they get to the Price house, Victoria asks if she needs anything. But Kate doesn’t, not really. She just wants to be here with them so she can remember why she does what she does, so she can remember how good people can be as well as how bad. And when they step inside, Chloe’s making dinner already, so that’s good, too. Chloe shouts “Fuck yeah, Kate!” when Victoria informs her of their guest, and Kate knows she’s really welcome.

She takes her laptop out of her bag and settles onto the couch beside Victoria, and the two of them work in comfortable silence, shoulders touching, listening to Chloe clatter around the kitchen and curse at inanimate objects and the general existence of chemistry. As Kate leans back and closes her eyes, she thinks of how this is just Victoria’s life. No matter how stressful work gets, no matter how bad her day, she comes home to her wife. How nice it must be. How nice it would be. There’s none of the pressure of her weekend visits, where Kate always feels that they have to be _doing_ things together. They’re just existing with each other.

Chloe announces, “Hey, I didn’t fuck it up!” and the two of them head into the kitchen to sit down and eat Chloe’s cornbread (which seems to be what she was angry at) and fried chicken (which she’s clearly more comfortable with.) As Kate lifts her fork, Chloe asks, “So, Kate, like, not to be weird, but why’d you come over today? Used to only havin' you around on the weekends.”

“Oh, just...” Kate shrugs, looking down at her plate. “I had a rough day. I wanted to see you.”

“Oh, shit, yeah, you probably had to deal with that shit on the news. Fuckin’ frat,” Chloe growls. “Hope you guys are shutting them the fuck down.”

“Not really something we’re in charge of, Chloe,” Victoria reminds her gently.

“I know, it just pisses me off.”

Anger. That’s something Kate could use a little more of. She lets Chloe rant for a little bit, about piece-of-shit dudes and crappy police systems and whatever else about the case catches her ire, and the energy from that invigorates her, letting her jump in to tell Chloe about statistics she learned in school and what she’s had to deal with today because of all that, and Victoria gets involved in the venting too, talking about the struggle she has with her own photography, because of this kind of thing. It feels good, to vent with them, a bit. To voice those thoughts, those “why is this world so sick,” thoughts that she has to keep inside herself when she’s trying to help those who are just crawling out and need a world that isn’t so dark.

But as Chloe clears their plates, Kate knows she has to go home. She doesn’t even have a toothbrush here, and she needs to feed her cat. She so, so doesn’t want to leave. But she asks Chloe to take her home anyway because she’s a responsible adult and she’s not clingy and she can handle being alone tonight.

When Chloe drops her off, she gets out of the car to bid her goodbye. Kate pulls her into a long kiss, then pushes her against the truck, trying to somehow put all the emotions of the last forty-eight hours into her lips, but mostly the comfort she’d felt among them, just living their lives side-by-side.

As Chloe pulls back, she runs a hand through Kate’s hair, and she has this thoughtful look on her face. “Damn, Kate,” she says with a chuckle. Her eyes glance towards the apartment building, and Kate buries her face in Chloe’s chest.

After a moment where they hold each other, Chloe says, “You should move in.”

Just like that.

Kate pulls back. “W—Are you serious?”

“I mean, kinda.” Chloe shrugs and looks away. “It’s just, like, every time I bring you back here, there’s this little voice in my head that says ‘why?’ I wanna...close the circle, I guess. It always feels like we’re one thing and you’re off over here without us, and I don’t like that. I want it to be all of us, all the time. And...and I don’t want you to be lonely anymore, have to deal with all this shit on your own every week. I don’t know.” Chloe looks down at her feet. “You don’t have to. Just an idea.”

Kate knows she can’t just...but couldn’t she? No. She has a lease to finish off. But she could find a subletter. Take the important things. Bring the cat, that always makes Chloe happy.

“Sorry, I’m rushing shit, don’t worry about it,” Chloe mumbles, turning to get back in the truck, but Kate puts a hand on her shoulder.

“That sounds really wonderful,” Kate assures her, warmth in her chest. “I—I’ll need to figure out if I can really do that, work things out with the landlord, but...”

Chloe smiles hesitantly. “We, um. We could try it out for a while. See if it’s what you really want, y’know, take the stuff you need and hang out, get rides from Vic home, like today.”

“When?” Kate asks, hoping.

“Shit, why not tonight?” Chloe asks with a nervous laugh.

“Why not?” Kate agrees, leaning up and kissing her. “Come on. Help me grab Chester.”

She grabs Chloe’s hand and leads her up to her apartment, letting her chase the cat around while she packs a few things into a suitcase. Changes of clothes, makeup case, shampoo, conditioner, bobby pins, toothbrush, cat food, much more than an overnight bag would carry, but she wants to _try_ this. To have her morning routine beside them. To come home to them.

She’s practically giddy as they head back down to the truck, though she has to hold the cat carrier on her lap again so she can’t hold Chloe’s hand like she wants. God, she wants this so badly, and it’s going to come true. She knows this ‘trial’ of theirs will end up lasting forever. In her heart, she knows this is kind of a performance. But this way, it doesn’t feel big and permanent and scary, it’s just something she’s giving a shot, right?

When they get home, Victoria looks at the two of them and says, “Chloe, you were supposed to come back with _less_ stuff.”

Kate laughs as Chloe explains, “Kate’s staying with us for a couple days.”

 _Or forever,_ Kate adds in her mind as Victoria gets up off the couch and puts her hands on Kate’s shoulders. “Kate,” Victoria asks, “Is this because...”

“Sort of,” Kate admits. She knows she’ll need them close for the rest of this week. “But also...I just want to. It’s sort of a question of why not, at this point.” After Kate lost her virginity to them, after they’ve all shared so much of themselves, there’s no reason at all to keep going home to a lonely little apartment when she could just be here. Settling in. There's nothing they can do to make her uncomfortable, not anymore. Let Kate see what life with them is really like beyond fantasy and these careful moments. Let Kate see how they love without time limits or concerns.

“I love you,” Victoria murmurs, kissing her. Chloe drops the carrier and lets the cat roam free so she can help, too, and Kate sighs with contentment and starts leading them towards the bedroom.

As she lays in bed that night, flushed and satisfied, she stares up at the ceiling and knows. That it’s not going away, this little pain at the back of her mind when she thinks about what happened last weekend, what she’s going to be dealing with for the rest of the week, maybe even the semester. That sometimes it will grow bigger and feel like it’s the only thing that matters.

But she also knows that she’ll never need to feel that pain alone. She can share it, and everything else, with the people she loves, and from that it will dull and dull until it’s nothing but an odd twinge. They won’t judge her, or call her a sinner, or tell her to just get over it.

They know, too. 

 


	17. And You'll Never Be Alone

Chloe’s waiting.

Waiting for Kate to figure out that she and Victoria have more in common. Waiting for them to cut her out when they finally realize that this blue-collar indie-band nobody doesn’t belong in their lives. They spend more time together anyway, they look better together. This whole three-way thing was nice, but it can’t last. She doesn’t deserve something this good.

She lays awake beside Kate on Friday night, staring into the side of her face, wondering how they’ll do it. Will it be quick, brutal, honest? They’ll say...something. How you word something like that, Chloe doesn’t know, but surely they’ll realize she’s just a distraction from their love. They’ll put it gently, but they’ll want her to leave, and they’ll make no secret of it. Or, no. That’d be too easy.

It’s going to be slow and it’s going to hurt. They’ll leave her out of things. Forget she’s around. Lose interest. She’ll try to get them to hang out with her and they’ll have something...big and artistic and smart planned, that she can’t be a part of. Kate will get out of the band once she figures out that where she should be is an orchestra. Victoria will realize she doesn’t need Chloe anymore and that love of hers will finally fade. And Chloe, one day, will just walk out, when she knows she’s not wanted anymore. She won’t stick around for years like she did with Rachel, or pine and hate and wish like she did with Max. She’s learned her lesson. She’ll just go.

“Chloe?” Kate whispers, and Chloe realizes that tears have spread to Kate’s shoulder. She squeezes her eyes shut so she won’t have to look at Kate. This kind, wonderful woman who’s somehow landed in Chloe’s lap, for this brief moment, before she comes to her senses. “Chloe,” again, and the hand comes up off her back and rubs her neck. “I’m here.”

For how long, though? How can something this good last? How can these people not want to abandon her, like everyone else? She’s nothing next to them. Worthless. Vermin.

Kate shifts onto her side to face Chloe, even as Chloe puts her head down and stares at nothing in the dark. She knows Kate wants to look at her. Even at that fucked-up side of her head, that reminder of the fact that she’s only still here because she conned Victoria into giving a shit about her, all those years ago. A long con. And now that Kate’s basically moved in, Victoria will realize she’s been played, and—

Kate lifts her chin up and kisses her. Soft and warm. Chaste.

Victoria stirs somewhere behind Kate, making a weird, sleepy noise. Chloe opens her eyes and sees the shine of Kate’s, no other details obvious in the dark, none of that green. Just impressions. That’s all they’ll be soon, like Max and Rachel, their memories fading every year. Chloe doesn’t remember what their voices sounded like anymore.

Kate touches their foreheads together and wraps her arms around Chloe. Chloe tries to stay quiet, because this feels so good and it won’t soon, because she can’t wake Victoria up and worry her, too. They both think they care about her, so it’s hurting Kate to see her like this and it would hurt Vic too, and that’s why she deserves to be thrown the fuck out like the trash she is.

Chloe’s trying to keep hold of her breath. Trying to keep air in. As Kate presses them together, she realizes that Kate is breathing deep and long, concentrating on it. A deliberate pace. An exercise. Chloe swallows and then tries to match the rhythm of it. Just to keep herself from looking any more pathetic.

But as she breathes, in and out, she starts to register things. Like Kate’s fingers digging desperately into her back. Like a repeated, “I’m here, Chloe.” She _is_ here. Of course she is. She’s so _good._ What an awful thing to think about her, that she’d stop loving Chloe, that she’d give up on her and let her leave, or actively kick her out. Kate’s too good to ever do that to her, to ever hurt her like that. Kate loves her. Chloe repeats that to herself. _She loves me, God, she loves me._ And Victoria’s said, so many times. That she’ll never stop. Even if she has to get the law involved. She’s proven that she’ll stick by Chloe even when everything’s going right for her. That Chloe is still improving her life and inspiring her, in her work, the same way that Victoria inspires Chloe herself.

She breathes with Kate until she doesn’t have to anymore.

 

* * *

 

Victoria’s worried.

That she and Chloe will fuck something up. They’ll get too rude, or crass, or they’ll prove to her that they’re not really people that the Godly should hang around, and Kate will suddenly realize what an idiotic mistake she’s making, living in this house with them. That something inside Kate will break without warning and she’ll hate herself and think she’s going to Hell and lock herself away because that’s what happened last time, when Victoria fucked up bad. And if that happens, how could Chloe and Victoria keep holding on? They’d do nothing but fight about it, trying to figure out who’s fault it was, until this marriage broke up and they’d be alone again and it would be the end of everything good that’s ever happened to Victoria.

That’s why she tenses up when Chloe comes back from her workout on Saturday. Usually, that’s kind of her favorite part of her days off, but as she’s sitting on the couch with Kate, both of them reading, she knows what Chloe’s going to do the second she walks in. Both of them look at her, and, just like Victoria kind of expected, Chloe takes her phone out of her shorts and then just strips off everything but her boxers, right in front of the doorway, as she pants and wipes sweat off of herself.

The little casual teasing they usually do, like Victoria happily air-drying herself after a shower, they’ve been reining that in. Because Kate’s here, and she’s — she’s not like that, right? That’d be imposing who they are on her, and Victoria know they can be a little too much for her.

Or can they? Is that phase over?

Because as soon as Chloe pulls her earbuds out and looks over, she starts stammering, “Oh, uh, hey, Kate, sorry, should I—” and Kate just sort of pulls her book up to cover her mouth and stares, wide-eyed.

“I don’t mind,” she says through a guilty little smile that Victoria’s got an angle on. Her cheeks flush and it’s completely adorable. Usually this moment is just Victoria admiring Chloe’s toned-as-fuck body, it doesn’t really go further, and now she can share that with Kate. Chloe grins at her, then wraps her earbuds around her phone, sets it down on the divider between the kitchen and the living room, and heads off for her shower. Kate lets out a little sigh and relaxes, snuggling further into Victoria’s shoulder.

“Does she do that every time?” Kate asks quietly.

“Mhmm. It’s kind of great.”

“Yeah.”

Victoria lets a little giggle escape her. Kate is so damned cute, it’s ridiculous. She looks down at Kate, cheeks still a little pink, and thinks for a moment.

Victoria kisses her hair before she goes back to reading. Maybe there’s nothing to worry about. Maybe Kate’s fallen in love with _them,_ all of them, not just pick-and-choose pieces that looked appealing. Maybe she’s comfortable with...how they are.

That’s hard to just accept, right here and now, as fact. It goes against Victoria’s mile-a-minute brain. It’s going to take a lot more than that before Victoria’s totally sure they’re not going to ruin Kate. Hell, she's not sure that she's not going to let down Chloe, some days. But it’s a start.

 

* * *

 

 

Kate’s working.

She can feel their apprehension, their hackles raised, their guard up. It makes perfect sense. She’s different from them, and now they just have to deal with her hanging around the house all the time, not on specific dates where they can prepare and think and know exactly what to do around her. So she works to dismantle it, piece-by-piece. Chloe’s obvious little bouts of jealousy and insecurity. Victoria’s sense that she’s not good enough. Their combined concern for Kate’s comfort and well-being, their self-repression of their always-intense relationship.

She knows she’ll never totally fix it. There will never be a point at which they will live without a little struggle, a little worry. It will always be work, but it’s work she wants to do.

She wants to reassure Chloe, by spending time with her, by finishing off that debut album. After a long couple hours of debate in Molly’s apartment over spring break, the title is finally decided: _Graduates._ It’s not totally accurate; Chloe and Jack never finished high school, officially. But it feels right, because the album is a sign that everyone’s moving on. Moving up.

Kates draws the album art, four pairs of hands clasped together, carefully studied and modeled. Lilly convinces the label, and Misaimed Massacre will play a couple shows across the West as openers. Kate holds Chloe’s hand while they upload the completed album. This is what binds them.

She wants to make Victoria see that she’s not going anywhere, that their situation will not collapse as long as they keep talking to each other about everything, as long as they keep working. So sometimes she shows her, that she doesn’t mind a little teasing. Or she does a little teasing herself, when they’re alone in the bedroom after Chloe gets up for work. She’s never going to be _quite_ as open as they are about things, but she likes the way they can fluster her, and the way she can fluster them, when she chooses. She knows her little touches and comments are always a blushing surprise, and it makes her feel just a little bit powerful. And she knows it’s working, because near the end of spring break, Chloe and Victoria are back to where they were when she met them, all PDA and inappropriate comments, and once in a while, Kate will share the fun. They need to know that they are not worse than her, or dirty, or wrong. They’re different, but that’s good. She likes different.

She also models for a few pictures, by her own request. She wants to see how Victoria frames her, and she wants Victoria to see that she wants that. To understand that she really does want this to be as permanent as what she displayed in _Bound._ And _Bound_ is going right onto the university soon, and there’s talk of things beyond that, and Kate wants to be a part of those too.

And speaking of art going places, Kate’s book is going to be on the shelves in September, just in time for back-to-school season, when everyone needs to learn about the cruelty of bullying and the humanity of everyone. When kids need some positive messages.

And now that spring is here, she wants Chloe to direct one of the adventures she kept talking about. She eventually just has to say it outright, over dinner: “Didn’t you say you had places you wanted to take us once it stopped snowing all the time?”

Chloe looks up from her plate. “Oh, uh, yeah. But, like, I dunno, Vic’s not really into sweating—”

“Come on, Chloe,” Victoria groans. “I _can_ handle some exercise. I do yoga!”

“That’s not exercise, that’s prissy prep shit,” Chloe points out. “Exercise hurts.”

“I think it’d be nice,” Kate says. “I haven’t gotten to go hiking since I got to Boulder, and everyone says that’s what you’re supposed to do. I’m sure you know somewhere good.”

Chloe thinks for a minute, chewing her food. “You know, I think I do.”

“Spring break’s almost over,” Kate reminds her. “After tomorrow, it’s back to boring old work until the tour.”

“Okay, sure,” Chloe sighs. “But we’re getting up bugfuck early to get out there. Fair warning. People fuckin’ flood the trails on Sundays and I don’t wanna deal with that. Setting the alarm for like 5:30.”

“Chloe, you’re torturing us,” Victoria complains.

“You’ll deal with it ‘cuz you love me, right?” Chloe’s smirk is shaky.

“Of course,” Kate answers.

 

* * *

 

Victoria grumbles and complains when the alarm goes off, but in short order they’re piling into Chloe’s truck and heading down Baseline to the trailhead. Chloe leads the way, lighting the path with a light clipped to her shirt and a spring in her step, an ability to clamber up the steep trail that Kate and Victoria quite frankly can’t match. It’s easy to tell that Chloe’ antsy whenever they stop on a rock for a rest, itching to get to whatever lies at the end of this little journey, but Kate’s willing to take it slow. For the sake of her poor altitude-stricken lungs, at the very least.

But it’s nice to see Chloe so animated, so excited about sharing what she’s found out here. She looks so happy, even when she complains. Seeing Chloe like that is worth all the work, all the times when she’s struggling with the weight of her past and her intrusive thoughts.

When they finally emerge out of the pines, Kate knows that this is the spot Chloe was searching for. It’s a cliff, an old quarry, chunks of white stone crunching beneath their feet. Someone’s built little benches out of the stones, facing out onto the view. Boulder, and then the plains of Colorado stretching into the distance, US-36 winding out, the faint headlights of cars traveling down it. The stars slowly fade as Chloe leads them to one of the little bits of quasi-furniture, taking the spot between Kate and Victoria.

“Hell of a place, right?” Chloe asks.

“Not bad, babe,” Victoria admits, kissing her cheek.

Kate watches the sun rise as the three of them catch their breath, leaning her head on Chloe’s shoulder and staring out at that eternal view. It seems to go on forever. She can see a million miles, but she can’t get very far.

Well, not in one day. Traveling this path will take years and it has no real destination. Chloe will always have moments of darkness where she’s sure that the world is twisted and wrong for keeping her alive. Victoria will always struggle with thoughts of inadequacy and she will expect the worst, a lot of the time. Kate will always have her choices, the changes she’s made, the pain in her past, weighing on her shoulders. But together, they’ll carry each other’s burdens for as long as they each need to, shifting the responsibility when someone needs relief.

Kate can see the life she wants, the life she’ll work for. Victoria finally breaking into the fine-art scene after years of deserving it. The members of Misaimed Massacre living their dream, even if they never pack stadiums. Chloe’s peaceful and happy moments to show her what’s worth living for. Kate’s endless expression of her love and God’s love through children’s books, through church fundraisers and charity work, through music and art and direct contact alike.

And at the end of it all, hopefully an end that’s quite far away, she’ll meet her maker and thank Him for creating a world where it was all possible. He didn’t directly guide her, simply gave her the option, and for that, she is eternally grateful. For He cannot have intervened so purposefully, or she’d have to believe that He killed Max and He sent Kate to the Dark Room, and that simply can’t be true. The world He made, that humanity tainted, can be so, so dark and cruel. But His love, His original vision, shines through in the most important moments and leads His children to peace, when they seek it out. That is His presence on Earth; it is the love Kate feels for these two hearts that beat at such a different tempo from her own, it is the love that brought them together and saved them from themselves.

By works, faith is made perfect.

So Kate will work.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _It's okay to find the faith to saunter forward_   
>  _With no fear of shadows spreading where you stand_   
>  _And you'll breathe easier just knowing that the worst is all behind you_   
>  _And the waves that tossed the raft all night have set you on dry land_
> 
>  
> 
> For those who've made it out of the dark places and don't quite know where to go next.
> 
> Chapter titles taken from ["Never Quite Free"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gVws52PPvEA) by the Mountain Goats and ["Giant Leap"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wEQjjIWuhZ0) by Goldfish. 
> 
> Thank you.


End file.
